Why do children like to play devil’s advocate?

What should we do if our children always like to play devil’s advocate? A mother in Jiangsu, because her child did not want to clean up his desk after attending online classes, angrily threw his books all over the room and asked her child to clean up immediately and \”stop the loss in time\”. But the child protested and said plausibly: I am only in the second grade and I don’t understand some words! But I know that bamboo shoots are edible! The complete collection of audio novels Xiao Lu tells stories [Chinese history + world history + stories of great men + Taiwan history] Whether the children really don’t understand, or whether they are deliberately angry with their parents, this is a question. On the way to raising a child, I can always hear parents complaining, telling their child to go east, but he must face the west. Why do children always like to play devil’s advocate? To play devil’s advocate, there is a famous “white bear experiment” in the psychology of children’s internal drive. Psychologists gave participants a task: Don\’t think about a polar bear. As a result, the subject quickly imagined an image of a white bear in his mind, and continued to think of the white bear for the next few minutes. The more I asked not to think about it, the more the white bear lingered in my mind. The \”white bear experiment\” tells us: excessive prohibition of behavior is sometimes a reminder of attention. The brain\’s thinking is so rigid! This is easy to understand. The more parents ask their children to play less with mobile phones and do their homework quickly, the more procrastinating their children will be. The more the wife asks her husband to go home to do housework and take care of the children, the more the husband pretends to be deaf and dumb. In the eyes of children and husband, \”being asked\” is also a kind of oppression of dignity. Only by \”confronting\” and \”singing the opposite tune\” can one reflect his own sense of existence and experience the joy of independence. This also means that everyone has their own will and it is human nature not to want to be controlled. Before the age of 3, children rely on their parents, and parents control their children. A balanced relationship is formed between dependence and control. As the child\’s cognition, speech, and mobility improve, the child has the internal drive for self-development, and at the same time, the parents also feel the \”crisis.\” When children use \”singing devil\’s advocate\” to resist their parents\’ control, they are trying to maintain their self-awareness and master their independent rights to activities. Instead of threatening their children, \”If you don\’t collect the toys, don\’t eat the fruit,\” parents might as well guide them this way: \”If you want to eat the fruit, put away the toys first.\” Instead of saying \”Don\’t go out to play until you finish your homework,\” you might as well say \”After finishing the homework assigned today, let\’s play together for a while.\” Parents should avoid saying \”no\”, \”don\’t\” and other similar conditional words. Reduce children\’s desire to \”sing the opposite tune\”. Playing devil’s advocate is an outlet for children’s emotions. Of course, not all playing devil’s advocate is a growth need, sometimes it’s just a child’s need to feel. There is a post on Zhihu: You know your parents will be sad, why do you still go against them? One netizen had a profound experience. To the kid, he just stood up for what was right. Especially when he wants to accomplish something independently, his parents\’ interference means dictating and controlling him. But even if he failed later, in order to defend his dignity, he still had to argue unreasonably, not to mention the parents\’ preaching attitude, which was so infuriating. In fact, all arguments are based on our too strong belief in \”I am right and you are wrong\”, whether parents or children. However, teenagers have the cognitive characteristic of \”unique self\”. They regard self-experience as the center of the world and do not understand the differences between people\’s feelings.Same and different opinions. When parents and children disagree, it is a declaration of independence war for the children. For the sake of freedom and sovereignty, playing devil\’s advocate is the only thing they can do. A mother once complained that after giving birth to her second child, her sweet and sensible eldest child became evil. She put the second child to sleep, and the eldest child yelled deliberately. No matter how she scolded her, the boss always smiled. Because, in the child\’s awareness, when the mother does not pay enough attention to him and creates chaos, he can get attention. Playing devil\’s advocate is just an expression of the child\’s desire. Once a child tastes the sweetness of \”singing the opposite tune\”, the child who longs for attention and recognition will feel very bitter inside. Another netizen said that for some reason, the more pressure you have at work, the more you want to stand up to your parents when you go home. A person\’s experience of frustration can lead to a rapid decline in self-esteem and self-worth. In order to prevent this painful feeling, children with weak hearts will choose strong emotional experiences such as \”singing the opposite tune\” to gain a sense of strength. If parents can be keenly aware of their children\’s cry for help, we can ignore the \”offense\” and actively help their children regain their self-confidence. Playing ball, running, and swimming are all good ways to regulate emotions. Children can also recognize what positive emotional expression is during exercise. The natural emotional connection between parents and children \”together\” is itself the most healing force. Parents are most afraid of falling into the \”emotional trap\” of their children. CCTV once broadcast a documentary \”Mirror\”. In the film, there is a child named Jiaming. When he wants to