What do parents do when their children lose their temper?

I happened to see such a scene when I was picking up my son from school a few days ago. A little boy wanted to buy street food at the school gate, but his mother refused because he thought it was unhygienic. The boy sat down on the ground and shouted, \”I want to eat, and I won\’t leave until I buy it!\” The mother said coldly, with a sullen face: \”Don\’t make trouble!\” But the boy still kept crying. . At this time, the mother became angry and shouted: \”I will count to three, if you make trouble again, I will leave!\” The boy was obviously frightened, and immediately stood up, pursed his lips hard, and He stopped crying, but his body was still twitching involuntarily. I can’t help but think of what psychotherapist Philippa Perry said: “When a child loses his temper, if you yell back at him or treat him roughly, it will make the situation worse. If you respond like that, you are punishing the child for expressing his temper. Feelings.\” But in reality, when faced with their children\’s temper, many parents\’ first reaction is to stop them. If the restraint fails, your emotions will get out of control, and you may even respond to your child\’s anger with violence such as threats, abuse, and beatings. As everyone knows, a child\’s tantrum itself is harmless, but preventing a child from having a tantrum is harmful. 01 A child’s temper is his language. A psychiatrist once told such a case. An 8-year-old boy loves to lose his temper. How to Cultivate Children\’s Competitiveness: An Effective Parenting Method, 45 Lessons PDF+MP3. I accidentally knocked down the building blocks, and then I lay on the ground and rolled around. If I lose in playing games with my children, I will grimace and won’t talk to anyone. His parents patiently coaxed him and reasoned with him every time, but the boy would get angry whenever he disagreed. The parents had no choice but to seek help from doctors. The doctor asked them: \”What do you think the child wants to express when he loses his temper?\” The parents felt that the child was willful and in need of discipline. But after the doctor had a detailed chat with the boy, he discovered that the reason why the boy often loses control and gets angry is because he is angry at his own incompetence. Because he has an older brother who is excellent in everything, he also wants to be praised by his parents like his older brother, but he always messes up every time. Various frustrations and feelings of powerlessness accumulate in the boy\’s heart, which makes him more prone to anger when he is irritable and restless. There is no unreasonable temper, only unseen thoughts and demands. Psychology also says that children lose their temper because their psychological needs are not met. Children\’s needs often focus on these four aspects: companionship, exploration, attention, and confirmation of their own importance. Only by understanding the needs behind their children\’s anger can parents resolve their children\’s temper from the root. There is such a story in the book \”Listening to Children\”. When a little brother received a birthday gift from his mother, he suddenly got angry and shouted: \”Why did you give me this? You don\’t have me in your heart at all! Only brother…\” After a while of roaring, he was about to throw the gift. My mother wasn\’t angry or scolded me. Because she understood that the reason why her brother was angry was because the gift she bought for her brother was similar to the one she gave to him last time. She saw the words hidden behind her brother\’s anger: You don\’t love me and you don\’t care about me. So she said softly: \”I\’m sorry you don\’t like it, but I do want to give you a nice gift. I love you very much,Never want to hurt you. \”After that, my mother gave my brother a hug. Surprisingly, my brother not only lost his temper quickly, but also happily accepted the birthday gift. As the writer Rebus said: \”Children lose their temper at you because they want you to Go into his heart and solve the problem. \”Children\’s outbursts of emotion, scornful expressions, and throwing things around may seem like they are making trouble, but they are actually asking for help. Therefore, when children are angry, parents may wish to remind themselves that the various bad tempers displayed by their children are just showing up. The tip of the iceberg on the surface of the water. Children\’s inner emotions, such as helplessness, worry, fear… are hidden under the iceberg. This is the real emotion we need to see. 02 Not allowing tantrums is the most harmful thing to children. The book \”The Neglected Child: How to Overcome Emotional Neglect in Childhood\” says: \”A child\’s emotions are like flowing water, the source is his heart. If a barrier is placed in front of the water, the water will either bypass the barrier and change its flow direction, or it will have to flow back to the source. It also means that the child takes his emotions upon himself and hurts himself. \”If children are not allowed to lose their temper, they can only bury their emotions in their hearts. When bad emotions accumulate to a certain level, they will eventually explode in a more violent way. In a playground in Guangdong, such a scene happened. A child When the boy was having fun, he was suddenly knocked to the ground by another child. The boy was a little angry, so he ran to complain to his father. As a result, the father not only refused to comfort him, but also kept accusing the boy: \”I just bumped into you, didn\’t I?