The thought of becoming a parent without having to pass an exam is terrifying.

If a child is exposed to immature, hostile or seductive responses from his parents for a long time, it will cause him intense anxiety and over-stimulation, leading to a lack of spiritual growth. ——Heinz Kohut was taking his children in the children\’s playground a few days ago when he suddenly heard a voice yelling, \”Hurry up.\” Following the sound, a woman stood under the high-altitude net, looking up at her daughter who was walking on the high-altitude net. The little girl was wearing a safety rope, but she still looked scared. The mother shouted to her daughter, \”Why do I pay you to go up there? It\’s just to practice your courage. If you don\’t leave, I\’ll leave.\” The little girl\’s eyes were filled with grievances and pleading. Seeing that her daughter had no intention of moving forward, the mother turned around and left without saying a word. The little girl was immediately frightened and started crying. In fact, everyone present understood that the mother deliberately used provocation to arouse her daughter\’s inner courage, but is this kind of hostile \”force\” really effective? This child who was abandoned in public was only five or six years old. When she was attached to her mother, she subconsciously believed that she and her mother were connected. The mother who was supposed to encourage her, give her a smile and a hug turned around and walked away. At that moment, the little girl\’s inner world collapsed. If possible, she would definitely like to have a pair of wings. But in reality, she could only cry helplessly. There are really too many anxious parents in recent years. Countless articles remind parents: Your mediocrity is destined to fail to raise outstanding children. No one wants to be judged as incompetent, let alone have their children fall behind the pack. Therefore, countless parents hold high the banner of \”everything is for the children\” and join the army of \”tiger parents and wolf mothers\”. Are there any successful examples of this kind of education? Host Dong Qing’s father is the absolute representative. Dong Qing said in the interview that when she was in junior high school, she wanted to apply for Zhejiang Art School, but was opposed by her father. Dong Qing threw the two bowls heavily on the ground, resulting in a violent beating from his father. Later, she wrote \”What\’s the point of living?\”, firstly for her parents and secondly for herself. Even now, when Dong Qing is surrounded by flowers, applause and glory, he still sheds tears every time he recalls his father\’s harsh discipline on him. The father who scolded her at the dinner table every day and forced her to reflect did indeed develop her character of pursuing perfection in work, but it also left scars that can never be erased, that is, eternal self-doubt and self-deprecation. As Dong Qing said, \”The negative effect of my parents\’ strict education since I was a child is my insecurity. This has made me successful and also makes me often in a relatively nervous state. I will be demanding on myself in many aspects and often feel tired.\” .My personality is that the closer I get, the more demanding I become, which is definitely a disadvantage to those close to me.” The influence of the original family on the individual is resistance and inheritance at the same time. \”Positive Discipline\” mentions \”Where did we get the absurd idea that if we want our children to get better, we have to make them feel bad first?\” When a child first comes into the world, she is the most delicate angel in the eyes of her parents, as long as she can grow up happily and healthily. As time goes by, parents\’ heartsThe idea of ​​\”reforming children\” that sprouted from deep inside grew like weeds. The thought of “you should know what others know” clings to the hearts of parents every day. Remind them every day to make progress and work harder to get better. Sign up your children for various specialty classes, and then say, \”Let the children have fun.\” As a result, children are required to participate in any competition, and the saying becomes \”only in this way can we see the results of children\’s learning.\” How can such parents calmly face less than ideal results after spending a lot of money and a lot of time. So all the resentment is projected onto the children, trying to make them feel painful and have no self-esteem. It seems that this can make the children \”understand their shame and then become brave\”. However, children who grow up in a harsh environment are often confused and have to live in the expectations of others and seek approval from others throughout their lives. Sanmao once said that he has lived with \”inferiority and guilty conscience\” his whole life. Since he dropped out of elementary school, Sanmao has been extremely afraid of his father. Whenever his father comes home from get off work and sees Sanmao, he will definitely sigh. And this sigh made Sanmao stay alone in the room forever. Even when she ate, her mother would feed her alone from a tray. Later, her father forced her to memorize Tang poetry and Song lyrics, classical Chinese poetry, and play