If you want to change your children, change yourself first

There is a kind of child, called \”other people\’s children\”, who are obedient, sensible and polite; there is also a kind of child who is stubborn, rude and emotional, saying that East Africa should go west. These are what we call rebellious children. Children may have rebellious behavior at every stage. If parents take the right approach, the rebellious child will slowly get back on track with life; if parents take the wrong approach, the relationship with the child may deteriorate and they may develop negative feelings for each other. A lifetime of damage. The book \”Rebellion is Not the Child\’s Fault: Warm Parenting Techniques of No Hitting, No Scolding, and No Anger\” not only tells you how rebellious children\’s emotions are formed, but also provides specific and practical solutions to the behavior of rebellious children. Let parents truly see the transformation of a child. The author of this book, Jeffrey Bernstein, is a well-known American education expert, psychologist, and relationship therapy expert. He has focused on child and family counseling for more than 20 years, providing consulting services for children, young children, couples, and families. It has helped more than 1,000 children and families repair their relationships and regain a warm family life. This book is the author\’s painstaking work. It is a classic bestseller on parenting that has changed thousands of families. Many parents have changed their parenting methods because of this book, which has benefited thousands of families. It has received numerous praises from international media and is known as the best book for parents of rebellious children. The author\’s suggestions for rebellious children are practical, reasonable and practical, making this book a helpful assistant for parents. The sooner you start the author\’s ten-day plan, the sooner you will have a more peaceful and harmonious home. Now, let’s go into this book together and explore the secrets of how to change rebellious children. Understand the reasons why your child is rebellious, and understand that child psychologists study that there are several rebellious periods in children\’s growth, such as around 2 years old when they like to say \”no no no\”, 7-8 years old when they are annoying, and adolescence. The common characteristics of rebellious children are shouting, being moody, challenging the authority of adults, and easily losing control of their emotions. In fact, behind rebellion there are some psychological changes brought about by physical development, so rebellion is actually the child\’s declaration, \”You have to treat me in a different way. Pay attention to me but don\’t restrain me.\” As a parent, it is normal to have rebellious children in the family, but each child\’s degree of rebellion and the time of rebellion are different. After fully understanding rebellious children, parents need to take some positive actions to strengthen the connection with their children, such as saying \”I love you\”, hugging, giving praise and rewards, etc. At the same time, stop the negative behaviors you have done to your child, such as yelling and hitting, nagging, interrupting and sarcastic, denying your child\’s feelings, etc. If parents want to understand their rebellious child, it\’s important to truly listen. How to listen? Maintain eye contact, eliminate distractions, let your child know you are listening, and don\’t criticize. Listening allows you to truly understand your child\’s thoughts and get into their heart. In the book, when Shasha’s father asked his child “How was your day?”, Shasha said she was fine, and the father continued, “Are you just okay?” Shasha said that she was not very good at math at first and was about to go crazy, but Shasha didn’t say anything yet. After that, my father began to preach and criticize. Not only did her father rudely interrupt the conversation, but he also criticized her, failing to sense Shasha\’s bad mood. For my daughter, feeling disrespected and threatened by his father. The father did not listen in the true sense. In fact, behind the rebellion is the hope to gain attention and love. The author learned through investigation that children who slam doors, steal from stores, and refuse to go to school are just too eager to be loved and recognized by their parents, so they sometimes use some negative behaviors to cause Parents\’ attention. So, no matter how angry or distant your child may appear, never forget to let your child know how much you respect and care for him. Love and respect are the best ways to treat children. How to deal with children\’s rebellious behavior In the face of children\’s rebellious behavior, the author provides the following methods to allow parents to better understand their children and resolve their children\’s rebellious psychology. 1. Avoid falling into the trap of yelling. It is estimated that many parents have had this experience. When your child shows rebellious behavior, when your child refuses to do homework, you can’t help but feel frustrated. It makes you yell. But yelling at a rebellious child will cause him to doubt whether his parents love him, and he will become frustrated and scared, making it difficult to control his reactions and behaviors. So what to do? Get in the right mindset and avoid yelling. Parents should have a correct mentality, do not expect to see results immediately, and realize that their goal is to support their children rather than against them. The author lists some specific methods, such as becoming an active listener and letting the child express his feelings and troubles; do not humiliate the child or scold him; give the child instructions that are brief and clear; find a role model and imagine that the role model is calm, calm, Wait patiently. Being a parent is a very important job, and you should communicate with your children calmly. Yelling is counterproductive and will only increase your child\’s rebellious behavior; it is also an unhealthy way to alienate you from your child. 