Whether children will love themselves well when they grow up is hidden in these four words

If asked: \”Do you like yourself?\” I believe many people will hesitate to answer. Some people will even say: \”Sometimes I hate myself…\” When making mistakes that shouldn\’t be made: \”Really , why am I so useless…\” Seeing outstanding peers: \”I\’m such a failure…\” Facing criticism from others: \”It turns out it\’s all my fault…\” Criticizing yourself when things happen is a \” Self-loathing.” Its frequent appearance is related to our topic today \”self-acceptance\”. In previous articles, we often mentioned that parents should know how to accept their children\’s emotions and feelings. One of the purposes is to help children better accept themselves. Childhood is often a critical period for a person to achieve self-acceptance. If a child fails to achieve a certain level of self-acceptance, he or she may often experience related psychological distress in the future, such as habitual self-criticism. 01Understand Self-Acceptance What is self-acceptance? Child psychologist Erin Kennedy-Moore explained in \”Learning Self-Acceptance: Helping Children Transcend Inferiority and Move toward Confidence\”: True self-acceptance is not about thinking that \”you are special\” or \”you are excellent.\” True self-acceptance means no longer asking: Do I look good enough? When we no longer shrink mentally and no longer evaluate ourselves all the time, we can listen, learn, try and experience freely, and we can do things calmly and care for others. When talking about self-acceptance, many parents think that as long as their children believe that they are good and perfect, their children will be able to stay away from self-doubt. In fact, this is not the case, because this kind of \”you are great\”, \”you are amazing\”, \”you are perfect\” voice is sometimes a kind of \”deception\”. Our evaluation does not match the child\’s self-feeling, but makes them feel Worse, more dissatisfied with myself. For example: There is a little girl who is often laughed at by her peers because of her dark skin and small eyes. As she grows older, her daughter’s anxiety about her appearance also deepens. One day, she asked her mother: \”Mom, am I ugly?\” Mom: \”No, you are the most beautiful!\” \”My classmates all said that I am too black…\” \”You are not black!\” Daughter She was very disappointed and said: \”Because you are my mother, you would say that.\” The mother\’s words of comfort failed to make the child feel better in the end. Because the mother also seems to refuse to acknowledge this characteristic of her child, which invisibly expresses her disapproval of this characteristic of her child. On the contrary, she seems not to understand her child\’s feeling of loss. What can we say? “There are various colors of skin in the world, and some people think that every color is beautiful, just like some people think that wheat color is a healthy skin color.” (Understanding the diversity of things) “Small eyes, But our eyes can be beautiful. Mom thinks your eyes are very bright when you smile…\” (Accept your own characteristics and understand yourself more completely) Accepting yourself does not mean over-beautifying yourself, but acknowledging the imperfections in \”me\” existence and accept them, \”I\” have its own advantages, and \”I\” naturally have its own limitations. This fact is the basis for children to accept themselves. They can say: \”I don\’t like a certain characteristic of my appearance or a certain trait of my personality, but IAcknowledge that they are all a part of me. There are some parts that I can\’t change, but I\’m willing to pay attention to the parts that can be changed. \”This is self-acceptance. Acceptance is acknowledging all facts related to oneself. Only in this way can children be freed from the judgment of others and themselves and be their true selves. Accept one\’s past – despite many failures, I have made many mistakes, but they are part of life and the ladder of my own growth. Accept yourself as I am now – although I have many shortcomings and shortcomings, although I am not perfect, what I can do now is my best. The most important thing is to accept your own limitations, shortcomings, conflicts and incompetence in some aspects. This is not a calm attitude, but to see yourself more objectively, so that children have the courage to accept imperfections. You will not be so easily affected by external or internal criticism, and learn to support and care for yourself. 02 It is difficult for people who are not recognized by their parents to accept themselves. \”Self-acceptance\” can be said to be an issue that every child will face throughout his life, at different stages of life. In \”Mr. Toad Goes to a Psychologist\”, counselor Heron tells Toad: Childhood experiences are so powerful and vivid, and everyone\’s view of the world is in the earliest stages of life. How children view themselves is often gradually formed during this period. Among them, parents\’ influence is undoubtedly the most profound. Generally speaking, children who are not well accepted by their parents in childhood will find it more difficult to accept themselves when they grow up. Acceptance generally includes three aspects: ▶ Overly picky children will internalize their parents’ voices and refer to these voices to criticize themselves. Some parents unintentionally send a message to their children – “You have too many flaws/shortcomings. Not worth loving. \”So the child will also firmly believe that he is bad. I think of a netizen who once talked about his parents\’ \”disdain\” for him, saying that he was not tall enough, his personality was not cheerful enough, and he was boring. Finally, he concluded that he has no future when he grows up. , he will definitely not be able to find a wife in the future. When he grows up, this friend will live cautiously in front of the opposite sex. Even if he meets a girl he is interested in, he will not dare to take a step forward. There will always be a voice in his mind reminding him: \” She definitely won\’t like someone like