If you want to be a non-anxious parent, the best way is to find ways to satisfy your own narcissism first

During the psychological interviews with parents, my biggest feeling was: being chased by anxiety. Often after chatting for a while, parents will end their correct values ​​with one sentence: \”I understand the principle of letting children have a happy childhood, but other people\’s children who study well are working hard and constantly.\” Going to remedial classes, let alone us children with average learning?\” This sentence actually means that being correct at the cognitive level can no longer solve my anxiety. Today, with the popularization of parenting knowledge, the biggest confusion for many parents is: I have read a lot of books on scientific parenting, but I still worry about it; I understand how to treat my children, but I just can’t change it; what you said makes sense. I understand it all, but I can\’t do it. If you chew deeply on this feeling of anxiety twice, you will find that there is a huge psychological content hidden behind it. The replacement of primitive narcissism. Some people say that the biggest benefit of having children is that it solves one\’s death anxiety to a large extent, because the continuation of genes allows us to symbolically gain immortality, which contains an undifferentiated emotion: the life of the child. Some of it is mine. This kind of undifferentiated narcissism will become the desire to \”hope that the son will become a dragon and the daughter will become a phoenix\”. Undifferentiated narcissism will extend to more content. For example, the child\’s backwardness is also my backwardness, the child\’s achievements are also my achievements, my wishes should become his wishes, and the children should help me fight for the honors I have not received. Along with \”narcissism\”, there is a twin brother called \”self-attack\”. When a person cannot satisfy his narcissism, self-attack may occur, and this can easily become: If the child cannot let I was satisfied, so I couldn\’t help but criticize and educate him. This is a subconscious motivation for parents to maintain a sense of responsibility, but it can also easily become a shackles for another person\’s growth. These irrational beliefs are buried deep in our consciousness and will break out whenever we say \”I understand these truths\”. This kind of attack is the feeling of loss of control that arises when giving up \”narcissism\”. Under the dominance of the feeling of loss of control, Just when we are about to relax our hands, we have to go back and hold on to the children again. We cannot give them the opportunity to be traumatic and \”narcissistic\”. We can only feel relieved if they are excellent, sensible, and praised by everyone. The transfer of crisis and insecurity. I remember watching a debate on whether the world we live in is safe. In fact, our psychological world is not safe enough. For example, we cannot control the weather and cannot guarantee that everyone will be safe. They all like themselves, fear that they are not good enough, worry that they cannot control the external world, etc. All these insecurities first come from the fear of not being able to get the love of parents. These unsafe stimuli can easily be transformed into the terrifying world that children will face in the future. \”If you are not good enough, you cannot have a good life.\” This is the fundamental logic behind worrying about children\’s academic performance, and this sense of crisis will make comparisons with other people\’s children become overwhelming: other people\’s children have all the talents next door. The family took the first place in the class. xxx has been able to speak two foreign languages ​​since childhood… Under the influence of insecurity, it is difficult for parents to believe in two basic facts: there is no such thing as losing at the starting line in life, because life is a journey. A long-distance race of thousands of miles; children have a healthy personalityWhen they are healthy, even if no one cares about them, they will automatically develop in the direction expected by society. Obviously, these beautiful truths are not powerful enough in front of frightened parents. To isolate a pure land for children without anxiety requires a huge amount of inner concentration. Children\’s happiness will stimulate parents\’ \”Oedipus\” plot. \”Oedipus plot\” originally originated from the ancient Greek mythology Oedipus King. As a psychological term, Oedipus plot is generally speaking of being afraid of oneself. Being punished for exceeding limited pleasures. In a conversation, a mother said: \”When other people\’s children are learning Olympiad mathematics and foreign languages, I feel that there is no use in having a happy childhood. Only by enduring hardship can one become a better person. Children must endure hardship.\” We Let’s call this concept “hardship episode”. On the surface, hardship does temporarily increase a person’s skills and knowledge, but hardship episode has serious side effects. When a person thinks that only through hardship can he achieve the achievements he wants. , will not only sacrifice the fun of learning, but also damage a person\’s instinct for happiness in the long run. The \”hardship plot\” is exactly the Oedipus plot. When a person firmly believes that happiness is useless, temporary, superficial, and cannot bring benefits, subconsciously, parents will feel that happiness will be punishment, and Children\’s happiness can also trigger Oedipal plots in parents, who are afraid of \”falling behind\” in the face of happiness. In fact, happiness is the best stimulant for exploring the world. The main emotions a person experiences early will lay the basic tone of the mood. In the long run, intellectual activities that damage happiness are a kind of self-attack, and this self-attack is likely to evolve into Aversion to intellectual activities, such as aversion to learning. Envy and Competition When parents think that playing will bring punishment, it also means that they are subconsciously jealous of their children\’s happiness. This kind of happiness is lost but not gained in the Oedipus plot. Therefore, the \”hardship plot\” is likely to It can be inherited in the parent-child relationship. Many parents I know are worried about their children\’s competitiveness. We might as well think of this as a way of expressing aggression towards their children. This kind of projection is conducive to solving their own larger subconscious fears. This fear is what they may face. The feeling of abandonment after a child becomes strong. We break down anxiety into the above parts. We can see that each part is very powerful and difficult to repair itself through cognition. So what is a good way to get rid of these anxieties? To sum up, you will find that all parenting anxiety is narcissism. It can even be said that all anxiety is narcissism. Parents were once children, and every adult will have traces of the trauma of the broken infant\’s omnipotent narcissism. When a person cannot solve real-life difficulties through narcissism, anxiety occurs. The solution is to try to satisfy the lost part of almighty narcissism through one\’s own efforts. For example, every woman has an anima and animus (ideal prototypes of men and women) in her mind. As she gets closer to her ideal self, the expectations she projects onto her children will decrease. If she lives a beautiful, successful, happy life herself, her desire to live it out through her children will diminish. Popular oneThe point is, if you are lacking something in your heart, you will be anxious about something. When we become the best versions of ourselves, we stop expecting others to realize their dreams. When there is no shortage of success, status, achievement, money, and wisdom in your heart, you will not worry about your children for this. After all, we can only give others what they already have, especially happiness and happiness, which can only be taken out when there is stock. If you want to be a non-anxious parent, the best way is to find ways to satisfy your own narcissism first, such as making yourself more toned and healthy, striving for the achievements you want, achieving self-realization, and raising yourself to be that other person. People who are proud of themselves. If one day, parents become the idols in their children\’s minds, this full vitality will become the best blessing to life.