A child will not change unless he feels loved

\”Let\’s jump off the building together!\” This is what a mother in Dalian said to her 13-year-old son in despair. Her son is about to enter junior high school, but he is not in the best state of study at all. He doesn\’t study without being pushed, deliberately misses homework, and often copies answers. In addition, my son is particularly disobedient. Not only is he rebellious and willful, he also loves to lie, talk back, and has a bad temper. In order to educate her son, her mother tried many methods: beating and scolding, threatening, losing her temper, reasoning, and taking her children to experience picking up garbage… But her son just refused to eat soft and hard food, and refused to eat oil and salt. The more he tried, the more stubborn he became. In the end, her mother didn\’t really jump off the building, but she still couldn\’t figure out why her son didn\’t appreciate it and didn\’t change at all when she was clearly doing it for her son\’s benefit. I remembered that there were many mothers leaving messages backstage, saying that despite all their efforts, they still could not educate their children well, and that communication between parents and children was sometimes difficult. Why is this? A director of Mianyang Children\’s Hospital, after treating thousands of \”problem\” children, discovered that children have problems often because their inner desires have not been listened to or seen. He once received such a case. The parents reported that their 14-year-old son was addicted to gaming. He not only slept in class and did not do his homework, but also skipped classes many times to go to bars and stay up late playing games. In desperation, the parents had no choice but to cut off the Internet, confiscate their mobile phones, and stop pocket money. Unexpectedly, my son was like a crazy little lion and smashed all the computers and TVs at home. Now, the parent-child relationship has dropped to a freezing point, and my son has not gone to school for several days. But when the director communicated with the boy alone, he heard another version. Since entering junior high school, the boy has been under great academic pressure and often has insomnia at night. He also has many conflicts in getting along with his new classmates. He thought about communicating with his parents, but his parents either asked about his grades or kept preaching and criticizing. After being unable to find help again and again, he came to the conclusion in his heart: What his parents only cared about was his grades, and they only loved him who could bring glory to his parents. Gradually, everything he did felt boring. Only when playing games could he find some happiness and sense of accomplishment. Psychoanalyst Winnicott once said that children\’s problem behaviors are usually expressing something to their parents, hoping that their parents can see some of their feelings. When a child is disobedient, it is not because there is something wrong with the child, but because the parents cannot see the child in trouble. There was a boy in Shandong who refused to study before he was 12 years old. Even though there was no shortage of food and clothing for him at home, he sneaked to the station many times to steal. His father worked in Shanghai, so he stole in Shanghai. When his father went to Nanjing to work, he also went to Nanjing to steal. When he was arrested for the first time, his father hated iron and gave him a hard education. But not long after, the boy was caught stealing again. At that time, no matter how his father beat and scolded him, the child remained silent. Instead, he turned around and confessed to the police: \”I stole a total of 3,000 yuan at this station. According to the law, I cannot be sentenced, but I can be punished by a juvenile detention center for two years.\” \”Year.\” He didn\’t defend himself or ask for a light punishment, but he wanted to go to a juvenile detention center. Why? It turns out that the father went out to work when the boy was one year old. He only sent money all year round and never came home. The boy didn\’t understand why other children had their fathers with them, but it was a luxury for him to even see his father. heChoosing to steal is just a way of expressing dissatisfaction to his father. He gave up on himself just because he couldn\’t feel love and didn\’t know how to resolve the resentment in his heart. As a saying goes: Behind a child\’s \”bad habits\” are the cries of \”lack of love.\” A child\’s external manifestations are all projections of his inner world. What parents need to do is not to solve their children\’s problems, but to see their children\’s inner calling through their behavior. Psychologist Huang Shiming once said that children love their parents deeply and want to obey their parents\’ teachings and give their parents authority. However, they will only be willing to follow their parents\’ guidance when they feel the connection of love, are respected, and are seen. Only when a child is truly seen and feels loved will he change in a good direction. Jia Rongtao, who was named one of the top ten public welfare figures in Chinese family education, also felt extremely frustrated when educating his son. At that time, his career was flourishing, but his son, who was in his second year of high school, had serious problems: he was addicted to games, had the lowest grades, participated in several group fights, and was expelled from school twice. He hit and scolded him, but instead of listening, his son regarded him as an enemy. As a last resort, he began to reflect on himself, learn about family education, and tried to make three changes: understanding, showing concern, and being more empathetic. When his son failed in the exam, he no longer complained, but said empathetically: \”Son, you failed a lot in the exam. Only now do you know how difficult it is for a high school student. Every day, you face a mountain of homework, and you have to deal with big and small tasks.\” To be honest, if you ask your father to take the exam, he won\’t get so many points. My father always didn\’t understand you. It\’s really inappropriate. \”My son was hit by a bicycle. A child spent thousands of yuan in examination fees and medical expenses. Instead of blaming him, he first comforted his son: \”I understand how you feel now. In fact, you don\’t have to blame yourself too much. Who can make no mistakes?