Six \”paradoxes\” that can help children who are tired of studying get better

\”Paradoxes often sound contradictory, but they can help people stop being stuck in the original system, jump out of the original dimension, look at things from a higher dimension, and solve problems. The following six paradoxes can be very useful. How to help a child who is tired of studying get better. \”1. If you want to get better, you must accept that he is \”bad\”. When a child who is tired of studying returns to the house, the first reaction of parents is denial and anger. Why can\’t such a good child become bad? Have you gone to school? Parents\’ minds are filled with the diligent, motivated and obedient child from before. In the hearts of his parents, he is still the \”good\” child, and their parents cannot accept that he is now \”bad\”. If parents cannot accept the reality, they will stay in the denial stage for a long time, struggling with their children and their own emotions. There are five steps to the loss of a \”good\” child: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The process from denial to acceptance is bound to be the saddest but also the fastest growing process for parents. If we can shorten this process and accept his current situation, we can calm down and start from a new perspective to accompany our children in this difficult situation. period. 2. Exposing vulnerability is true bravery. Anger, attack, and defense are all weapons used by each of us to protect our inner vulnerability. Children who are tired of learning like to blame the school, teachers, and classmates. They feel that they have reached this point because of a bad environment. They also like to blame their parents when they return home. When they accuse others, they use anger as a weapon to stop others from trying to get close to them and to see the shame, guilt, hurt, frustration, and heartbreak in their hearts. Likewise, when a child accuses a parent, the parent is hurt and ignited in anger. However, underneath the anger, there is still heartbreak, sadness, self-blame and a sense of weakness. If both parents and children wrap themselves tightly in the shell of \”defense + attack\” and communicate at this level, no matter how calm or gentle your tone is, you will not be able to penetrate the other person\’s heart, and communication will be ineffective. And if parents can be aware of their own anger, face their own wounded vulnerability, and then empathize with and see their children\’s vulnerability, this will achieve true bravery. But now there is finally a ray of light that can penetrate the outer shell of defense and penetrate into the heart. This is where empathy happens. 3. Only when you accept that you feel bad can you feel better. Children who are tired of studying are playing with their mobile phones at home. Parents feel terrible and want this bad feeling to disappear as soon as possible, but they always linger. This is the sense of incompleteness brought about by the fragmented approach brought to us by the mainstream values ​​​​\”As long as it is good and not bad, as long as it is comfortable and not difficult, as long as it is positive and not negative.\” Only when we accept our bad feelings and say to ourselves: \”Yes, I am just sad, but what can I do?\” When we accept our own powerlessness, helplessness, and sadness, we accept a complete emotional self. Sometimes, a sentence may pop up in the mind: \”Then let\’s do it!\” Then, the eyes no longer stare at the children, but instead discover other joys in life. 4. If you want to establish a relationship, you must first establish boundaries. Parents who want to help children who are tired of studying are eager to establish a good parent-child relationship. The more anxious they are, the more deformed methods appear, such as: flattery, material exchange, or facing emotional blackmail from their children.Give in step by step. But in this interaction, the children push themselves to the limit and are more likely to get angry at their parents. To build a relationship, parents should show their children that both parents and children are independent individuals. Helping a child does not mean helping to eliminate all his negative emotions, eliminate all his difficulties, and allow him to return to school as soon as possible. Instead, accompany him and let him develop the ability to tolerate emotions and solve difficulties. Therefore, parents are not an extension of their children\’s abilities, otherwise they will develop a sense of narcissism in their children that \”he thinks he only needs to think, and the world should run according to his wishes.\” Parents must have a stable core and not please you just because they want you to meet my expectations. At the same time, they must have the ability to handle the disappointment of their children not meeting their own expectations. Have clear boundaries. Just because you have emotions, I will satisfy you. In this way, the children see an independent and stable parent and can establish an equal relationship. 5. If your child is unhappy, you have to make him happy first. The child is the child of the family, and the family is an environment for him to recuperate and readjust. He has inner conflicts, is tired of studying, and is emotionally unstable. If his parents are involved in such an emotional whirlpool, the child will not be able to see another possibility in life. Parents must first show optimism in the face of difficulties, then their children will see what optimism really looks like and develop a mentality to face setbacks. What is optimism? That is, when you see a half-full glass of water on the table, you will think \”Wow, there is still half a glass of water\” instead of \”only half a glass of water\”. So when we see children in trouble, can we look at it with an optimistic attitude? 6. If your child wants freedom, you must first set the rules. Everyone wants maximum freedom, but freedom without boundaries is undoubtedly scary, just like a boat in the sea, when you can’t see the shore. Sometimes, I feel unsafe in my heart. Rules are actually a free border that allows children to relax and be autonomous within this border for a period of time. It gives parents a sense of certainty and prevents unnecessary conflicts from occurring as soon as parents see unsatisfactory behavior and want to correct it. Rules also give children a sense of certainty, without having to worry about parents regulating them at any time. Of course, the rules given will be different at different stages. For example, when some children who hurt themselves are just returned home, the rule is \”don\’t hurt yourself and don\’t hurt others.\” Rules can be discussed and constructed at different stages.