These three education methods are \”consuming\” children\’s energy

There is a topic on Zhihu: What is the most painful and unforgettable experience in your growth experience? The netizen\’s answer is very heart-wrenching: My parents have liked to criticize me since I was a child and have no patience, which makes me have big flaws in my character today. Now I will often hate them, hating them will make me live in the shadows all my life. My father favors boys over girls, and has hit me since I was a child. He calls me stupid. He is the kind of brainwashed person who tells me I have low IQ when I open my mouth or shut up, which makes me really feel that I am stupid. When I was a child, my parents often said that I was stupid. Now when people suddenly ask me questions, I get nervous and then become confused… Every word I say is full of sadness and grievance. Children feel vitality from their parents\’ words and deeds. However, the education of many parents is slowly \”overdrawing\” their children, constantly consuming their children\’s understanding of the world as they grow, causing them to lose their innocence and happiness. Chen Zhiwu, a professor of finance at Yale University, said: More and more children are unable to feel happiness in education, and the time of unhappiness is being advanced again and again. Because too many parents, instead of \”adding value\” to their children\’s growth, are \”consuming\” them. It \”consumes\” the children\’s love for their parents and also \”consumes\” the children\’s positive expectations for the future. Especially with these three methods, it is difficult to raise children with sound personalities. 01 \”Threatening\” children can easily consume children\’s sense of security. I have seen a research report published in the journal \”Experimental Child Psychology\”: Parents use some lies to control their children\’s behavior and emotions, which will have a negative impact on their children\’s adulthood. adverse effects. For example: If you don’t obey me, I won’t let you go; if you eat watermelon without spitting out the seeds, watermelons will grow in your stomach; if you continue to do this, you will be thrown into the sea and fed to the fish… In fact, such language is called \”threat\” more accurately, and it is mainly through \”Consuming\” the child\’s sense of security to force the child to obey. When parents say words such as \”I won\’t want you if you keep doing this\” or \”I won\’t like you if you keep disobedient\”, it will give children a \”fear of abandonment.\” This method is called \”withdrawal of love\” in psychology, and it is a temporary emotional abandonment of the child. It will slowly \”overdraw\” the child\’s sense of security. Although it will not cause harm to the child\’s body, it is very distressing. Once a child is threatened, there will be even more elements of being unloved. A survey shows that parents often say to their children before the age of 6, \”If you keep doing this, I will be angry.\” This will slowly develop a negative personality, lead to low self-esteem and depression, and even fear of getting along with others. Under normal circumstances, two extreme personalities will form in children: 1) \”In order to be loved, you have to be well-behaved and sensible\”: This will unintentionally consume the child\’s self-awareness and become accustomed to accepting the control of parents and obeying their wishes. arrange. When children have deviations in their self-awareness, they will devalue and deny themselves. Because of the lack of self-confidence, they will have a deliberately pleasing side, resulting in a \”pleasant personality.\” 2) Fear of being abandoned: If you are afraid that your parents will not love you, you will try your best to reduce your sense of existence to resist the \”abandonment\” of your parents. If you have questions in your heart, you will not express them, forming an \”avoidant personality.\” A boy named Fu Jiantao was abducted at the age of 4 and had doubts about his life experience from beginning to end. In his memories, what his mother said the most was: \”If you don\’t obey me, I\’ll sell you.\”Lose. \”So later, after he changed his parents, he didn\’t dare to ask his adoptive parents why. He thought that his mother didn\’t want him anymore, so he was \”sold\”. Therefore, he was afraid of being \”sold\” again, and he had doubts. I didn\’t dare to ask, so I kept it in my heart for 14 years. \”Positive Discipline\” said: A person\’s long-term behavior is fundamentally derived from inner recognition, not external pressure, such as threats. We must respect the child on the basis of \”being accepted\” and let the child \”take control\” instead of being a puppet on the parents\’ strings. Only by giving the child the capital to be \”loved\” can he have the courage to love others. 02 \”Questioning\” a child is consuming his trust. There is a plot in the TV series \”Our Marriage\” where three children were playing in the underground garage. At this time, a car owner reported that his car had been scratched, and he pointed the finger. Three children. But the children said it was not their fault. The parents of the children had different ways of handling it: the first pair of parents usually doted on their children and did not bother to explore the truth at all, and directly paid the car owner; Parents: The father believes the child, but the mother thinks the child is lying, and ignores the child’s cries and keeps criticizing and educating him. Only the father insists on finding the truth; The third pair of parents: Although they both believe that the child will not lie, they are too busy at work and completely Don’t take this matter seriously. Parents’ different attitudes towards the same thing may lead to completely different children. Parents’ trust will encourage the child to have the courage to admit that he is right and wrong next time. ; And parents’ doubts will make children live in fear, and they may use lies to escape next time, or even refuse to communicate