The lowest cost of raising a child: 3 words

I once saw a joke on the Internet: The ideal image of a parent\’s child – health and sunshine +5 points; self-discipline and diligence +5 points; making parents look good +10086 points. It is precisely because of this that many children are \”forced\” to look good to their parents since childhood. I often see the bad effects of this on some clients: For example, in order to show off their parents in front of other parents, they study hard and get excellent grades, but they hate this kind of life in their hearts – consciously When I go to a cram school, I secretly curse the teacher and the homework; I can\’t sleep well every night, always thinking about the questions I didn\’t answer correctly during the day; I often have nightmares about failing the exam and wake up sweating profusely. In the eyes of their parents, these children are \”very sensible\” and make them more respectable. However, only the children themselves know how painful the long-term depression and anxiety is. For parents, there is a question that they really should think about: if they always put their own face first, their children\’s hearts may be silently collapsing. Parents who refused to admit their child was diagnosed with depression. A 14-year-old child was sent to a consultation room by his mother because his academic status declined rapidly. \”Please help me see if this child is pretending to be ill and doesn\’t want to study?\” After 50 minutes of chatting, I felt that the child was severely depressed and suggested taking her to the hospital for evaluation. The mother reluctantly took the child with her, and when she left, she emphasized: \”I don\’t have to go to know that, I must be pretending.\” A few days later, the mother came alone, holding the diagnosis certificate of the child\’s depression, and asked us if Is there no way to cure it? \”The doctor recommended that she stop classes, but how can she stop classes at this juncture? Who will be responsible for delaying her learning progress?\” The mother angrily blamed the doctor for \”making random ideas\” and asked us to carry out treatment without affecting the child\’s performance. I said frankly: \”I\’m sorry, I can\’t do it. Your child is already taking antidepressants, which means that her condition has reached a point where she has to be controlled with medication. If the condition worsens at this time, the child may self-harm.\” , The urge to commit suicide. We are as distressed as you are. You are distressed about your child’s performance decline. We are distressed about our child’s lack of good treatment and what we should do if we can’t think about it.” My mother was stunned for a moment and asked me: “How could she be sick? ? Isn’t it just that she was spoiled? When I was her age, I didn’t even have the chance to go to school. I was dragged off to farm after I was in fourth grade. How could she be depressed when she was in such good condition? After chatting with my mother, I found that it was not that she didn’t trust her children, but that she unconsciously put face first. Because of her low academic qualifications, she was often criticized in the society. She especially hoped that her children would go to college to give her a reputation. But the child was tortured physically and mentally by the high-intensity study. She had complained before, but she always told the truth or said how tired she was, forcing the child to continue working hard. Even after receiving a diagnosis of depression, she still doubted it. Later, the child never came to the consultation room again, and the mother decided to let her child continue studying. She clearly realizes that something is wrong, but she is more afraid of seeing her child\’s performance decline than her child\’s collapse. Her stubbornness towards face has prevented her from seeing the true needs of her children. The more I want to show off to my parents, the more disgusted I feelChildren of our generation have all experienced the \”face project\” of their parents to some extent. \”Go and recite an ancient poem for uncle and uncle\”; \”Why don\’t you call someone? It\’s embarrassing to bring you out\”; \”Can\’t you get first place in the exam and let me get some glory on my face?\” \”Then so-and-so gets admitted as a civil servant. \”When will you pass the exam and make me proud?\” From these words, children can always accurately read the signals that their parents value face. But the more they want to show off to their parents, the more their children will dislike themselves. I remember when I was a child, whenever I heard these words, I would feel very nervous and anxious, for fear that I would not be able to satisfy my parents and would be scolded when I got home. Even if I don\’t criticize them, I will read a hint of disgust in their disappointed expressions, so I blame myself in my heart, \”Look how bad you are!\” I have a very bad memory about this that deeply impressed me. Because I have single eyelids and my mother has double eyelids, people always point out that I am different from hers. At this time, my mother would repeat a reaction – grabbing my chin and forcing me to look up, showing everyone my single eyelids, and explaining that it was following my father. Then I added: \”In a few years, I will take her to have her double eyelids cut and her nose padded, and she will look better.\” Whenever this happens, I want to dig a hole and bury myself. In fact, no one ever said I was ugly, but my mother’s reaction made me have anxiety about my appearance, and I felt that I was beyond her control. What does it mean for a child to be \”disgraced\” by his parents since he was a child? In his heart, he will particularly want to show his good side and be eager to receive a positive response from the outside world. For example – the clothes must be expensive, the salary must be higher than others, and the lover must be excellent; even if it is beyond your ability, you must pursue something that can support your face; be flattered by someone\’s compliments, trust the other party wholeheartedly, and be flattered by others. It’s hard to realize when you’ve been cheated. The psychologist Winnicott called this staged, painted skin the \”false self.