After witnessing the whole process of my daughter becoming useless, I realized that a mother who sacrifices too much is a disaster for the whole family.

As parents, our dedication begins from the moment our children come into this world. Nurturing, accompanying, teaching…many parents are willing to let go of themselves and devote their efforts to their children. But I want to tell all parents: In the past 14 years, the thing I regret most is that I gave up myself and devoted myself to my children! Not only am I extremely anxious every day, my child is also very depressed, has become very rebellious and difficult to manage, and is extremely tired of studying. After my daughter was born, because there were no elderly people to help take care of the child, I simply quit my job and became a full-time mother. I thought that since I specialize in educating children, I have to achieve results and educate my daughter well so that I can live up to my efforts. Therefore, when it comes to my daughter\’s habit cultivation and study, I am strict in discipline and have high requirements. One thing I often say to her is: \”Mom gave up such a good job and development for you. If you don\’t study hard, will you be worthy of your mother?\” Under the indoctrination of this kind of thinking, my daughter is most afraid of seeing me sad and disappointed. I also felt that if I failed in the exam, I would be sorry for my parents, so I was particularly focused on studying. After graduating from elementary school, my daughter successfully entered a local key junior high school. But before I could be happy for a long time, a sudden change completely changed my peaceful life. Children admitted to this key middle school basically have one foot on the threshold of a key high school, and their admission rate is very high. Similarly, the children who can be admitted to this school are also the elites in the original school. More than a month after school started, my daughter came home and complained to me: \”Our class is simply too difficult. I just found out today that some students have already finished the second grade math and English in advance. What kind of pressure are you trying to push people to?\” Go?\” I was very happy after hearing this, and taught my daughter, \”Isn\’t it a rare asset to have such a classmate as a role model in this class? You should not complain, but learn from them!\” My daughter doesn\’t! Silenced. In order not to fall behind, she studied very late every day, often after 11 o\’clock, and the lights in the room were still on. But the midterm exam that followed gave her daughter a heavy blow. She has been consistently among the top three in the class since elementary school, but now she is suddenly ranked in the forties, almost at the bottom. Shocked and angry, I asked my daughter: \”I study every day, but where have I learned? Why are you so embarrassed to have passed the exam like this?\” My daughter cried. Seeing her sad and guilty eyes made me feel very sad. But in order to stimulate her fighting spirit, I could only continue to beat her hard. At the dinner table, on the way to take her to school, and after returning home, I tried every means to encourage her and tell her about my difficulties. Although my daughter kept her head down and said nothing, I knew that my sensitive daughter would definitely listen. Unexpectedly, instead of working harder because of guilt, my daughter felt that studying was too involved and insisted on suspending school! When I first heard about my daughter\’s decision, I was shocked and angry, so I kept persuading and educating my daughter: \”Mom and dad have worked so hard, all for you. How can you say that you won\’t go to school if you don\’t want to go to school?\” \”You kid, can you?\” Can\’t you have a sense of responsibility?\” But my complaints did not inspire guilt in my daughter. Instead, she refused to communicate with me and locked herself in the room without anyone.reason. If I force the door open and go in, my daughter will yell and cry so hoarse that it scares me. Time passes day by day, and it’s almost a month in the blink of an eye. My husband also went from comforting me at the beginning to blaming and complaining. He thinks that I am a failure as a mother for raising my daughter to be like this. During that time, there was a dark cloud in the house. After my daughter and I quarreled, I quarreled with my husband. The broken relationship kept me awake all night. I really had no choice but to search online, find some articles and videos on educating children, and start to systematically learn how to educate children. After some study, I gradually figured out how the situation got to where it is today. Indeed, like many parents, I don\’t know when I started to use \”my hard work\” to make my children feel \”guilty\” and \”grateful\” and then listen to me. When she was a child, this trick worked really well. As soon as I said \”Mom is so disappointed\” and \”Mom is so hard for you\”, my daughter would feel guilty, and then she would immediately correct her mistakes and study hard. At that time, I didn’t understand scientific parenting methods and lacked reflection. So, I began to use this wrong method frequently, and I was secretly happy that I could influence my daughter and stimulate her motivation to learn. But in junior high school, the effect of this method gradually weakens! Different levels of guilt can lead to sensitive and rebellious behaviors in children. In the end, not only does it not work, but it will give children the mentality of \”a dead pig is not afraid of boiling water\” and simply break the jar. Because in the child\’s mind, after torturing himself with a \”sense of guilt\”, he has already completed a kind of \”make up\”. Problems such as being tired of studying, dropping out of school, being depressed, and running away from home often come from this. The long-term wrong education method has caused my daughter to completely lie down, be tired of school and drop out of school, and is unwilling to communicate with her parents. If there is no problem with the child, I will not realize that it is my own education method that is wrong. As a teacher once said to me: \”Excessive demands for emotional value from children and showing their dedication and sacrifice to children put a lot of pressure on them. The resulting emotion in children can only be a sense of guilt. , and the lack of security caused by the inability to pay \’repay\’. \”Children who grow up with guilt, even if they work intermittently, do not come from inner self-driving force, but a kind of motivation from the outside world. Such motivation is. Not lasting. So what should I do to help my children regain their motivation to learn, regain their confidence in learning, and go back to school as soon as possible? The teacher told me that freezing three feet does not happen in a day. Similarly, repairing a child\’s heart and learning motivation also requires a process. He suggested that I put aside my eagerness for quick success and take steps in life to guide my children out of trouble. 