\” ? What\’s there to be angry about? He\’s not grand at all and doesn\’t look like a man…\” During his father\’s reprimand, the boy suppressed his blush and looked like a balloon that was getting more and more inflated, as if it was about to burst in the next second. Sure enough, the boy He burst out with \”Wow\” and punched his nose again and again until the blood stopped flowing. Emotions that cannot be vented will eventually become children\’s attacks on themselves. But some children digest their emotions by hurting themselves. , and some children digest their temper deep in their hearts. A netizen on Zhihu said: \”My parents have set two rules for me since I was a child. A man must not cry, and second, he must not get angry.\” \”Whenever he couldn\’t hold back his anger, his mother would turn black and yell at him to hold back his temper. Several times, he couldn\’t hold back and glared at his mother and even smashed things. As a result, he was severely beaten by her with a ruler. He had a meal. Slowly, he learned to be patient. He stopped crying and was no longer willful, but he also stopped telling his feelings. He didn\’t care if his toys were robbed; he didn\’t say anything when he was bullied by his classmates; He didn\’t defend himself when his parents criticized him. His teachers and relatives praised him for being sensible, well-educated, and good-tempered. But only he knew that beneath his gentle appearance, his heart was riddled with suppressed emotions. That\’s why he was After suppressing it for a full 10 years, I was overwhelmed and depressed. As the saying goes, if the tears don’t flow out, they will be internally injured. Blindly preventing the child from losing his temper is undoubtedly forcing the child to swallow his grievance. Forbearing again and again will only make the child bear the pain. Carrying heavy \”emotional baggage\”, the body and mind are devastated. Only by allowing the children to discharge the garbage in their hearts can the sunshine shine into the children\’s hearts. 03 Teaching children to be angry is a compulsory course for parents. World-renowned psychotherapistAmy Morin once said in \”13 Things Strong Parents Don\’t Do\”: \”Your job is not to make your child smile, but to help him learn to face uncomfortable feelings independently.\” Everyone. Children will inevitably lose their temper sometimes. What we have to do is not to rush to stop and criticize, but to use it as an opportunity for education and an opportunity to help children grow. Here are 3 formulas to help parents teach their children to be angry. The first step: \”I feel + I hope\”, express feelings and demands. Teacher Fan Deng once said that when a large number of children lose their temper, they only roll around and yell because they can\’t do anything else except this. No one has taught them to express their emotions correctly. Therefore, the first step to good emotional management is to teach children to express their emotions. On weekdays, parents can set an example first. For example, a child is unhappy because a toy was broken by a classmate. At this time, you can guide him to express his feelings and demands. \”I feel very angry. Zhang Ming played with my Ultraman without my consent and broke Ultraman\’s arm. I hope he will compensate me.\” The process of letting children express their emotions in words , in fact, it is to help children slowly return to a state of rationality and calmness from a state of emotional brain fever. Step 2: \”Affirmation + Release\” to deal with emotions reasonably. In the picture book \”Ah – I\’m Angry\”, the little boy accidentally fell off the chair while taking the biscuits from a high place and started to lose his temper at his mother. Mom was not angry or accusing, but said gently: \”Don\’t yell, don\’t shout, and don\’t hit the floor, that won\’t help. I know you are angry now, I have a good way, count from 1 to 10. Come and give it a try.\” After the little boy obeyed, he really stopped losing his temper. As the old saying goes: \”When depression arises, knots dissipate.\” When a child is angry, we might as well affirm the child\’s mood first and let the child know that his or her bad mood can be accepted. Then slowly guide the child to release all the bad emotions, such as: listening to music, hitting a pillow, running downstairs, shouting at the tree… By learning to vent negative emotions, children can better repair their emotions. . Step 3: \”I think + you think\”, looking for solutions. The appeals made by children when they are angry are inevitably negative and intense. Of course we cannot allow children to solve problems based on their own emotions. So after the child vents his emotions, we can help him find the right way to deal with the problem. For example, we can say: \”I think you can tell Zhang Ming that that is your beloved Ultraman. Now that he has destroyed it, you are sad and angry. He needs to apologize to you and promise that there will be no next time. What do you think? ?\” We must first give the child a reasonable solution for reference, but we cannot force him to agree. \”What do you think\” expresses respect, so that the child will be more willing to accept our solution. When children get used to expressing anger in a calm way, they will naturally learn to control their temper. Cai Kangyong said: \”Having high emotional intelligence does not mean not losing your temper, but losing your temper reasonably, allowing your emotions to be expressed smoothly and being yourself comfortably, so that you and the world can be harmonious.\”All happy. \”It\’s not a bad thing for a child to be angry. This is an opportunity for him to learn to manage his emotions. So when your child gets angry, please be patient. See the demands hidden behind your child\’s temper, and accompany your child to release and vent reasonably. Only in this way Only in this way can children step out of the emotional quagmire and gradually become the masters of their emotions. Like it and let the children grow towards the sun in love and acceptance.