What should I do if my husband’s parenting philosophy conflicts with my own?

Some time ago, a reader left me a message and talked about the conflict with her husband. She was very distressed. She said: Recently, my husband and I have been quarreling a lot because of the education of our eldest son. To make a long story short, for example, tonight the child insisted on serving the meal by himself. Just now The cooked porridge was a bit hot, but he insisted on serving it to us. My approach was to stand in front of him to ensure his safety and let him try it once, but my husband told him fiercely that he couldn\’t. When the child cried, my husband would I was so angry that I wanted to hit him. Things like this often happen to us, causing my husband and I to quarrel. I like to read parenting books. I agree with Montessori education, freedom and love, but my husband does not agree. He thinks children should be spanked, and he never does. What parenting books do you like to read? I\’m really devastated. Our family\’s educational philosophies are very conflicting. My husband and I will quarrel whenever it\’s an issue with our eldest son. What should I do? To be honest, this kind of thing happened often in my family before. When we fell in love, I felt that Mr. Lu and I had mostly the same views. It wasn’t until we had children that I discovered that our values ​​​​are so different. Many times, things that I think are insignificant, he doesn’t. It is more important than anything else, and what he values ​​​​is irrelevant to me. For example, he attaches great importance to setting rules for his children. If Rooney fails to sit properly while eating, or sometimes watches TV while eating, he will immediately scold Rooney severely, often making Rooney cry and yell while eating. And I also advocate giving children love and freedom. I think it is not in line with the age requirements for children to sit and eat quietly like adults when they are still young. Besides, I often watched TV while eating when I was a child. , I haven’t become unruly since I grew up. At that time, we were young and energetic, and when we saw that the other party’s behavior towards the children was not in line with our own values, we couldn’t help but point it out on the spot. Of course, we often had fierce quarrels in front of our children. It wasn\’t until one time when we had an argument for some reason and Rooney helped me push his dad hard and said, \”I don\’t listen to you, I only listen to mom, I don\’t love you, I love mom,\” that I realized, What is right and wrong when arguing with your husband? So what if you win? Isn’t it the children who are in trouble in the end? On the one hand, Mr. Lu is his father, and of course he loves his father, but on the other hand, he needs his mother more. In order to cater to me, he had to say things against his will to his father. Such schizophrenia should make him suffer! Later, I read an article by a teacher. The general meaning is, don’t force your husband to treat your children the same way as you, just let the father be the father. A family with a gentle mother and a strict father is more conducive to the growth of the child. Give your children more choices, let them experience a diverse world, understand the different perspectives of different people, and learn to treat different people in different ways. This is growth. Therefore, we must first accept the differences between our lover and ourselves and improve the relationship between husband and wife. In a family, the relationship between husband and wife always comes first. Only when the relationship between husband and wife is good can the whole family maintain balance. If children tend to identify with one party because of different concepts of husband and wife, the family relationship will be unbalanced and the children will be very divided. Second, encounterWhen there is a conflict of ideas, it is best not to argue in front of the children. Because when quarreling, it is difficult for both parties to control their emotions, and sometimes it is inevitable to say excessive words to each other. In fact, parents\’ inconsistent views on education will not have much negative impact on children. Only mutual accusations, abuse, and disrespect caused by parents\’ inconsistent views will have a negative psychological impact on children. Therefore, when you see that there is a problem with your lover\’s education method, you must hold back and don\’t point it out to him face to face. You can find a suitable time to communicate with him again afterwards. Third, if you see that your husband is about to spank the child, it is recommended that you immediately take the child away and keep the child away from the father\’s sight. This has two purposes: one is to protect the child from being beaten and scolded, and the other is to prevent you and your wife from quarreling, which will escalate as the quarrel escalates. Temporarily leaving can give both parties time and space to calm down. Fourth, give your husband the space to take care of the children independently and establish necessary boundaries. After reading too many parenting books, we may think that there are problems with the way other people raise their children, but in fact, is this really the case? not necessarily. No educational philosophy is suitable for all children. Only through constant experimentation and practice can we test the educational methods that are most suitable for our children. You say that your educational philosophy is good, and he says that his method is effective. If there is no result in arguing, then give him a chance to try raising children independently. We all want to educate our children well. If we see that our own method is not working, but you can easily do it, will he not be inferior? Even if you don’t want to admit it, your heart will definitely agree with you slowly. All we have to do is to establish necessary boundaries. When he takes care of the child, no matter what situation he encounters, we should not intervene or judge, and let him communicate with the child in his own way. After all, this is between him and the child. things in between. Fifth, continue to learn and strive to become a better version of yourself. Only by changing yourself first can you influence the people around you. After arguing with Mr. Lu for so many years, I finally realized that I couldn\’t change him at all. The only thing I could do was to change myself. In the beginning, I would often feel resentful. Why should I change? What you\’re doing is wrong, why can\’t you realize it? You usually ignore your children and give me everything. If something goes wrong, you blame me and ask me to reflect on changes… The consequence of this obsession with \”fairness\” is that both parties are unwilling to change and fall into mutual blame. , complaining, and disappointed. Teacher Zhang Defen said in the book \”Meeting the Unknown Self\”, \”Whatever you resist will last.\” \”Don\’t waste energy on those external things that are unchangeable and irresistible. Make a reconciliation and arrangement at the inner level first.\” , and then focus on dealing with the external parts that can be changed.\” We become stronger when we focus on improving ourselves instead of holding a magnifying glass to see the other person’s shortcomings. When we encounter conflict, we see ourselves from a more objective perspective rather than being swept up in out-of-control emotions. When we learn to manage our emotions and can calmly express our dissatisfaction and grievances to our husbands, our husbands will be more willing to cooperate with us. It is said that \”the best way to provide children with wealth is the love of husband and wife\”, \”A mother\’s emotional peace is the greatest education for her children.\” Women are the anchor of the family. I hope we can all use our wisdom to make our families more stable and our children more at ease.