What kind of mother is doomed to fail in parenting?

During the summer vacation last year, Dan’s mother received two similar requests for help, both of which were related to the problem that the child was not talkative and could not get along with teachers and classmates after entering school. Because the problems and causes are similar, the advice I shared with them is similar: talk to the children more, talk to the family members in front of the children, and encourage and guide the children to talk to others. After the suggestion was sent out, the two mothers who were complaining just now gave me two completely different responses. A: But my husband is not at home all the time. He sleeps when he comes back on weekends. He has no time to talk. If I want to rely on him, I don’t have to spend the day… Me: I can understand your mood. It’s very difficult for you to raise your children alone. not easy. You just said that your child is thirsty at school and doesn’t know how to fetch water and doesn’t know how to ask for help from teachers or classmates. Then you should guide your child at home and express what you want with words…\” A: I wait for him to say everything. You don’t have to work all day! Me: Try to take your children to get together with friends who have children. Maybe there are fewer people. If you accompany him and guide him to talk, he will be more willing. A: Don’t mention it, I’m just I only married here because of my husband. After coming here for so many years, I haven’t made a single friend. You don’t know how hard it is for me… Well… I was a little embarrassed at the end of the conversation. In short, it was originally a consultation about children’s issues. , turned into this mother\’s personal complaint meeting… But the conversation between mother B and I ended relatively quickly. B: Oh, really? I really didn\’t notice any of this, I just blamed the child, you This statement really reminded me. My children’s father is rarely at home, and he always falls asleep when he comes back. I have two children with me, and sometimes I am really busy all day long. Apart from urging them to eat and sleep, the whole family has no time to take care of them. Say something nice, Mother Dan, thank you. I will think hard about how to cultivate the \”family language atmosphere\” you just mentioned. Looking back afterwards, I have the same problem and the same request for help. I feel that Mother B is here to solve it. question, and Mother A just came here to complain. To be honest, when giving advice to the two mothers, Mother Dan was also very worried. After all, in just a few minutes of online consultation, she learned too little information and could give little advice. Just a summary. Unexpectedly, after the first semester, Mother B came to thank Mother Dan and said that her child was very different. I was very happy and asked Mother B what she had done. She said: \”It\’s nothing. I just did what you said.\” Yes, as long as he is willing to say a few more words, I will praise him. However, his dad was still so busy, so I used some caution and asked the teacher to call his dad to be more serious. After that, he would communicate with the child via video every few days. In order to solve the problem you mentioned of \”no one talks at home\”, I also brought the child\’s grandmother over. In fact, my mother and I usually don\’t talk that much, but for the sake of the child, we had nothing to talk to all day long. If you want to act, you should show it to children… Anyway, just try it here and there. Last month, the teacher said that the child dared to answer questions in class. \”When she said this, I thought of Mother A who had similar problems at that time, so I paid a return visit to ask her. When I asked, I found out that her child\’s situation seemed to have gotten worse, and her complaints were the same as before: \”The teacher asked my child Do you have autism? Let me take your child there.Look, they actually persuaded me to let my child repeat the grade for a year. Why do you think the teacher is like this now? It’s so irresponsible…\” After the return visit, Dan’s mother felt that \”the master leads the door, and cultivation depends on the individual.\” This so-called The difference in \”practice\” is like that between mother A and mother B. Mother B not only understood my few suggestions, but also immediately expanded her thinking and took action immediately. She did not continue to complain about her husband, but She is actively looking for new possibilities under limited conditions: asking for help from teachers, finding grandma, and changing herself. Compared with Mother B’s style of “there are always more solutions than problems”, Mother A has always been in the style of “there are always more complaints than problems” Status: It seems that no matter what kind of advice I give, she will deny it without thinking and attribute all the reasons to other reasons. I thought of the articles I usually write, and I also met many mothers who love to complain: If you tell her that you want your children to be independent, then let them do their own things. She will say: \”The children are too busy studying\”, and then continue to complain about how tiring it is to help the children do this and that every day. You tell her If she wants her husband to become a better father, she must let him participate in childcare. She will say: \”What can he do? After he does it, I have to do it again.\” Then she will continue to complain about her husband\’s inconsideration. Others The children have made rapid progress due to their mother\’s changes, but their children are stuck in endless complaints… They are dissatisfied with their children, their husbands, and their own lives, but they can\’t find a way to solve it. They have no ability to get rid of it and have no energy to solve it. They can only blame their children and blame their husbands in their nagging complaints, ruining their lives. This is a vicious circle… Most \”complaining mothers\” repeat the same things every day, but expect different results. . Just like that sentence: \”The action people will always walk in the sunshine, and the complainers will always beat the wall.\” \”In A and B, Dan Ma deeply understood a sentence: \”It is better to change than to complain.\” Speaking of this, I saw an article a few days ago asking what is the sign of a person\’s true maturity. ? There is a particularly good answer that I would like to share with you: \”It is to be responsible for yourself and others, and to be responsible for your own choices.\” Complaining in the midst of hardship is a kind of instinct, and enjoying hardship is a talent. Life often treats us unfairly, but We found our own husbands and raised our children by ourselves. What we complain about is the unfairness of fate and the incompetence of our husbands. In fact, from a psychological perspective, what we are more dissatisfied about is our own incompetence. You can think back to the successful people around you. How many people waste time complaining? Because of my incompetence, I always wonder why no one takes care of my emotions, but I can\’t put myself in the shoes of others and think about the needs of others. I only accept the sweetness of life and cannot bear the bitterness of life. ——If you don’t have enough ability, you have to use your temper. Of course, Dan’s mother is not saying that she doesn’t complain at all. Even I can’t do this. Moderate complaining is a reasonable way to vent emotions. But letting yourself complain blindly is not enough. Solve any problem. And what’s worse is that the negative energy of emotions will be like a haze, covering our homes and children’s hearts. Children gain low self-esteem from your disdain and learn to be mean from your pickiness. I learned to shirk from your complaints.responsibility. Let me share with you a message from a reader two days ago: \”Because I have never been able to buy a house that I am satisfied with, I have been complaining about the high housing prices and my wrong decisions for several years. When I see the house, I will comment on it. My daughter gets annoyed when she hears me talking about the house. She even said that she likes the current house and will not change it. I don’t think my complaining and nagging are sending negative energy to the family all day long, which makes the child so annoyed! I’m really ashamed that the house is not good. It’s just a house, and what the child needs most is not a house.” Writer Liu Jirong said: A sunny and happy mother is a paradise with birds singing and flowers fragrant. No one is qualified to plant gray seeds in a child\’s heart. If you want your child to be happy, please start by stopping complaining; if you want your child to become better, please start by solving the problem. In parenting, you ask me what kind of mother is destined to fail? That must be a mother who only complains and never changes.