Why is it said that children’s psychological problems are hidden in the mother’s childhood?

The reason why I walked into the counseling room was because of my daughter. Over the years, I have been staying in this city and haven’t gone anywhere. Because I also have a daughter. I got divorced at the age of 28 and lived the life of a single mother with my daughter who was less than 7 years old. I thought that the days when mother and daughter depended on each other would make our connection deeper than ever. Unexpectedly, as my daughter grows up, the gap between us becomes more and more unsolvable. Today, I want to share my story. Tell all parents how to be a competent parent in their children\’s lives. In April last year, I received a call from the teacher of my daughter’s third grade junior high school. She told me that the child was using small iron pieces to harm himself in the dormitory, and was discovered by other classmates. After rushing to pick up my daughter from school, I discovered that there were nearly 30 long and short scars in rows on her right forearm. I asked my daughter: \”Does it hurt?\” She said: \”It hurts when I first rowed, but after the pain passed, I felt an indescribable feeling of relief…\” My daughter also said that she once told me that she had psychological problems. But I didn\’t care enough, so she could only use this method to attract my attention. She had never had a good night\’s sleep in the boarding school for the past three years, every day. Later, she took a long break, citing illness as an excuse. I thought, let\’s take advantage of this time to help her out of trouble. However, I took her to the hospital, but she refused. I suggested that she find a psychological counselor, but she also refused. Every day, she stays at home and plays with her mobile phone. I cried as long as she stayed. I really didn’t know what to do with her, so I simply made an appointment with a psychological counselor and wanted to find professional help. When I first met with the counselor, I tried hard to control my emotions, try to act like an adult, and started talking about my daughter. I said: \”I even quit my job and wanted to spend time with her and help her. However, she knew that studying was important, but she always asked for leave because she was sick and refused to go to school. This made me feel that I was a fool and that I was too soft-hearted. She calculated and manipulated me again and again. \”I also said: \”Seeing her, and thinking about my 15-year-old self, I was very mentally unbalanced. Why was it that at the same age of 15, my mother didn\’t want me to care about me, and I had to eat, drink, and wear everything. Relying on myself, I have to shoulder all the mistakes I make. Why do I want to study but I can’t? She says studying is the way out but always says she needs to take time off when she’s sick. She only plays games at home and doesn’t get along with others when she complains. I said a word and a half, who am I? \”Grief, resentment, unwillingness, anger… all the emotions came rushing in. I went from cautious to hysterical, and finally couldn\’t help it. I covered my face with my hands, tears streaming down my fingers. The seam leaks out. I felt like I was pushed to the edge of a cliff and wanted to jump off. The counselor stayed with me quietly. I don\’t know how long it took, but she said softly: \”Now, can you open your eyes and look at me?\” I shook my head, and then shook my head. I could feel the counselor getting closer to me. She first tried to touch my shoulder, and then gently wiped away the tears on my hand with a tissue. I saw her squatting in front of me, looking at me tenderly, and said: \”When you want to cry again in the future, you can try to open your eyes…\” ThenFor a moment, I felt my heart being hugged warmly. After I calmed down, the counselor began to carefully analyze the problem with me. She said: \”When you were a child, you were emotionally abandoned by your parents, and there was a part of your heart that could not be stitched together. And your daughter is now tearing at this scar in her heart.\” \”Do you both want and be unwilling to be a qualified person?\” Mother? Do you want your child to grow up healthily and happily, but at the same time, you hope that she can also experience the pain of not being loved, so that she can truly experience whether it is you or her who suffers more?\” I became excited: \”I feel sorry for her? Sometimes I am a little harsh, hoping that she will avoid detours. I don’t expect to be her proud mother, but she said why I gave birth to her, why am I her mother?” I said this in my mind. I can\’t help but relive those scenes – when my daughter was sick, she would yell at me: \”You always feel miserable, you always feel it\’s difficult, you have no idea what I\’m going through, you have no way of understanding what I\’m going through.\” Feeling, I am more pitiful than you, I am even more miserable than you, I would rather be like you, no one cares about me since I was a child, it would be better than now!\” The counselor told me, in fact, we still have the trauma that was not digested in childhood. These feelings and experiences are always hidden in our bodies. We think we are relieved, but when we become parents, we find that we become more and more like our annoying parents. \”As a mother, I can feel your helplessness and despair at that time. But you see, how great you are, and how difficult it is for you to get to where you are today. And as your counselor, I want to tell you seriously, Because of the lack of care in childhood, you may not be patient enough with anyone or anything, even your own daughter. Maybe you will be overly harsh and complain about small things. Usually, your daughter is afraid of you. \”I thought of her always being silent, I thought of her standing far away from me, I thought of her arms covered with scars… The consultant continued: \”Do you hope to discuss a feasible solution with her? But her lack of cooperation made you feel rejected, and you gradually became angry and began to criticize her and settle old scores, hoping that she would take the initiative to admit her mistake and promise not to do it again, but she didn\’t give you any response? \”Me: \”Yes, I\’m really angry. I\’ve tried all the methods. To put it bluntly, I feel like a clown and she feels like an outsider.\” The consultant asked me back: \”What do you think of your mother?\” Is your daughter doing this to you?\” I was a little stunned, stunned for a few seconds, and suddenly felt a chill on my back. Yes, same. When I was in adolescence, my mother and I would often have cold wars, going for months without saying a word. Counselor – \”Actually, there are several possibilities for the child\’s silence. Let\’s take a look. 1. It is intentional. This is passive aggressive, creating a sense of uncertainty for you and making you feel frustrated and embarrassed. 2. The child She doesn\’t know what to do, and she may have presupposed that no matter what she says, you won\’t listen, or she feels that you can\’t understand it, so she simply stops talking. This situation is called learned helplessness in psychology 3. .Zombie state. In other words, in the process of asking her to respond, maybe because of a certain sentence or something.This action causes the child to have a stress response. If the child has a higher level of anxiety and is more sensitive, in order to protect himself, he will choose not to respond to cover up his fear and depression. At least, from the child\’s point of view, avoiding quarrels and venting your anger as you wish is her best solution. Therefore, when you have a conflict with your daughter, you will fall into a communication mode in which one party asks the other to retreat. I have told you before that in all relationships, whoever suffers will change. As far as you are telling me now, facing During a conflict, you want change more than your daughter. When good communication cannot be established, you are more painful than your daughter. Maybe when you are trying your best to get your daughter to respond to you, she hopes to end this painful conversation as soon as possible. . You should seriously pay attention to the purpose of the current communication, replace \’you\’ and \’I\’ with \’we\’, so that your daughter can feel that you are together, not against each other. \”After listening to the consultant\’s analysis and suggestions, I suddenly became enlightened. Following the consultant\’s guidance, I revealed everything about my children and myself. In the consulting room, I saw another child through my daughter. Little me. There are many problems in this little me that I don’t recognize. For example, the more I like and long for people and things, the more I push away and stay away from the people I care about most. In front of me, I deliberately behaved badly in order to prove that I could be loved unconditionally. Looking back now, from the moment I stepped into the consulting room, the background of my life was no longer gray. . My past, when I look back occasionally, every step I have taken counts, and I get more different experiences from my experiences, which is a treasure. Now that I am about to enter my 40s, I will continue to work hard to improve my sense of responsibility and determination. Resilience, continue to learn how to love yourself and your daughter better. In short, life in the world is full of ups and downs, joys and sorrows. With the accumulation of time and experience, we learn to solve problems – then new problems arise – and then solve problems. . And in the process, discover more of yourself and discover your true needs.