\” The so-called false self is like a false \”skin\”, which was originally used to protect our inner self from harm; but if the false self develops too strong, the real self under the skin will gradually disappear. Parents who put face first can easily raise children with \”false selves\”. I still remember that whenever my mother thought I was ugly, I would try my best to express myself in other things and try to make her look good. For example, doing better on exams, answering questions more actively in class, and getting more and better comments from teachers. I also ran for monitor, just so that during the parent-teacher meeting, my mother could point at me in front of all the parents and say: The monitor who just spoke is my daughter. I wanted to get the title of \”Excellent Monitor\”, but in the process, I gradually lost my true love and interest. I like writing very much, but writing requires a lot of quiet and solitary time. After becoming a class monitor, I was always dealing with people, and I couldn\’t be clean at all. In order to have time and energy to be a monitor, I can only put down these things that I originally liked. The harder I try to \”grow up my face\”, the further away I get from my true self. Only by letting go of face can children truly live for themselves. For children, only by not having to live for their parents\’ face can they truly shed their burdens and live for themselves. I have a male visitor, Jin, and his father have thistime. Because his father values ​​​​face very much, he has worked hard to make his father look good since he was a child. However, no matter how hard Jin tries, his father always sees problems, which makes him tired. After he went to work in other places, he gradually began to alienate his parents, as if he only had the responsibility of providing for them and had no affection for them. One year when he came home for the Chinese New Year, he and his father were sitting in the yard eating oranges. His father suddenly said, \”Did I have bad habits before?\” It\’s very bad. If you don\’t come to see me now, it\’s retribution.\” I was very embarrassed by the visit and quickly said that I was just busy. But his father shook his head: \”You don\’t have me in your heart, I can feel it. It\’s not your fault, it\’s because I didn\’t do it well before.\” He talked about the times in the past when he scolded Jin at family dinners in order to establish the image of a strict father. ; also talked about the time when Jin was forced to take the civil service examination in order to save face in front of everyone; he frankly said that he had mistakenly passed on the pressure and hurt to his son. At that moment, the visitor felt that he was being seen. He felt helpless and gave half of the orange to his father, and then wiped his tears too. Dad\’s belated apology relieved the pressure of \”showing face to his parents\” that had been weighing on his shoulders. Although he still felt awkward facing his parents, he felt that he no longer had to carry many things when getting along with his father. Through the phrase \”It\’s my fault\”, he understood his father\’s inner thoughts and gradually allowed himself to reveal his truer self. For children, they must be seen by their parents first, and then they will grow up healthily. Parents who put down their dignity and open their hearts will be like a compass, allowing their children to develop their true selves smoothly and avoid many detours in their growth. In this regard, I especially appreciate Fu Seoul\’s \”cheeky\” attitude. When a relative asked her child to recite ancient poems, she stood up and said for the child: \”I will recite it, or I can sing a song for everyone.\” Fu Seoul believes that children who are asked to recite poems on such occasions will feel very embarrassed and uncomfortable. You will be immersed in an inferiority complex that you are not good enough. In order to protect her children, she chose to put down her own face, which would make her children feel: \”No matter how difficult it is, my mother will support me, and I can maintain a normal heart at any time.\” Parenting blogger Li Danyang also shared a similar thing: She took her child back to her hometown. When her grandparents asked the child to greet relatives, the child refused. The old man felt embarrassed and said, \”I\’m sorry, our baby is a bit timid.\” She immediately walked up with the child in her arms and said, \”We are not timid, we just follow. Everyone is not familiar with each other yet, so it takes time. After getting to know everyone, you will naturally say hello.\” The mother\’s explanation has another meaning to the children: \”I am not a tool to save face for my parents, so I don\’t have to force myself to do something I don\’t want to do. I can just be myself.” The children of these mothers are very close to them. Because by letting go of the barrier of face, the parent-child relationship can return to its original, truest, and most recent state; such a family atmosphere is warm, safe, and powerful. At the end, it is not easy for parents to let go of face. Faced with this kind of moment, I especially want to share a mentality with parents – go to your child\’s side instead of standing against him or her.. Learn to stand in the same camp as your children and \”treat the outside world in unison\” together. When you feel that your child is embarrassing you, calm down and ask yourself: Is your child deliberately targeting you, or is your child experiencing difficulty? After understanding all this, you may find that it is not the children you need to deal with, but external events. As for the child, the last thing he needs to bear while growing up is the face of his parents – he doesn\’t have to worry about embarrassing his parents all the time, so the child dares to refuse unreasonable demands from the outside world; he doesn\’t have to worry about losing face to his parents all the time. Only then can children use all their strength to develop themselves; only by not caring too much about what others think of themselves can children choose a life path that is comfortable and more suitable for them. Only after you let go of face can feelings truly flow – when a child truly feels that he or she is valued, trusted, and cherished by his or her parents, the parent-child relationship can become a safe haven and safe house for the child, allowing him to be full of strength whenever and wherever he thinks of his parents. .