The \”naughty child\” stayed at home for two months, which tortured me to the point of depression, but also made me re-recognize myself.

The official account has not been updated for more than a month. The reason is three words – tired! Friends who have experienced raising two children by one person may understand that the tiredness of raising a baby cannot be relieved by sleeping or going shopping to buy some clothes. It is the kind of exhaustion caused by the crying and fussing of the baby 24 hours a day. The days when you are overwhelmed by clinginess and endless demands for companionship are sometimes like a sharp sword, splitting you into pieces, sometimes like a black hole, swallowing you up mercilessly. My brother, Xiaobei, who is almost one year old, is in a period of severe separation anxiety. He immediately bursts into tears when he turns around and doesn\’t see his mother. Many times, I have to hold him with one hand while cooking, eating, sweeping the floor, wiping the table, and even squatting on the toilet with the other hand. When he first learned to walk, he was extremely curious about everything. He would touch and touch everything he saw. He even had to climb on the sofa and the table to reach things. He couldn\’t hold them at all, and he would bump into them without paying attention. He fell down or fell down, so I needed to keep an eye on him. The six-year-old brother Rooney has been staying at home to rest (dao) since he was infected with influenza on New Year\’s Day and then rotavirus. For two months in a row, facing two babies with high needs every day from morning to night was an unprecedented challenge for me. I really wished I had the ability to separate myself. The most common scenes at home at that time were: my younger brother was sleepy and fussy, and my elder brother asked me to play games with him, or I just took out a book to read to my elder brother, but my younger brother suddenly woke up crying, or I coaxed my younger brother. I also fell asleep when I was sleeping, but my brother forced me to get up and play with me… When the weather was good, we could take the two children out to eat, drink and have fun. However, during those days, it was cold and windy and rainy every day. Can stay at home. In those weeks, I had to argue with Rooney several times almost every day. Now that I think about it, it’s just trivial things. For example, Rooney wanted to watch one more episode of animation but I wouldn’t let him. He didn’t want to practice the piano. When I was putting my brother to sleep, Rooney took the iPad and asked me to enter the password, and asked him to read a book. But I was lying lazily on the sofa motionless… But at that time, I was extremely irritable and anxious, especially when Rooney started yelling and chattering when he disagreed with me, the anger in my heart kept going. It rises up and finally gushes out. The result of the quarrel was of course a lose-lose situation. Rooney became more and more grumpy and lazy. The more I tried to get rid of this state, the more anxious I became, the more dissatisfied and picky I became with Rooney. At the same time, I couldn’t change it for the time being. This state creates a deep sense of frustration and powerlessness. Such a state forms a vicious cycle: quarrel – express dissatisfaction with the child – the child finds trouble and loses his temper – becomes more dissatisfied with the child – the child breaks the rules and challenges your limits again and again – quarrels again – I became more and more dissatisfied with the child… When the argument was at its most intense, I really wanted to slap him hard in the face to make him stop shouting immediately, and from the way he stared at me fiercely, I felt that he also had the same impulse. At that moment, I really wished he wasn\’t my son, and he angrily said he didn\’t want me as his mother. In the eyes of others and on the Internet, I tried my best to play the perfect mother. I thought I was doing a good job, but with Rooney, I tried my best to play the perfect mother.After two months of being together 24 hours a day, this veil of hypocrisy was gradually lifted, and I discovered: I am just an ordinary mother. I will also get angry with my children because of trivial things, and I will also be angry with my children. I would go crazy, and I would not be able to cope with the sudden changes in my child. I would also have a deep sense of frustration, guilt, and powerlessness. Every night, lying in bed, I feel like a deflated rubber ball. I feel so exhausted and don’t want to do anything. I just think over and over again: Why is this happening? The child is only six years old, can I no longer control him? What should I do if I reach puberty? Why should a failed mother like me write parenting articles? I’ve read so many books and written so many articles, but why can’t I teach my children well? Can you blame a child for being born with a bad temper? In him, I clearly see the shadow of his father and me. When I quarreled, the tone, expression and eyes were exactly the same as when I quarreled with his father. The way he makes excuses to shirk responsibility when he does something wrong is so like me. The way he looks like his dad while lying lazily on the sofa scrolling through my phone. Japanese designer Yohji Yamamoto said: You are invisible as a thing. Only when you bump into something else and bounce back can you understand \”yourself\”. Now, the child is that wall. I hit it and bounced back, and then I got to know myself again. In other words, the child is like a mirror for me. In the child, I see all my weaknesses and unbearableness. . I gradually understood that all my dissatisfaction with my children, my husband, and even other people stemmed from my dissatisfaction with myself, and I was just projecting it onto others. Therefore, rather than accepting your children, it is better to accept yourself first. However, how difficult it is to accept the anxious, selfish, lazy, irresponsible, and bad-tempered self. what should I do? I was confused again. I turn on the computer every day and want to write something, but my mind is in chaos. I don’t want to rack my brains to search for information and write complaints and chicken soup articles that may be highly read, because they seem to be entertaining but have no actual meaning; nor do I want to I don’t want to comment on other people’s parenting styles or give any advice, because I find that what I see is the surface after all. There are too many subjective and objective factors behind a child’s bad behavior. I can’t just blame the parents, nor can I just blame them. The child argued. When I opened this official account and named it Seeds of Happiness, my original intention was to promote parent-child reading so that more parents could accompany their children to do parent-child reading and sow the seeds of a love for reading in their children, leading them to happiness. the road. And for a period of time last year, I seemed to have gone astray. Because of an unexpected article with more than 1 million views, the number of readers following this account suddenly increased, which made me panic and guilty. In order to retain readers, I began to chase hot topics and spend money. I spend a lot of time and energy, even when eating and spending time with my children, I look at my mobile