What to do if a child is born timid

What is it like to have a \”timid\” child? Seeing other children playing together, he wants to play but dare not go there; other children are very active in raising their hands in class, but he does not even dare to speak in public; he wants to hide when he sees a stranger, not to mention saying hello, even making eye contact. Don’t dare; when others snatch things from their hands, they will only cry and dare not resist; they are afraid of sleeping, eating, and going to the toilet alone, and always need someone to accompany them when doing anything; … \”Yes! My child is so timid! \”You say it,\” she said, many mothers said worriedly. Are children who are afraid of this and that really timid? How should parents accompany such children to grow up? Let\’s have a good chat today. Feeling \”scared\” ≠ I am \”timid\”. I didn\’t understand it before, and always regarded a child\’s fear as timid. But in fact, being fearful does not mean being timid. Research shows that 43% of children aged 6 to 12 years have experienced fear. [1] For example, they are afraid of the dark, thunder, being alone, noise, caterpillars, and large dogs. Some children are also afraid of water, hair washing, and the sound of the toilet flushing. Even some adults are still afraid of sleeping alone, while some strong men, who look tall and tall, will be frightened by cockroaches and caterpillars and howl, and their beauty will turn pale. Download all 50 episodes of the cartoon Dennis and Gnasher. Fear is a problem that everyone may face in their lives and at different stages. The specific content of fear present at a certain age, as well as the intensity of fear, depends on each person\’s learning and experience process. Just like some children, they were not afraid of the dark before they were 2 years old, but suddenly they became afraid of walking at night, afraid of rooms without lights, and afraid of all dark corners. I once tried to take my son Xiaozheng to play a mirror maze. When he was more than 2 years old, I led him into it. He found the mirrors reflecting in all directions fresh and interesting, and he laughed all the way. But when I was 6 years old, I went in by myself. I hit the wall several times and couldn\’t get out. I was so scared that I cried loudly. I even had nightmares at night when I came back. This is because children\’s fear of things also comes in stages. It is said that newborn calves are not afraid of tigers, and the younger the child, the more courageous they are. Because they \”don\’t know the true face of Mount Lu\”, they act boldly and their strong curiosity makes them want to touch everything. But when a child has been frightened, burned, thrown, or yelled at by an adult, fear will arise spontaneously. At this time, if you let them try again, they will shrink back, be afraid, and resist. Because the self-protection consciousness in the brain will jump out and tell them, \”Be careful, it may be dangerous.\” In addition, innate personality will also affect everyone\’s attitude towards strange things. For example, when you wonder why your child is particularly resistant to going to a new place, it may be that he is really afraid and shrinking, but it may also be an introverted child\’s way of dealing with problems. They seem to be cautious and hesitant, because they have a cautious personality and need to confirm the safety of the environment and their inner feelings before considering whether to accept and enter. My eldest son is a highly sensitive person. When he first entered kindergarten, he basically didn’t communicate much with teachers and children in the first month. He always hid in the corner and played quietly by himself. The teacher’s evaluation at that time was\”He is timid and afraid of strangers.\” But I know very well that he is not \”fearful\”, but \”observant\”. Observe the new environment he has entered, and the new teachers and classmates who have broken into his world. What I need to do is to wait patiently until he feels safe and comfortable, and he will naturally integrate into it. Sure enough, a month later, he began to open up and communicate with us after school every day, including new friends, games played in the garden, and new children\’s songs taught by the teacher. The \”coward\” in the teacher\’s words began to become more and more generous. So, when your children say \”I\’m afraid,\” don\’t rush to label them as \”timid.\” Because fear is an inevitable part of the growth process, fear will dissipate with age and cognition, but the label attached may leave indelible damage. 1 in 5 children has \”child anxiety\”. Fear does not mean timidity, but excessive fear can cause anxiety and affect life. When a child appears to be excessively timid and afraid of getting into trouble, it may be due to \”child anxiety\”. Anne Marie Albano, an expert on anxiety disorders in adolescents and children at Columbia University, lists four typical symptoms of \”child anxiety\” in the book \”You and Your Anxious Child\”: [2] 1. Fear that manifests immediately Reaction When dealing with something that worries you, your first reaction after hearing the news is to be scared and want to run away. For example, when some children hear that they are going to get an injection, they cry as a sign of respect before seeing the doctor. 