Understand this and your relationship with your children will get better and better

After dinner, Xiao Yu\’er practiced the piano in the room. He played with great interest and high spirits. Suddenly, he played a wrong note, and after a while, he made several wrong notes. I couldn\’t help it anymore and walked up to him: Xiaoyu, you played it wrong just now. He didn\’t even raise his head or pay any attention to me. He continued to play, but his interest was no longer as high as before. Next, he made several mistakes again, and I reminded him again. After I pointed out my mistakes five or six times in a row, he suddenly lost his temper: Hum, I won’t play anymore, I won’t play anymore! It\’s just a mistake. I just want to finish playing this piece completely. Why do you keep interrupting me? Do you know that it is very wrong to interrupt someone else playing the piano? After saying that, he lay on the piano cover and cried. I was stunned when I heard his accusation. Looking at his undulating shoulders, I thought: If I am concentrating on doing something, there are always people interrupting and correcting you. Although I know it is well-intentioned, I will feel a little unhappy after many times. ah. I apologized to Xiao Yuer seriously and admitted that I was wrong. When I sent Xiao Yu\’er to take piano lessons on Sunday, in the training institution, an old lady was scolding her granddaughter loudly: You can\’t even play this simple piece of music. Wait until I get back and tell your mother. See how she deals with you! The little girl shed tears in grievance. A young mother nearby advised: Auntie, stop scolding your child. My child is the same age as her, and I have to be with her in every session. After I get home, I have to say nice things to her and coax her to practice. Your granddaughter is already very well-behaved. She can still practice by herself without the company of adults, which is very good. The old lady scolded her as usual: \”Tell me, the teacher said you made a mistake in playing. If you had practiced well at home, how could you have made a mistake in playing?\” Many times, we always take things for granted from a child\’s point of view. Once a child makes a mistake, our first reaction is to point out the child\’s mistake. But they have forgotten one thing. There are always reasons behind children\’s various problematic behaviors, and there is no unreasonable fault. It\’s summer vacation, but Xiaoyu\’s mother is getting angry. She told me that 10-year-old Xiaoyu has been a little abnormal recently. No matter where he goes, Xiaoyu follows him. He doesn\’t dare to stay at home alone, and he doesn\’t dare to go to the bathroom alone. He needs someone to accompany him wherever he goes. Xiaoyu’s mother said: I don’t know the reason, but I just don’t want to stay at home. I bought him toys and snacks, let him watch TV and play games, but I couldn’t coax him. I also beat and scolded him, but he still couldn’t coax him. Change means that we should accompany him. What should we do if such a big child is so timid? However, after Xiaoyu and I finished talking, the mystery was solved: In the first few days of summer vacation, Xiaoyu went to his uncle\’s house as a guest. Two of his cousins ​​liked to watch thrillers, and Xiaoyu also sat there. Watch together. However, after reading it, he became afraid: someone might come out of nowhere at home; a hand might stick out from the toilet in the bathroom… Many times, we lack empathy and cannot know what our children’s real needs are. Therefore, when children grow up, the generation gap between us and them will become deeper and deeper, because we cannot understand them, and because we do not understand them, there will be more criticism and criticism, and less respect and acceptance. And this is precisely yesThe biggest obstacle in the parent-child relationship. If you want to be intimate with your children without any barriers, \”empathy\” is essential. In the parent-child relationship, \”empathy\” plays a very important role. \”Empathy\” means being able to be in another place, understand the child\’s emotions personally, understand and understand the child\’s situation and feelings empathetically, and respond appropriately to his or her needs. How can we have \”empathy\”? 1. Learn to let go of your own feelings and be willing to understand your children’s feelings more. If we are always condescending and always trying to control our children instead of respecting and understanding them, then we will never have empathy. Many times, we always have this attitude: \”We are adults, and children must listen to adults.\” We are often aloof and want to keep our children firmly in our hands. If this is the case, what we will see in our children is mostly the part that cannot meet our requirements, and we will be full of anxiety and dissatisfaction. Let go of your own feelings, let go of your identity as an adult, and think about how we viewed adults and the world when we were children. Perhaps, we can understand that children today will always be more stressed than we were back then. The more, perhaps, the more understanding and consideration you will get. 2. Learn to understand children’s emotions (including motivations, wishes, goals, etc.) We often replace children’s emotions and thoughts with our own emotions and thoughts. One day, Xiao Yuer\’s class teacher asked me to talk about my parenting experience at the class meeting. I acted modestly based on traditional Chinese virtues. As soon as the meeting ended, the child cried on the way home: Mom, why did you speak so poorly of me? I have so many advantages and you didn’t even mention them. Do you know that the children will laugh at me? I was shocked. It turns out that in the heart of a child, right or wrong has its own conclusion. Advantages are advantages, and disadvantages are disadvantages. Those modesty among adults, in the hearts of children, is a lie. Coincidentally, when I was taking the elevator home, I met my neighbor upstairs with two children. I praised them, and my neighbor said humbly: \”It\’s not that good. These two children are naughty and disobedient.\” Then he complained. When Xiao Yu\’er walked out of the elevator, she said: Look at you adults, you always speak so poorly of us. Do you know that this hurts our hearts a lot? Therefore, empathy also includes standing in the perspective and age of children and understanding their emotions, wishes, motivations, and goals. There are no perfect children and no perfect parents. All we can do is try to stand in their perspective, understand their thoughts and intentions, and understand the reasons behind the emotions they express. 3. Learn to communicate in the language of empathy. After we understand their thoughts, we learn to communicate in language sincerely and from the heart. When the child is unwilling to express his thoughts, let us express them for him. Real feelings, plus some physical actions, such as holding hands, hugging, looking into the eyes, etc. Or, we can use the questioning method: Baby, are you sad because you want to…? Questions like these guide the children step by step and allow them to express their true inner thoughts.come out. Because young children do not use the correct language to express their inner emotions, nor do they know the reasons for their emotional ups and downs. If we can guide them and let them learn to communicate emotionally, it will be of great help to their emotional management. Remember: Don’t use your own thoughts to evaluate your child’s thoughts. Simply expressing your child’s sadness, distress, sadness and other emotions is enough. When your child\’s inner thoughts are expressed by you and he feels your sincerity, he will feel that he is not alone. Someone understands him, understands him, and accompanies him, and his soul will be satisfied and his emotions can be released. . In fact, this is companionship in the soul. The companionship of the heart is better than the companionship of the appearance. This kind of companionship can make children have complete trust in us, slowly open their hearts to accept us, tell us their inner thoughts, and finally become intimate with us. friend. This is the most beautiful part of the parent-child relationship.