phone, listen to audio, and write some articles that can obviously increase reading, but I neglect to accompany my children attentively, and ignore their growth and changes. . Now, the relationship with my children has become more tense than ever, and my life is in a mess. Even if I write another article with 1 million+ views,What’s the point of reading a lot of articles? Looking back now, during those rainy days, I may have suffered from depression again. I felt like I was in a thick fog. I waved my hands and opened my eyes hard, but I couldn\’t see any direction clearly and couldn\’t find anything. Exit, living in anxiety, impatience, despair, powerlessness and pain every day, has also developed serious doubts and self-denial about himself. But this time, I didn’t escape, and I couldn’t escape. There are two children who need you all the time. Where can I escape? I can only face it bravely. A friend said to me, you have to peel away the layers of fog to find your true self. This sentence seemed to ignite a light in the darkness for me, and I saw the direction I was looking for: exploring my true self. It is said that when raising children, you must first educate yourself. Only by knowing yourself, accepting yourself, and changing yourself can you raise your children well. On Zhihu, netizen skiptomylou responded to the question \”Why do you regret not knowing it earlier?\” He said: The most important thing in life is how to clearly understand yourself. Who am I, what is my personality, what are my strengths and weaknesses, what am I suitable for, what kind of lifestyle do I like or dislike. This is also the biggest shortcoming of our current education system. Cruel social pressure forces us to obtain social resources by copying the so-called path to success, while completely ignoring people\’s inner kinetic energy which is the fundamental factor that determines your position. These things will ultimately determine what you are willing to fight for, your enthusiasm and sense of responsibility for a career, ultimately determine what position you feel comfortable placing yourself in, and ultimately determine the meaning of your life. The most important thing is that the answers to these questions are very complicated and may not be immediately available. The answers to these questions are constantly changing. These questions require you to compare yourself and the world, to constantly ask, and constantly ask. The ground is shaped by questioning. This takes a long time, and there will be a lot of iterations. You will not know yourself, and you will constantly re-know yourself. Yes, the process of knowing yourself is so difficult. It may take you a lifetime, or you may not be able to truly know yourself in your lifetime. All you have to do is start searching and keep searching. However, the world is full of noise, information is complex, and we want too much, so most of us are blinded and run forward desperately, with the burden getting heavier and heavier, but forget to stop and look at the present moment. scenery. To know yourself, you have to peel away these layers of fog. The first step is to make subtractions in life and let go of all desires that are temporarily inconsistent with my abilities. For me, it means letting go of writing on public accounts that cater to readers and giving up the idea of ​​being a perfect mother, so I decided to stop updating for a while. Try to calm down first, focus on the present, enjoy the present, and re-establish a close relationship with your child. No longer read articles when eating, but chew slowly and taste the food carefully; no longer listen to the audio when brushing teeth, smile at yourself in the mirror with a mouthful of foam, and carefully feel the feeling of friction between the toothbrush and teeth; accompany your children I no longer look at my mobile phone when I am young, but treat myself as a child, spend time with my child crazy, recognizeI really felt the various emotions at that time… In the last few days of the winter vacation, Rooney fell in love with riding a bicycle. At first, I held Xiaobei and watched him ride in the community. Later, the community gradually couldn\’t satisfy him, he said. I wanted to ride the green track. If I had agreed to it before, I would rather stay at home and play games with him. But this time, without saying a word, I immediately picked up the strap, carried Xiaobei, and borrowed a Mobike. , accompany him to ride the greenway. For several days in a row, we started from home, passed through intersection after intersection, passed through the park, and rode to the shopping mall 5 kilometers away, where we ate ice cream and dumplings, and then spent an hour or two riding slowly home. We chatted happily while riding, and gradually regained the long-lost sense of intimacy. I noticed that the gloom on my face gradually dissipated, and more and more smiles began to appear at the corners of my mouth. My eyes looking at Rooney became softer and softer. What was even more amazing was that the original sensible and considerate Rooney was also back. Seeing me smiling at him, he responded with a shy smile, and often asked me in a concerned tone whether I was tired, thirsty, or if I wanted to rest. When we disagree, he is no longer so stubborn, but will discuss it with me and respect my opinions. When I make requests to him, he mostly accepts them readily and no longer blindly opposes me. Accompanying Xiaobei attentively, I also discovered many details that I had not noticed before. It turns out that a small piece of paper, cigarette butts, and pebbles on the ground can make Xiaobei excited. It turns out that Xiaobei\’s soft and waxy body lies on the ground. The feeling of sucking milk in my arms is so good. Sometimes I really want to breastfeed him for the rest of my life. I can still clearly feel the milk flowing into his mouth… When I calm down, I am even noisy. I heard the cheerful chirping of birds amidst the sound of cars, felt the spring breeze gently brushing my cheeks and ankles, and smelled the fragrance of early spring flowers floating in the air… Just like that, the fog in front of my eyes dispersed little by little, and the front The path seemed to gradually become clearer, and I found the meaning of my writing, which was to reflect on my own life, analyze myself, and understand myself. Cai Chongda, the author of \”Skin\”, said that writing in the face of oneself is like a surgeon, cutting the scalpel towards oneself. When writing about others, I can simulate the pain of the subject, but in the end I don’t have to bear it. When writing about myself, the pain of every stroke and every cut can be directly and completely conveyed to my heart through every word I type. Writing that cuts open the skin of oneself one by one and goes straight to the soul is undoubtedly painful, but only this kind of writing can allow us to see ourselves as much as possible and discover the questions hidden in life that we always have to answer. We all live in the same world, yet we live in different worlds because we understand the world so differently. But the nature of human beings is so similar. If by chance, you have experienced or experienced experiences and feelings similar to mine, then we will definitely have something in common. In the end, you will also see yourself through my words. At that moment, we met.