A child is getting better and better, starting from the 4 withdrawals of his parents…

I happened to meet my neighbor while having breakfast at a noodle shop on the weekend. Her 12-year-old daughter ordered fried noodles, but her neighbor took it upon herself to change it to black-bone chicken noodle soup: \”What\’s so delicious about fried noodles? Only black-bone chicken noodles are nutritious. Only when you eat well can you have the energy to study.\” \”I don\’t know whether it was because she was dissatisfied or because it didn\’t suit her appetite. My daughter only ate a small half and then stopped eating. When the neighbor saw it, he kept nagging, \”Do you know how hard it is to make money? This is all you eat for a bowl of noodles for RMB 30.\” Then he took a big mouthful of noodles and stuffed it into his daughter\’s mouth. At this time, the daughter pushed the neighbor\’s hand away and started to lose her temper: \”Do I want to eat? You are like this every time. You have control over everything. If you don\’t like it, you will keep saying it!\” After she finished speaking, she stopped talking. He left without looking back. The neighbor complained to me with a look of embarrassment and helplessness: \”Tell me, why are children like this nowadays? Why is she dissatisfied with the food and drinks provided to her? She has such a bad temper and is not obedient at all.\” I couldn\’t help but think of a story. An educator said: A large number of parents wait for their children to say thank you, and children wait for their parents to say sorry. This is because parents always play the role of \”beating\” their children, but they always think it is for the good of their children. How many parents think it is an expression of love, but underneath the surface it is hurt. Only when parents know how to withdraw from these four roles that \”attack\” their children in a timely manner will their children develop toward their parents\’ expectations. In the variety show \”The Boy Who Opens His Heart\” who quit the role of \”arranger\”, there is an arranger-type mother who takes care of her children\’s food, clothing, housing and transportation in every detail. Every day, from preparing breakfast to feeding her son, wiping his mouth, brushing his teeth, putting on shoes, and packing his schoolbag, she was busy like a top, but her son didn\’t even have to stretch his hands during the whole process. Under the care of his mother\’s nanny-style parenting, his son is now 8 years old, but his life skills are basically zero. He can\’t dress, tie his shoes, use chopsticks, and can even sprinkle yogurt all over himself. Because of his poor self-care ability, his son was often laughed at by his classmates at school, but he had nothing to do because he felt from the bottom of his heart: \”My parents are not around, so I can do nothing.\” Thinking of Julie\’s best-selling book \”Making Children Adults Again\” There is a passage in \”Adult\”: \”The moment you fight for your child, he becomes a victim. The message you convey to him is: You can\’t do it, you are not strong enough, you can\’t solve this problem by yourself, and I need to intervene. Let me handle it for you.\” Parents who take care of everything, while removing all obstacles for their children, also cut off their children\’s wings to soar into the sky. As parents, we must know that we cannot always be with our children. Our children will eventually grow up and leave us to move forward alone. Therefore, for the sake of your children, you must let them go as early as possible when they are still young, so that they can achieve success and let their children grow strong wings and soar into the sky. As education experts recognize, a child\’s ability is generally directly proportional to the lack of parental care. If the parents cannot complete 20% of the tasks for their children, the children have 20% of the ability. The best gift parents can give their children is to slowly withdraw from their space and life. Exiting the dining table at the age of 3 encourages children to learn to take care of themselves; exiting the bedroom at the age of 5 allows children to learn to embrace the night; exiting the bathroom at the age of 6 teaches childrenChildren\’s physical boundaries; withdrawing from the room at the age of 8 and returning privacy to the children; withdrawing from housework at the age of 12 to cultivate their ability to live independently. As the writer Zhou Guoping said: \”If you really love your children, you should take a long-term view so that the children can be separated from their parents and still have the ability to live well without their parents. This is common sense.\” Only by letting children gradually learn to take care of themselves, become self-reliant, and become self-reliant can they live out their lives. own wonderful life. Retreat from the role of \”controller\” The book \”Thank Yourself for Imperfections\” points out: \”Happy families all have one thing in common. There is no one with a strong desire to control in the family. And unfortunate families all have a desire to control.\” A very strong person. \”Parental control is a disaster in a child\’s life. The mother and daughter Meng Mingwei and Li Yijin in the CCTV drama \”Fireworks\” completely staged the Chinese-style mother-daughter relationship of control, restraint and escape. In the play, the mother doesn’t care about anything from her daily routine of eating, drinking and having sex, to her work and finding a partner. She insists on buying clothes she likes for her daughter, and forcibly cuts her daughter’s bangs according to her own preferences; because she can’t see her. I took my daughter\’s job in a children\’s theater and asked someone to reserve a spot for her to resign and return to her hometown to be a teacher. When her daughter didn\’t want to, she took it upon herself to call her daughter\’s boss to help her resign; her daughter was almost 30, and she was always going through her daughter\’s schoolbag, interfering in her daughter\’s love affairs, and tricking her daughter into going on a blind date while she was working… She He was full of love and \”for your own good\”, but he kept his daughter living in a suffocating sense of self-doubt and denial, forcing her to finally