If your child has these 3 signs, it means you really take care of yourself too much.

There is this view in \”The Road to Self-Liberation\”: \”Most interpersonal problems are rooted in over-involvement in other people\’s areas or being over-involved in one\’s own areas. As long as people can clarify and respect their respective boundaries, interpersonal relationships can achieve fundamental goals. Sexual improvement. \”Even parents and children who are inseparable need to deliberately maintain their independence. But in reality, many parents often find it difficult to control themselves and frequently intervene in their children\’s affairs or even take responsibility for their children. This not only fails to help their children solve their problems, but makes the problems more serious and makes life more difficult for the parents themselves. Parents often complain that their children bring trouble to the family. Even if there are four adults in the family trying their best to take care of one child, they feel overwhelmed. The essence of the problem is not the children, but the excessive worries of the parents. This \”over-worrying\” mentality plunges parents into endless toil, and at the same time ruthlessly takes away their children\’s control over their own lives. If you notice your child exhibiting these three signs, it may mean you are overdoing it. 01 Over-reliance on parental supervision in disciplining children can be counterproductive if it is overdone. The tighter parents control things, the more children look for opportunities to escape. For example, you watch your children do their homework on time every day, and it seems that they can finish their homework as soon as you come home. But once you work overtime a little late one day, the child will never take the initiative to touch the pile of homework while you are away. Another example: You are very strict about the time your child spends playing mobile phones. Once you are too busy to pay attention to him, your child will look for opportunities to play games secretly, for fear of being discovered by you. These children obviously lack the ability to manage themselves. Erica Hoffman, a well-known psychology expert, mentioned in \”Kid, You Are Awesome\”: Every time parents use their authority to force their children to act, they invisibly deprive their children of the opportunity to self-manage and take responsibility for themselves. . For example, this is a story: A 16-year-old boy had a very strict tutor. As a result, he lacked initiative in his studies: \”As long as my parents are not at home, I can\’t get myself off the computer. I\’m used to them pushing me.\” Doing homework, without them, I can’t find the motivation to do my homework.” Without external supervision from parents, children lose their internal self-control. The child could have completed the task independently and derived satisfaction from it. However, parents\’ excessive intervention makes children only experience the pressure of being forced, but cannot feel any sense of accomplishment from it. The child is over-controlled and changes from active to passive. Eventually, children become overly dependent on parental intervention and have to obey their orders, and they do not have the opportunity to learn spontaneous, responsible behavior. And those needs that are suppressed by parents are only temporarily hidden. Once external constraints are lost, they can easily become out of control. For example, I have a friend whose family strictly controlled her material needs when she was a child. When she grew up, she began to shop excessively to make up for her lack of childhood. She bought a lot of things that she could not use. This is actually pent-up demand in childhood. a kind of rebound. This shows that if parents are too strict, they may see results in the short term, but once there is no parental supervision,, the child is likely to return to square one. 02 Inner fragility and poor hands-on ability. On the road to growth of children, it is crucial to cultivate self-reliance. The book \”How to Raise Independent Children\” outlines the four stages of children\’s independent growth: ◆ First, parents do things for their children. ◆ Next, parents and children do it together. ◆ Then, parents observe their children doing it independently. ◆ Finally, the child completes the task independently. However, in real life, many parents often stay in the first stage and fail to transition to the next stage in a timely manner. As a result, their children lose the opportunity to practice various life skills. Once at school, a teacher noticed that the oranges left over from the children\’s lunches were almost always intact. After asking, I found out that many children simply don’t know how to peel oranges by themselves. When the teacher returned the oranges to the students, he found that most of the children had no idea how to peel the oranges. What is the reason behind this phenomenon? For children, peeling an orange for the first time may not be that simple. It\’s likely that the peel wasn\’t complete enough and there\’s still some peel stuck to the orange. At this time, the adults couldn\’t help but intervene: \”Stop peeling, mom will help you.\” In this way, the child\’s first attempt to peel an orange ended in failure. Maybe the next time the child tries, the situation will be the same. Soon, children became accustomed to waiting for adults to help them peel oranges before eating them, and thus formed a perception that they cannot peel oranges. Excessive parental protection eventually turns children into \”little emperors\” or \”little princesses\” who can\’t do anything. Many parents mistakenly believe that if their children do more things when they are young, they will naturally do them when they grow up. But in reality, children don’t suddenly master all life skills at a certain age. Life skills require constant practice and exercise. Especially for boys, if they are always cared for by their parents, not only will they not learn to be independent, but it will also be difficult to develop a sense of responsibility. Children who lack life skills also become more vulnerable internally. A simple but easily overlooked way to raise a mentally healthy child is to let the child try to solve problems on his own. Only in this way can children build confidence in their abilities and be less likely to collapse when faced with difficulties and challenges in life. So don\’t do things for your kids that they are capable of trying. In this way, the child can gradually grow into an adult who can live independently. Our goal is to help children prepare for life ahead, and it all starts before they leave home. 03 Often like to \”confront\” parents. As the old saying goes, \”Excessive restraint will only bring strong resistance.\” When parents control everything, children will show various oppositional behaviors. Confrontation can manifest on many levels: for example, when parents interfere too much, some children will not protest directly with words, but will express their dissatisfaction in more subtle ways, such as deliberate procrastination and dillydallying. It\’s like a silent rebellion against your parents. Seemingly well-behaved children don\’t dare to disobey their parents\’ orders and won\’t cry loudly or contradict them, but they make \”mistakes\” many times in their actions and have no intention of changing. The attitude shown is: \”The more urgent you are, the slower I will be. It depends on you.\”what to do? \”They express their dissatisfaction to their parents through this behavior. This also explains why some parents with impatient personalities have slow children. While other children choose more violent ways to fight against their parents. The most common is to fight back directly, This includes talking back, crying, throwing things, and even taking extreme actions such as running away from home. A family education expert shared a case where a middle school student felt that his parents were too strict. His mother discovered him secretly playing with his mobile phone. , a question from his mother made him explode: \”I just want to play with my phone for a while, so what? I have to study every day, I’m so bored! \”The child was uncharacteristically uncharacteristic, making the mother dumbfounded. Later, after experts had an in-depth conversation with the child, they found out that his mother\’s daily nagging and control made him feel suffocated. Every time he asked questions about learning, if the child said \”It\’s done,\” the mother He will then ask: \”Then why do you still have free time? You should review and review more. If the answer is \”I haven\’t finished it yet,\” my mother will also scold me: \”Why don\’t you finish it quickly? Why is your study attitude so bad?\” \”What children expect is a little freedom and personal space, and excessive control will only make them feel depressed and disgusted, and then adopt confrontational behaviors to express their dissatisfaction. Many parents will lament: \”The more I control my children, the more tired I will be. It hasn\’t gotten better either. \”This is because children spend a lot of energy on how to fight against parental control. Under close parental supervision, children will feel neglected and unloved, and will increasingly want to escape parental control. Children become unmanageable The fundamental reason is that they lack trust in adults and do not want to be controlled by adults. When parents can express their opinions and positions calmly and firmly, and appropriately give their children some choices so that they feel respected, children are more likely to do so. Will be willing to obey. Excessive intervention and control are often counterproductive. Patience, understanding and respect are the correct ways to maintain the parent-child relationship. The path of children\’s growth requires parents\’ guidance and letting go, both to establish rules and boundaries for their children. Room and freedom to grow.