the piano. She still sighed after every practice. Sanmao said: It’s like a layer of shadow that cannot be washed away, soaked in my skin, telling me every day that you, the child who made your father so sad, are guilty. So Sanmao has been pursuing her father\’s affirmation throughout her life. She wrote in the article: For me, the sadness of life is not to earn the world, but to ask you to appreciate me. Dad, you agree with your daughter, but I have mixed feelings. I don’t know what’s the point of living. Because she received harsh education instead of family companionship in her childhood, she had a passive and escapist attitude towards the future. Until the end, she chose to commit suicide, which was also related to the extreme lack of inner security and intimacy. For children, they don’t differentiate between facts and jokes. They simply believe everything their parents say about them and make it their own. How many children can withstand the ridicule and cold looks of strangers, but they cannot withstand the deep sighs of their parents. Ordinary people only see a handful of successful examples, but more are those thousands of children who have been buried. After this sigh, they subconsciously feel that \”I am not good enough\” and \”I can\’t do it\” and thus depreciate themselves. They could have been more confident, but because they were hit too many times, they suddenly lost the possibility of brilliance. Children are children. Adler wrote in \”Child Psychology Theory\”: A child\’s ability does not determine everything. Adults must look at the child\’s situation through his own eyes. Going back to the mother at the beginning of the article, she was probably blinded by the success stories of tiger parents and wolf mothers, and firmly believed that her departure would give her daughter the courage to move forward. How stupid. You must know that a person\’s strong will is never born from the intimidation of his parents, nor does a person\’s positive character sprout from his parents\’ blows. There once was a boy in my hometown. His parents had high hopes for him since he was a child. They were afraid that his only child would grow crooked, so they always strictly controlled the child\’s life and study. Starting from the first grade of elementary schoolAt the beginning, parents reached a consensus and insisted on not letting their children play with electronic products. Since then, the TV at home has become useless. Even if all the surrounding families are equipped with computers, the boy\’s parents still regard electronic products as a scourge. A few years ago, the boy lived up to expectations and was admitted to a 211 higher education institution. Just when his parents thought they could rest easy after raising a generation of geniuses, news came from the school that he was asked to drop out of school. It turned out that without the control of his parents, the boy was addicted to online games all day long and was unable to extricate himself. In the end, he was sent home because he failed too many subjects. The parents were almost desperate. But at this time, the father still believed that beating the boy when he was young was too harsh, so he would slap the table and yell at him every day whenever something went wrong. My mother talks about it every day: How obedient you were back then and how well you studied. So when I see my son, I shed tears. But the boy remained unmoved. \”You scold him, and he scolds you back; you want to hit him, but he stands taller than you; you strike hard, and he just pushes you to the ground.\” The parents lamented that this is not a son, but an enemy. Punishment may be a good way to discipline your children when they are young. The children will act obediently according to your wishes, but their future behavior will be based on those subconscious thoughts of \”resentment-retaliation-rebellion-retreat\”. The online world gave the boy a sense of security. In his own words: I feel that I am truly alive in the game. Parents must be clear: the present of their children is the past of their parents. If your child yells at you today, it\’s because you always yell at them too. If your child ignores you today, it is because you are always indifferent and indifferent. Today, your child is obsessed with everything. That’s because you are always harsh on him. As the saying goes, \”It\’s terrible to think that you don\’t have to pass an exam to become a parent.\” Raising children is obviously a self-cultivation for parents, but we are used to blaming and punishing children, thinking that this is a way of love. In fact, it tears children apart in the name of love. The best education must be precepts and deeds. The character of parents will deeply affect their children. Those controlling parents, please let go of your obsessions and let your children grow up in an environment of love and understanding. Please believe that every child has a desire for improvement in his heart, just like a small seed trying its best to break the ground and sprout. This is the password set by nature for every life. What parents need to do is respect, understand, listen, and be \”firm without hostility, affectionate without temptation.\”