become cruel and resolutely get back together with her scumbag ex-boyfriend and coldly draw a clear line with her. There are many such parents in life. Because of anxiety, worry, and distrust, they always impose their own ideas and wishes on their children. As everyone knows, this kind of love is too heavy, too overbearing, and involves too much interference. When mixed together, it becomes the \”weight of life\” that the child cannot bear! Studies have shown that children who grow up in controlling families are prone to develop various psychological problems: depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsiveness, fear, procrastination, substance addiction, and inability to love. Just like graduate student Yang Yuanyuan, because her mother had been attached to her body like a leech for decades, leaving her with no freedom at all. She was forced to breathe, so she had no choice but to hang herself in an extreme way to end the pain. Psychologist Rogers said: Love is deep understanding and acceptance. To truly love your child, you should love him as he is, not as you want him to be. Only when children can take charge of their own lives can they have love in their hearts and have a direction to move forward. Quit the role of \”negative reviewer\” There is a question on Zhihu that has been viewed more than 74 million times: \”How easy is it to psychologically destroy an ordinary person?\” Gao Zan replied: \”Negative him. Don\’t show any If you have any mood swings, be sure to deny him patiently, objectively, and calmly. Deny his behavior, his appearance, his friends, and his character. If he questions it, say: \’I don\’t care what others think. How could it harm you? \’He will become prone to self-denial, doubt, worry, and even subconsciously reject the good things that come towards him.\” Finally, the author said this chilling sentence: \”This is it. That\’s what a lot of parents are doing. They\’ve been through the world.Be upright and never repent. \”Yes, many parents believe that children need to be suppressed more so that they can develop resilience so that they will not be afraid of being bullied when they go out into society. The fact is that children who are often belittled and denied do not become stronger, but lose their personality. Submissive and fragile. In \”Youth Speaks\”, the mother of the depressed patient Xiao D often said to him: \”You have to admit how bad you are! \”He has a cousin who is a top student, and a sister who is a recommended student, but he is just ordinary. In order to motivate him, his mother always compares his cousin and sister with him, hoping that he will realize his shame and then be brave. However, under his mother\’s blow, he did not become more courageous. Instead, his inferiority complex was engraved in his bones. He felt that he was garbage and the stupidest child in the world. Even when faced with sincere praise from others, he would subconsciously refute. , feels unreal. Montessori once said, \”Children do not judge themselves, they judge themselves by the attitude of others towards them. \”Language is powerful. When parents use it to attack their children, the children will become what their parents say is a failure. If you want your children to become better, don\’t be a bad critic of your children. Give your children one more five-star praise and you will be praised. Only children who are seen and praised can be born towards the sun. Zhao Yuping, the keynote speaker of Baijia Forum who has quit the role of \”naggar\”, told a story: A friend who was a mother suddenly came to him and cried: \”Teacher Zhao, this is The days are hopeless! \”That day, my friend was cleaning at home. When she saw her son coming out of the room to pour water, she asked casually: \”Have you finished your homework? As a result, the son exploded: \”Ask, ask, what to ask, I know how to ask all day long!\” If you ask me again, I won’t write anymore, so please leave me alone! After saying that, he immediately slammed the door. The friend was puzzled and didn’t know why his son was so angry. Zhao Yuping talked to the boy and found out that his friend would urge him to study every day and even ask him several times a day. Every time his mother asks him if he has finished his homework, no matter if he answers \”finished\” or \”not finished\”, his mother will nag endlessly: \”I finished it, but I am still sitting on the sofa in a daze. Don’t waste time doing exercises and memorizing words! \”If you haven\’t finished writing, why don\’t you hurry up and start writing?\” \”You have such a bad attitude towards learning. You push and push every time. Your father and I work hard to make money outside. You have such a moral character. Who can you deserve?\” \”The boy couldn\’t stand his mother\’s nagging and preaching, so he developed a sense of resistance and could only protest by being rebellious and losing his temper. A psychology teacher once said: \”The nagging of parents seems to be concern, but in fact it is a kind of concern. Chronic psychological torture. \”Endless nagging is, to some extent, a sign of distrust and accusation. As a parent, being able to speak is a skill, but knowing how to shut up is advanced wisdom. When children are focused, learn to shut up. Your companionship will not become a \”distraction\”. When your child talks, learn to shut up, so that your communication will not become a \”preaching\”. When your child tries, learn to shut up, so that your worries will not become a \”curse\”. \”. When parents talk less, children will get better and better. \”A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher\” writes: \”The love of parents is as deep as the ocean, but there is a qualitative difference. What determines the level of quality is notIt is the parents’ education, income, status, etc., but their level of understanding of their children and their ability to handle details. \”Good parents will never do \”injury in the name of love.\” True love must be far-reaching. Give your children the freedom, respect, trust, and appreciation they want. Cultivate children\’s ability to move forward alone and give them the confidence and courage to overcome obstacles. This is the best love for children and the most successful education. Click \”Like\” and encourage parents!