Threatening your child with love is extremely dangerous, please be careful!

A few days ago, a friend left a message asking me to write an article about the threat of love. Because the elderly at home sometimes tell their children that if you don\’t do this, they won\’t love you. Or if the child doesn’t say hello one day, just ask the child, do you not love me anymore? Doing so makes children feel insecure. This makes it difficult for mothers. Because they are all relatives and friends, sometimes it’s hard to say anything. Moreover, we Chinese people are very concerned about face, and there are too many things that hurt our feelings if we disagree. But this kind of thing has happened to many parents. I still remember one time when I took Xiao Xiaoyu to play at a relative’s house in my hometown. There are several elders there. It took me a long time to figure out how to call it. But the old man at home asked the little one to call someone. The first time he saw it, he turned away and didn\’t scream. Grandma said, \”If you don\’t scream, grandma won\’t like you! Hurry up and scream.\” The child rushed to my side. \”It\’s his first time here, so he\’s a little nervous. He\’ll be fine after a while.\” Then I greeted the elder respectfully. Let this matter be over. Unexpectedly, after playing with it for a while. They just joked with the little guy. \”Who do you like best, your mother or your father?\” This question made the little guy confused for a while. \”I like them all!\” he replied after thinking for a moment. \”You didn\’t call me just now, do you mean you don\’t love us?\” He couldn\’t answer this question. For little ones, how to love the elders in front of them is really a question. They plan to continue questioning. I quickly took him out to look for ants. Please stop joking with me. How about we talk about something else? Sometimes, a small joke can hurt a child\’s sense of security. Many adults don\’t believe it, which is why such jokes or threats keep popping up. The adult thought it was a joke or a casual angry remark. So you will often see a group of laughing adults surrounding a child who looks embarrassed. The more embarrassed a child is, the more successful they feel. The more scared and obedient the child is, the more effective his method will be. If you were that child, think about it, how would you feel in your heart at that time? I have successfully made a child uncomfortable once, but I really don’t know what the point of doing this is. Joking with adults is a way to lighten the mood and enhance relationships. But if you do this, no parent of any child will probably like it. Because in the hearts of children, they cannot tell whether what they say to adults is a joke or whether it is true. Many jokes or threats will make children confused and even react in extreme ways. For example, some adults threaten their children: If you don\’t do your homework seriously, I won\’t love you anymore. If you don\’t obey, I won\’t want you. If you don\’t call me, I won\’t like you… Why should you put these \”price tags\” on love? There\’s also a wide variety and they\’re cheap. The love between children and parents should be very precious. Rather than relying on these things to measure. Most parents understand that children do not need to use their own behavior in exchange for their parents\’ love. But when you do this, you are telling your children. My love is conditional. You must meet my conditions before I can love you. The result of this will make the child feel insecure. Because not everything can be done well, and not everything can be satisfied and recognized by parents.. That means that you will not get the sincere and stable love of your parents. The child will not have a stable sense of security in his heart. Children always like to hear their parents say \”Baby, I love you!\” because beautiful parent-child interaction will produce secure attachment, which is the psychological nutrition that children need most in their lives. A few nights ago, Xiao Xiaoyu came to me after I finished telling a bedtime story. Tell me: \”Dad, I really want to go back to when I was very young.\” \”You are not that old now!\” \”I mean when I was 1 year old, what was I like then?\” Oh! When you were 1 year old, let me think about it! You seemed to be clenching your fists and walking unsteadily. You had to hold on to the sofa and walk slowly. At that time, you loved cars very much. Every time a car passed by, you would hug him. I would chase you to look at the window, or chase the excavator and crane at a nearby construction site, so I bought you a lot of books about dinosaurs. Later, you liked dinosaurs, and you still like them now.\” \”Why did I like it so much at that time? Cheche!\” \”Yeah! I don\’t know, you just like you very much, just like your parents have always loved you! No matter you are 1 or 6 years old, we all love you very much.\” He was reassured Fell asleep. Recently, I read the first-grade part of the book Close to Mother Tongue to little Xiaoyu. There are bedtime nursery rhymes in the front part. I sang Grandma\’s Bridge to him, and I also sang Come to Sleep, and an Austrian lullaby. It sounded full of love, \”My dear baby, Mommy loves you, Mommy likes you.\” When I sang it, I changed it to Mommy and Daddy love you, Mommy and Daddy like you. After listening to several songs, he decided to listen to this one again. I sang it to him two or three times that day, and I saw his happy expression with his eyes closed while listening. Love requires vocal practice. You can usually express your love to your children. Children are always waiting for their parents to say \”I love you.\” We should often say it instead of being too shy to say it. Parents of our previous generation found it very difficult to give their children a hug or say I love you. But when it comes to us, things should change. Learn to say love, hug often, and learn to say sorry. Children who have been threatened for a long time are more likely to feel the power of \”threat\”. They will feel that this is effective and a good thing to achieve their purpose. So you will see some children who like to say: \”If you don\’t listen to me, I won\’t like you!\” \”If you don\’t give me the toys, I won\’t play with you!\” With grandparents, many The child even grasped the importance of this weapon. It even becomes a trump card for getting rid of adults. If you don’t buy it for me, I won’t love you! If you don’t listen to me, I won’t eat! There are also many old people smiling happily to satisfy their children. I was still happy in my heart, thinking that my grandson was really smart and would say such a thing. This kind of education often teaches more selfish children. Because children will only stand in their own perspective, ask for and threaten. And cannot learn to share and be grateful. When encountering a child\’s inappropriate behavior, is there any better way besides threats? Of course there is. Let’s first distinguish between consequences and threats. For example, if your child lingers on not taking a bath, and you tell him, \”If you linger on not taking a bath, you will waste your own time, and then your bedtime story time will be gone.\” It sounds like a threat,But this is not a threat, it is a reminder of the consequences. And if the child lingers and refuses to take a bath, and you lose your temper and say, \”If you don\’t take a bath, I won\’t like you! Who told you to be so disobedient?\” This is a threat. When your child\’s behavior deviates, you can tell your child: \”I don\’t like what you do!\” \”But I won\’t say that I don\’t love you because of your behavior, because I just don\’t like your excessive behavior.\” For example, if a child hits someone, we just tell the child not to hit, and set the rule not to hit. We don\’t say any other threats. Or if your child doesn\’t do what you arranged, you just need to understand the reason why he doesn\’t do it, and then tell him how to do it. There is no need to add a threat of not loving him to push him. Parents have the responsibility to correct their children\’s wrong behaviors and concepts. So we need rules, we can just discuss the matter and don\’t use love as a weapon. Because love is an eternal and precious spiritual core. It is not a weapon to threaten children\’s obedience. That only damages love and hurts children.