me. There is a sentence in \”Self-Awakening, Giving Children the Best Family of Origin\”: \”Parents\’ harsh criticism, hurtful attitudes, prejudices, and unreasonable expectations towards their children will be internalized in the child\’s sense of self-esteem; thus forming a Set against your own inner voice. \”Parents\’ pickiness about their children eventually turns into their children\’s \”dislike\” of themselves. ▶Conditional love There is also a type of parents. Although they will not be too harsh on their children, they will convey their \”dissatisfaction\” to their children in other ways. ——For example, when the children get good grades, they can see the smiles of their parents and reward the children; when the children do not do well in the exam, the parents will sigh. Grades and performance become the way to please the parents, and the only way is to do well and do it perfectly. , in order to get more love and recognition. Children have a belief in their hearts that being loved is conditional, either by behaving well or achieving success, so they start a lifelong game of \”chasing excellence\”, hopingThe value of being liked, recognized by others, and recognized by society. When they do something wrong or encounter failure, they will fiercely blame and deny themselves, and they are more likely to feel anxious or despair. Because parents cannot accept imperfect children, children dare not show their true selves, let alone accept themselves. ▶Regular neglect of children. When children need their parents to be present, parents are absent. When children need parental comfort, parents do not acknowledge their feelings. When children raise their emotional needs to parents, parents avoid and deny… If such a thing Often times, children will have this deep sense of “rejection,” and then they will question their own worth: Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy of attention? Am I not supposed to feel this way? They do not receive enough attention and respect from their parents, and naturally they will not respect and value their own feelings. 03How to improve children’s self-acceptance level? ♡1. Love and acceptance come first. Love is deep understanding and acceptance. This is a kind of love that \”can go home at any time\” and a kind of supporting power: no matter what you look like or what happens to you, I will love you, accept you, respect your feelings and needs, and be willing to accompany you. Solve the problem. Once children are understood, accepted and valued, and healthy relationships are established, they will be less likely to question their own worth and focus too much on their own shortcomings. Author Astrid Desbold\’s picture book \”Mom, Will You Always Love Me?\” \”\”, the little boy asked: \”Mom, will you always love me so much?\” The mother said this: My child, when you remember me, I love you; when you can\’t remember me, I also love you. I love you when you are smart and well-behaved; I also love you when you are naughty and mischievous. I love you because you are my baby, even though you will eventually leave me when you grow up. This is my mother’s secret: I will always love you. \”I love you forever\” is the most touching sentence in the world. Children irrigated by love can break through all obstacles and grow upward like weeds. Children who grow up in this environment are more likely to form a stable and healthy self. Even if they will encounter various comments and doubts in the future, the child\’s heart will be stronger because he fully feels the support of adults. ♡2. Guide children to view the outside world correctly. I once saw a video where a little boy was told by his classmates that the clothes he was wearing were ugly. On the way home from school, the boy asked his mother to buy another one of the same kind. The mother was very confused, and the child explained seriously: \”Why do they say I can\’t wear it if it doesn\’t look good? I have to wear it every day to let him get used to it.\” An adult in the comment area sighed: \”It\’s better to live as a child when he grows up. Transparent.\” Because for many adults, this is a new way of getting along with the world. This \”kid brother\” born in the 10s does not become internalized by other people\’s evaluations, and does not regard other people\’s opinions of him as his behavior. \”Direction\”, trying to make oneself more \”perfect\”. As a child grows up, outside voices are likely to affect his view of himself. In addition, with the development of the Internet today, some children are absorbing some biased information almost every day, forming cognitive biases, such as the \”\”Appearance is justice\” and \”white skinny\” have caused some children to suffer from appearance anxiety and form a stereotyped impression of the definition of beauty. These voices will fill children\’s hearts with pressure, and even many adults find it difficult to resist. If you want your children to To be more sober and independent, as parents, we need to help our children understand themselves, respect and understand differences, and convey healthy values ​​​​in simple daily interactions. Dr. Erin Kennedy-Moore once mentioned a good saying: When talking about your family\’s values, you might say: \”In our family, we believe that…\” \”In our family, what we value most is…\” \”In our family, we focus on…\” You can ask The children can explain the reasons and personal and family stories related to these values. We can find opportunities to talk to the children in life. During the dialogue, we should allow the children to argue with us and do not deny it at the first time. Children who grow up in an environment will always feel the importance of expressing their opinions. Only when children learn to think independently will they not blindly follow us. When we respond to children\’s various problems with warmth and openness, children will also learn the same way. Look at yourself, look at differences, and have the \”courage to be hated.\” If you like today\’s article, remember to click \”Like\” at the end. I hope every child can learn to accept the true self.