2. Avoid power struggles. In fact, parents and children will also compete for power. It means that you hold one attitude and your child holds the opposite attitude. Neither of you is willing to change your stance. So a war begins where you lose and I win. Parents need to learn to be calm and determined. Yaya insisted on wearing a dirty denim jacket to school, and she argued with her mother for 40 minutes at the risk of being late. Mom tried her best to be calm, but she still couldn\’t convince her. Mom is the loser in this power struggle. In another rights battle over denim the next month, the mother changed tack. He expressed his attitude and did not force his daughter\’s choice, and put forward his own opinions and suggestions. He believed that Yaya could not show her charm in wearing this dirty clothes. Yaya was stunned, apologized to her mother, and opened her heart to tell her mother that she thought others would only look good if she wore that pair of jeans. Yaya\’s parents found that the successful way to handle the situation they faced was to remain calm and determined, not lose control of their emotions, focus on the child rather than listening to her provocative behavior, and ultimately gain their daughter\’s trust. Don\’t try to control your child. No one likes to be controlled. Even if you succeed in controlling your child, you are still letting your child interact with you.You become more and more distant, destroying your parent-child relationship at the same time. For example, when faced with a child scattering toys all over the floor, the controlling way of speaking is, \”I told you to put away those toys, and do it for me now.\” The non-controlling way of speaking is, \”All the toys have not been put away yet.\” Well, I\’m very angry, and I\’m asking you to put them away. If you want, I can help you at the beginning.\” 3. Strengthen the child\’s positive transformation. Most rebellious children have self-esteem problems. Feeling happy or feeling good about themselves reduces their rebellious behavior. Therefore, it is your job as a parent to remind them to maintain good feelings and reinforce positive changes in your children. The author proposes several very practical methods. A simple way to reinforce positive behavior in a timely manner is to praise a 5-year-old child for dressing himself or a 15-year-old child for staying home late. Use rewards as an incentive for good behavior in both adults and children. When your child does something enjoyable, whether you reward their positive behavior with a smile, a compliment, or a hug, the reward will make them feel happy. The process of strengthening a child\’s future behavior by giving rewards is called positive reinforcement. It is very important to reward children, especially rebellious children, for their positive behavior, because rebellious children need more rewards. They need more rewards to offset their negative feelings about themselves. Stop Focusing on Negative Behavior When raising a rebellious child, parents tend to focus on their child\’s negative behavior. Rebellious children also understand that you only pay attention to them when they do something wrong. So your child strives to gain negative attention so that he can get a strong and immediate response from you. As a parent, if you stop paying attention to your children\’s negative behaviors, focus on your children\’s positive behaviors, and provide timely praise and positive reinforcement, you will greatly reduce your children\’s rebellion. Verbal praise is the best reward. A father said to his daughter, \”I\’m so proud of what you did this morning. You didn\’t cry or cling to your mother. You went to school well. You are such a brave girl.\” This kind of verbal praise is better than material rewards. It makes children feel more respected and loved. When praising, parents should pay attention to the details of the praise, such as sincere attitude and praising specific behaviors. At the same time, pay attention to moderate praise and never be stingy with your praise. This is the best gift for children. Parents should not expect too high. Some parents are reluctant to praise their children easily because they have too high expectations for their children. Parents often impose their own needs or unfulfilled wishes on their children, hoping that their children will grow up to be what they think they will be. 13-year-old Xiaoke deliberately broke the glass door of his home. His parents were very disappointed with him. However, when the author consulted Xiao Ke, Xiao Ke revealed his true thoughts, because his sister was very capable, and in the eyes of his parents, he was a child who could not do anything to satisfy them. After understanding their child\’s thoughts, Xiao Ke\’s parents actively made changes and adjusted their expectations for Xiao Ke. They praised Xiao Ke when he got a C in the exam. Xiao Ke was very happy. He heard thisPraise that he would never have heard before re-energized him. When a child behaves rebelliously, as parents, we need to reflect on ourselves whether we have too high expectations for our children, make timely adjustments, and give lots of praise. Sometimes we can achieve unexpected results. Effective Use of Other Rewards In addition to verbal praise, you can also provide other incentives. Reward children when they perform positive behaviors. For example, if you get a high score in a difficult course or if you don\’t fight with your brother for two weeks, you can give appropriate rewards along with verbal praise. Rewards should be given to things that the child values, such as the right to watch TV and go out with friends; unexpected and random rewards are more effective. If you find that your child takes the initiative to do homework earlier one afternoon, reward him with a new one. Play games to encourage him to continue this positive behavior; promised rewards must be honored. Whether it is positive reinforcement or these rewards, the ultimate goal is to reduce the child\’s rebellious behavior and let him know that you love him and recognize him unconditionally, and the child will work hard to change. 