\” What? I know you didn’t mean it, who would cause trouble to the family for no reason?” Then, he took the initiative to help his son repair the bicycle. Even when his son sneaked into an Internet cafe to surf the Internet and stayed out all night, he did not lose his temper. Instead, he expressed his worries: \”Dad does not object to you playing games, but he is just worried about your safety. After study hall last night, I kept When you came home, there was something wrong, so I went to open the door, but I was disappointed again and again. I stayed up all night waiting for you. If you just called me and told me where you were, I would be relieved. \” With his unconditional acceptance, his son no longer had tit-for-tat with him. Not only did he quit playing games, he also began to study hard voluntarily and consciously, and was eventually admitted to a key university. Changes in children require strength. Compared with tough educational methods, warm parenting can nourish children with love and nourish them silently, leading them to grow upward. The \”Law of Warmth\” points out: The more you judge or discipline a child, the more irritating it will be to the child, which will only stimulate the child\’s rebellious mood. Only when the influence of warmth and warmth meets the children\’s emotions and demands will the children be willing to open their hearts. Careful education is the beginning of change for children. Any education that ignores children\’s inner feelings is futile. Just like \”FrontThe book \”Discipline\” says that before correcting a child\’s behavior, you must first win the child\’s heart. If we want our children to change, we must first give them \”love education\” and do these three practices. The first is to cultivate ears and open children’s hearts through listening. Actress Anita Yuen once revealed that her relationship with her son was once very tense, and his son hardly spoke to her. At the most serious time, she complained to her father, Julian Cheung, in front of her: \”I want to change my mother!\” As a last resort, she had to seek help from a psychiatrist. However, she found that the problem was that she was too self-centered and never paid attention to her son\’s inner thoughts. . As a result, she changed her usual strong style. Before doing anything, always ask your son whether he likes it or not. If his son makes a mistake, he will no longer beat or scold him. Instead, he will first listen to his son\’s explanation and then analyze what is right and wrong. Slowly, her son was no longer hostile to her and became more and more willing to listen to her. Ears are the way to the soul. Parents who don\’t know how to listen block their children\’s expression and the channel for education as soon as they open their mouths. Squatting down, opening your ears, and listening to your children\’s thoughts and feelings, parents can better express love and care. The second is to repair the mouth and use warm words to give children the motivation to become better. I once watched a video. The child secretly played games during online classes. When the mother found out, she yelled at the child: \”I can\’t cure you, huh?\” \”Bitch, I told you not to play games, but you still play games for me, how dare you cry?\” Right? \”You\’re a bitch at such a young age, right?\” A sharp roar echoed throughout the community. From a mother\’s perspective, it is not difficult to understand that she is also doing it for her children\’s benefit. But as the saying goes: Parents talk full of love, but their eyes are full of ferocity. A child\’s feelings are actually determined by the parent\’s tone and attitude. When parents\’ language is full of blows, denials, and personal attacks, it will damage the child\’s self-esteem. Instead, the child will break the rules, disobey the parents\’ discipline, and allow the bad behavior to continue. Learn to speak well. If you are worried, say it gently; if you approve, say it with praise; if you criticize, say it with encouragement; if you object, say it with respect. Only words with warmth can give children hope and strength. The third is to cultivate your eyes and see more of your children’s shining points. Wei Shusheng, a special teacher, once said: No matter how bad a child is, if you can find out the shining points in him, you will be half the distance from excellence. He once taught a boy who only got 8 points out of a 100-point test paper. Shusheng Wei did not criticize him, but sincerely affirmed: A student who never listens to lectures, never writes homework, and never reads books can still score 8 points on the test. This is a kind of talent. In one simple sentence, a score of 8 turned from a shame to a bright spot, and there was light in the students\’ eyes. After that, the boy was no longer decadent and tired of learning, but full of energy and began to study new words and common knowledge in literature. The scores went from 8 to 26, then slowly passed, and finally I was admitted to a military academy with excellent results. It is better to teach a child to make ten mistakes than to reward him for one merit. If education focuses on children’s problems and tries to reform them, the children will only get worse and worse. Only by constantly discovering bright spots can children work hard with confidence and sunshine. I agree with a passage very much: A person will not change unless he feels loved; a person will not change unless he feels respected; a person will not change unless he feels that he will not change.is allowed. At any time, the prerequisite for children to change and grow is love. Therefore, as parents, please don’t let your children lack “love” and let their education lose its warmth. Learn to put your words into children\’s hearts, listen more to what children say, and see more of the things that children deserve recognition for. Let a child bathe in love and acceptance, so that he can develop infinite strength and courage from his heart, and grow into a child with love in his heart, light in his eyes, and living up to expectations. Like it, be the gentlest and closest friend in your child\’s life, and accompany him along the way.