play, his father will say: The most important thing for you now is to study. When he plays football, his father will criticize: How far your grades have fallen. When he wanted to apply for a major he liked, his father directly denied it: the prospects are not good, and it doesn’t matter if he likes it, so he must listen to me. From the father\’s point of view, he is just teaching his children the principles of life, hoping that they will live a better life than himself. But for Jiaming, this kind of \”for your own good\” means invisible manipulation. In order to be independent and free, he chose to do the opposite. The more his parents wanted him to do something, the less he would do it. In the end, he didn\’t even go to high school, dropped out of school and stayed at home, causing trouble and even self-mutilation. He used a decisive method to fight for the control of life and refused to live the life arranged by his parents. But unfortunately, all this tug-of-war was regarded by my father as \”rebellion and rebellion.\” The father did not see the desire of the child, only a rebellious son, which made his life despair. If we often fall into each other’s emotional traps during parent-child conflicts, then the parent-child relationship is destined to become enemies. Some worries, just assuming why parents can\’t tolerate their children to rebel? In the psychological counseling room, a father confided. Ask the counselor: Why do we have to make our children obedient? Answer to Father: Making him obedient is to prevent him from… suffering losses in the future. Ask the counselor: Is this bound to happen? Answer The father hesitated: No child can make decisions on his own. Because he took a path arranged by his parents, he was educated in this way, and he was familiar with this path, so the father should also pave the way for his children. Does taking other paths necessarily portend danger? The danger is nothing but the fear brought about by the father\’s lack of control over his unplanned life. HeartThere is a term in Neo-Confucianism called \”catastrophic thinking\”, which has a familiar sentence pattern: What if…? Preset things in your mind that have never happened, and then imagine the worst possible outcome. Its harm is that it is easy to overreact emotionally, and people in an irrational state cannot look at problems calmly. In fact, the child\’s current \”naysaying\” does not have a qualitative relationship with the future. Children grow up slowly, and their emotional management abilities are gradually developed as they grow. As parents, don’t worry about why your children are “singing the opposite”, but set an example of “effective communication”. Treat parent-child conflicts as social exercises for children, explore with them, speak well to each other, and learn emotional management. With such an interpretation of \”singing the devil\’s advocate\”, parents will no longer be anxious. Developmental psychologist Lawrence Steinberg once said: If you believe that your child is rebellious, the child will definitely be rebellious. Interpretation is the key to establishing the hypothesis. The best way to solve \”naysaying\” is not to define it, but to face it. As parents, we might as well clarify our thinking this way. 1. It may be difficult to accept the fact that your child \”sings the opposite tune\”, but as your child grows up, his or her autonomy must be based on self-awareness. Children who obey their parents unconditionally when they were young are unlikely to become ambitious when they grow up. Only by accepting their children\’s \”naysaying\” and facing their children\’s dissent can parents be less angry and more proactive in solving problems. 2. Only solve what happened and don’t label people. The host Patty Hou shared her parenting experience. When she asked her child to eat cleanly, her son asked, \”Why should I listen to you?\” She did not get angry, but explained calmly: As a mother, I have the responsibility to tell you what I know, just like this bowl of soup is very hot. , you may not know that I told you not to touch it because I was worried that you would get burned, and I would also feel bad for you. When parent-child conflicts emerge, parents do not judge whether their children are good or bad, or make strong demands, but just express their own feelings. This kind of comfortable care makes it easier for children to accept our kindness. 3. Instead of blocking, it’s better to accompany him. I once read a story where his son wanted to help his classmates fight in a group fight. His father knew he couldn’t stop him, so he suggested: It’s too tiring to take the bus, so I’ll drive you there. Along the way, the father calmly and earnestly persuaded the child to gradually understand the dangers of fighting in groups, but the child was not so persistent. Let children see their immaturity clearly, not by stopping but by supporting. Accompanying your child to do what he thinks is \”right\” is in itself a form of superb protection. Only when we are involved can we have the opportunity to guide our children to see right from wrong. This not only maintains his self-esteem, but also wins trust and respect for ourselves. 4. Let your children know \”I love you\” at any time. American psychologist Daniel Siegel once said: Children will behave better only if they feel good. It\’s not that there can\’t be conflicts between parents and children, but even if they quarrel, it won\’t affect the family\’s love for each other. We can calm each other down, but we don’t have to be violent. We can express opposition without attacking the threat. We don\’t have to express our opinions, but we don\’t have to add insult to injury. If you can do this, your children will not become bad no matter how much they rebel. No matter how angry your parents are,Won\’t hurt. Parent-child love does not ask who you are, just because you are you. Because it is great, selfless and sincere, nothing can stop it, so why should we be upset?