4. Rely on discipline Reliable discipline can help your child learn from mistakes so that he can make wise choices in the future. Discipline is used to teach and support children, not as a way to gain control. Reliable discipline is caring and understanding. The more you understand your child\’s inappropriate behavior, the more effectively you can use discipline to restrain him. Nine-year-old Lei Lei felt neglected and neglected because her mother had a new job and was very busy. Lei Lei, who has a bit of a rebellious streak, messed up her mother\’s information and deliberately threw it away in order to attract her mother\’s attention. If the mother doesn\’t understand Lei Lei\’s thoughts, she will yell to make Lei Lei more rebellious. On the contrary, after the mother understands the child\’s inner feelings, she will discipline the child out of love and tell the child that the mother loves him very much, but doesn\’t like him. Such behavior will be easily accepted by children. Be careful with the consequences punishment method. The most commonly used method of punishment in discipline is the consequences method. Let children learn to bear the punishment they receive for violating discipline. But for rebellious children, especially don’t use consequence punishment frequently. Because rebellious children are generally less likely to show repentance, they will direct their anger at the person who punishes them with consequences and makes them suffer, which is you. This will only aggravate their rebellious behavior. Use meaningful consequences. For example, if your child refuses to eat lunch, he will feel hungry afterwards. But it was still early for dinner, so he had to endure hunger. These are the natural consequences. Tips for Effective Discipline Set discipline and lead by example as a parent; Don’t have too many rules; Involve your children when setting family rules; Help your children understand rules and their consequences; Deal with them privately; Tell your children that what you don’t like is their behavior and that you love it It\’s them who they are. Discipline is different from punishment. Discipline is to let children understand the rules and know to take responsibility for themselves. But many parents confuse discipline with punishment. When children violate discipline, use punishment to discipline them. For example, \”If you don\’t finish dinner, you won\’t be able to go out to play for a month\” or even use violence to punish the child. This may achieve quick results but be harmful in the long run. To avoid punishing childrenThey will do what you ask, but they will do whatever they want when no one is supervising them. Try the effective discipline strategies proposed by the author, and maybe your children will change differently. Obtain support from family and school to reduce rebellious behavior in the long term. Although changing parents themselves is the key to changing rebellious children, we also need to obtain support from family and school. Family members taking care of each other and providing support to rebellious children will help the rebellious children change. When siblings see that the rebellious child\’s changes will also bring benefits to themselves, they will support and help their parents to change the status quo. Organizing more family gatherings and reminiscing about good times with children will help rebellious children be accepted and listened to. Rebellious children will be more tolerant and less rebellious, and families will be more harmonious. If you have made a huge difference in understanding your child in a new and enlightened way at home, you will need the cooperation of the teacher if your child becomes rebellious at school. Some children\’s rebellious behavior is related to their teachers. The teacher\’s teaching style and methods will intensify or reduce the children\’s rebellious behavior in school. For example, if a teacher is too strict, it may hurt a child\’s self-esteem and lead to rebellious behavior. If you support the work of the school and don\’t just complain. Teachers are generally open to working with you to help your child. In the process of parents trying to help their children, the child\’s rebellious behavior may also recur, and parents may lose patience. Parents need to be mentally prepared, do not panic, keep moving forward, reflect on their own behavior in a timely manner, maintain a positive attitude, and stay calm. , determined and non-controlling. To help rebellious children, parents are participants, not instructors. Maintaining friendly and respectful behaviors, maintaining ideological harmony with children, and letting children feel love and strength are the lifelong lessons of parents. Rebellious children are not terrible. No child is born rebellious. When he becomes rebellious, his parents will immediately get angry, beat and scold them, and feel powerless; but they do not think about it, should they learn? Educate others first and educate yourself first. Parents must understand that under the child\’s rebellious appearance, there is a heart that longs for the respect and love of their parents. When a child\’s sense of freedom begins to awaken, rebellion begins. As parents, we should thank our children for their rebellion. It is precisely because of these unacceptable behaviors that we can reflect on ourselves and see how annoying the parents who yell are from their children, and how annoying they are when we see the parents who sincerely praise their children. What a joy to be a parent. When we change, our children will also quietly change. Ye Shengtao said, \”Give the most beautiful smile to every child, and he will grow up naturally.\” To make the process of children growing up more beautiful, we need to work hard as parents to make changes and be kite-flying parents. There is the sky in my heart, a goal in my eyes, a sense of proportion in my hands, and the ground under my feet. Treat children\’s mistakes and failures as experiences and opportunities for growth, and be sincerely proud of your children\’s small successes. Only by changing ourselves can we help our children live more comfortably in this world.