1. Change the focus, focus less on grades, and care more about children. According to the laws of child psychological development, adolescent children have developed the ability to worry about the future and lack confidence in themselves, so they are prone to anxiety and depression. Although they often have a non-serious attitude, causing their parents\’ anger and concern, in fact, the pressure of academic, social, and self-development can make them collapse. If parents use improper discipline methods and ignore their children’s emotional changes,It is likely to deteriorate into psychological problems and further develop into serious problems such as being tired of studying and dropping out of school. Now, when I think back to my daughter\’s state before she dropped out of school, I realize that she had actually revealed her inner breakdown a long time ago. The dramatic decline in grades and lagging behind in competition among classmates made my daughter anxious and fearful. But every time she confided in me, I pushed back with stern lectures and a tough attitude. I didn\’t pay attention to her physical and mental state, I just emphasized studying hard. In the end, my daughter\’s mentality completely collapsed and she gave up. 2. Change the educational mentality to be less \”moral kidnapping\” and more understanding. Many adolescent children become tired of learning and rebellious because their parents do not understand them. I am a mother who is accustomed to \”moral kidnapping\” and lacks understanding of her daughter. Although I can give everything for my daughter without hesitation, in daily education, I treat her like my own accessory. \”I am your mother, can I still harm you? You should listen to me. If you don\’t study hard, are you worthy of me? Mom, for you…\” These are what I often say to my daughter. Even the youngest children have self-esteem, but adolescent children are in the stage of transition to adults, awakening their self-awareness, and are more eager for the understanding of their parents. I am increasingly disgusted with my parents\’ attempts to stimulate their sense of guilt through \”moral kidnapping\”. The most important principle in dealing with adolescent children is understanding. Understand the child\’s situation, pay attention to the way you speak, give less orders, and discuss more; refuse to kidnap the child with guilt, listen to the child\’s true inner thoughts, use less force, and more trust and let go. During that time, I spent a lot of time every day learning how to deal with adolescent children, and I also applied the methods I learned to getting along with my daughter. Gradually, I shifted my focus to my own growth and adjustment. I no longer paid too much attention to my daughter’s learning problems, no longer urged her to go to school, and no longer nagged me about my difficulties…when she was in a good mood. Sometimes, I would ask her for advice and then take her out of the house. Visiting the park, going to the beach, eating delicious food… I immersed myself in every activity and never mentioned a word about resuming school. The scenery of lakes and mountains has a strong healing power, and our mother-daughter relationship is becoming more harmonious day by day during the relaxing play time. Finally one day, my daughter couldn\’t help but take the initiative and asked me why I didn\’t rush to force her to go back to school. Aren\’t I worried that she wouldn\’t be able to catch up in her studies? I also took this opportunity to tell my daughter about my learning experience and reflection process these days. I told her that in the past, because her mother did not understand education, it caused a lot of psychological pressure on her. We now need to adjust together so that she can be a happy child and I can be a happy mother. After hearing what I said, my daughter burst into tears. She cried so loudly that I quickly went up to hug her. I knew that she had too many grievances in her heart. After her emotions were released, her daughter\’s condition improved greatly, and her dislike of school gradually decreased. In the second week, she proposed that she want to go back to school. In this midterm exam, there are 26 students in my daughter’s class. In my opinion, there are alreadyGreat progress. I was really happy for my daughter\’s progress. When she heard my encouragement and recognition, the anxious look in my daughter\’s eyes disappeared. She breathed a long sigh of relief. After dinner, she hummed happily and returned to the house. Do your homework quietly in the room. Looking at my daughter’s focused profile, I understood that this was her inner motivation for learning being awakened and she wanted to learn on her own initiative. With this situation, why should I worry about my ranking in an exam? Psychologist Li Xue once said: \”External drive can also drive a person, but the feelings it brings are competition, pain and internal friction.\” He deeply agrees. Children who have been forced to study since childhood will lack motivation to learn even if they have good grades. Once you meet a master, the first thing that comes to mind is not how to catch up, but how to avoid defeat. Just like my daughter, after falling in the face of setbacks, she could never stand up again and had to take a leave of absence from school to solve the problem of declining grades. Therefore, after going through this difficulty with my daughter, I deeply realized that forcing children to learn has limited effect, and kidnapping children with excessive sacrifice is even more undesirable. Truly wise parents know how to let go and cultivate their children\’s inner drive. Let them feel their inner strength, be the masters of life, and proactively face the ups and downs in learning. Educating children is a practice. It is not scary to encounter problems. What is scary is that parents are unwilling to adjust and change! If you have adolescent children in your family and are worried about their children’s aversion to school and rebelliousness, I hope you can refer to my two experiences above and start with yourself to make changes. I believe that in the near future, your children will also grow towards the sun and grow up confident and bright.