with their parents. Unfortunately, many parents are still at the stage where they do not easily believe their children. A survey on parent-child relationships showed that. 95% of parents do not trust their children at all: they constantly question their children in life: if the child does something wrong and does not admit it, they think he is lying; if there is something missing at home, they suspect that the child took it, and if he does not listen to the explanation, he is just a liar. Suddenly scolded… Once the child is questioned, harm will follow. In psychology, there is a \”paranoid personality\”: its biggest characteristic is \”distrust\”, always suspicious and wary of others, and feels that exposing oneself will cause trouble. The distrust of parents consumes children\’s trust, so they will use malicious assumptions to others. I once read a story about a boy who went out to play with his friends and had a dispute with them. , his friends bullied him and tied his private parts with rubber bands so that he could not take them out. After returning home, the boy did not dare to tell his parents. He endured the pain for three days and finally told his parents because he could not get out of bed. When he was sent to the hospital too late, tissue necrosis had already occurred. When questioned by his parents, the boy was very angry: Every time I am bullied, do you believe me? You only scold me for trusting your children. Energy, and not believing will \”consume\” children\’s energy. Lu Qin wrote in \”Good Parents, Good Children\”: Trust can make people have a strong sense of responsibility, fully tap their potential, and believe in whatever they do. A child is a kind of spiritual support for him, let him understand that his parents will always be his backing. Trust is the greatest strength in a child\’s growth. 03 \”Pampering\” a child is consuming the child\’s sensitivity. An education expert once said that true love contains four conditions: unconditional, bounded, appropriate material satisfaction, and sufficient spiritual nourishment. Every love requires a balance to maintain its flow. However, some parents can\’t find a balance in their love and always follow their children\’s wishes unconsciously and satisfy him with everything. Unfortunately, obedient love can cause devastating harm to children. In particular, falling into these two \”gentleness traps\” of spoiling is enough to destroy a child. 1) Pamper your child: Many parents think that since they don’t have to worry about food and clothing, they should try their best to satisfy their children, even compromising on principle. As everyone knows, it will consume the child\’s sense of boundaries. The child will not feel the cost of making mistakes, and will fall into a situation of \”making mistakes without knowing it.\” There was once a boy who made many people angry because he hit tourists with a wooden stick. But his parents were watching but didn\’t stop him. Such indulgence can easily destroy a child\’s bottom line as a person and make him \”self-centered\”, and he will always feel in his heart that \”whatever I do is right.\” 2) Take care of things for your children: Arrange everything for your children and prevent them from facing difficulties. Such parents actually treat their children as their own derivatives and use their own feelings to control their children. These behaviors will gradually weaken the child\’s ability to take care of himself and his autonomy, and he will have to rely on his parents to survive. Once upon a time, a middle school in Hangzhou held a shoe-tying and quilt-tying competition. It was found that nearly half of the children could not tie their shoelaces. Many children went to their teachers for help and said: I have never taken off my shoelaces. Usually my mother helps tie my shoelaces. In fact, such parents are the most selfish. Projecting one\’s own desires onto the child while ignoring the child\’s feelings will deplete the child\’s sensibility. Because the child will gradually lose himself, and eventually will not know what he should do or what he wants, and become a \”giant baby\” who only depends on his parents. Carnegie said: In order to live more calmly in the future, children must learn to remove obstacles and solve problems by themselves as they grow up. Blind love is not a good thing. Overflowing love will lead to loss, and excessive love will lead to annihilation. We need to let our children experience \”difficulties\” and pick up their sense of responsibility; at the same time, we must shape principles and give them a sense of boundaries so that they can know \”how should I do it\” and \”what can I do\”. The true meaning of education is to love him with principle and let go with purpose. 04 There is a concept of \”parent-child emotional account\” in \”7 Rules of Effective People\”: If there is a large balance in the emotional account between you and your family members, it means that there is a high degree of trust and communication between you. Be frank and unrestrained, you can even make mistakes in the relationship, because \”emotional savings\” can double the compensation; if your emotional account with your child is overdrawn for a long time, then you and your child will be like walking in a minefield without smooth communication, Touching the other party\’s breaking point at every turn is the result of overdraft of the emotional account. What supports the \”emotional account\” comes from parents\’ love education for their children. The \”love\” parents invest in their children includes \”respect\” and \”trust\”, \”Let go\”, the more you invest, the more secure attachment you will build for your child. These \”nutrients\” are the energy that children must reserve as they grow. Therefore, parents should become the giver and luminary of their children\’s energy, so that their children\’s souls can be continuously nourished; only by continuously depositing love into their children\’s emotional accounts will their children\’s future be smooth.