2. Exceeding the actual situation, overreacting with an overly strong fear reaction, and the degree of fear is disproportionate to the threat caused by the actual situation. For example, she is anxious about entering kindergarten. Before she even leaves the house, she is already hugging her mother\’s lap, crying and resisting strongly, as if going to school is a catastrophe of torture. 3. The real situation is not dangerous. The child excessively subjectively imagines a trivial matter that seems ordinary to others, but the child thinks that the sky is falling and collapses. For example, when I wake up from a nap, I think I will be late, I am afraid of being punished by the teacher, I cry loudly at home, and I dare not go to school. 4. Overly excited and difficult to appease, like a frightened bird. The slightest disturbance will make him uneasy, and even the slightest fright will make him uneasy. For example, some children may be frightened by the sudden sound of firecrackers in their sleep. They may cry a few times and be comforted a little. But some children can cry until they are out of breath, huddle in your arms all night, and never fall asleep again. It even leaves a shadow and shivers when it hears the sound of similar firecrackers. Research by Professor Anne Marie Albano found that 1 in 5 children is suffering from anxiety disorders. [2] Although it sounds scary, it is actually a very common psychological condition in childhood. It is the result of a mixture of factors such as genetics, family and environment. She pointed out that \”fear\” can make people alert and escape the danger they are facing right now, while \”anxiety\” is a longer-term protection mechanism. Because only when a child\’s brain develops to a certain level and can understand the concept of \”future\” and can reason and imagine possibilities that have not yet happened, will the child feel anxious. In a positive sense, fearThe changes reflect the development of children\’s thinking. When faced with children who are overly cautious and prone to panic, parents are the most important guides. What we need to do is not to help them avoid \”unknown dangers\”. On the contrary, we need to help them \”face the dangers\” and find a balance among the contradictions between control and loss of control, safety and fear, stability and possibility. How to de-stress your child’s “over-alarm” brain? Our brain is very magical. When encountering danger, it will have a complex protection mechanism to keep you away from the threat and not harmed. But if the alarm in the brain is too sensitive, highly concerned about subtle stimuli, and processes external information too deeply, it is easy for the body and mind to be overwhelmed and fall into excessive panic and anxiety. When adults are afraid, they know how to deal with it; when children are afraid, they don\’t understand, so they become more afraid. Many psychologists and brain researchers have used different experiments and data to prove that children are more capable of feeling anxiety and stress, but their ability to withstand stress and their \”repair power\” are far less than adults. [3] Professor Qin Shaozheng of Beijing Normal University found through experiments that children experiencing more stress and anxiety will lead to abnormal development of emotion-related neural networks, which will then affect subsequent brain development. At the same time, the experiment also pointed out that parents\’ positive social support or the adoption of more positive parenting methods can reduce the amygdala excitement level when children face negative emotional processing, and learn to use more positive and effective ways to regulate emotions. [4] So how can we help children’s “over-alert” brains to turn off the fire and lower their blood pressure? 1. Stop overprotecting and pampering. Children are afraid of falling when climbing high, choking when drinking water, being afraid of being smashed when picking up things. Children are afraid of being crawled on the ground because they are dirty, children are not allowed to play on slides because they are afraid of bumps, and they are afraid of being infected by bacteria outside. Let him play with other children… This is the cautious attitude that many families take towards their beloved children. Children are not born timid. It is often the parents who are startled and overly exaggerated in handling the situation, which invisibly creates pressure and causes psychological stress in the child. The child gradually becomes timid under your threatening tone, but you label him a \”coward\”. The tighter the control, the more children will deepen their fear of the outside world, increase their dependence on their parents, and become timid, overly disciplined, and lacking in self-confidence. Because children have limited cognitive abilities, they sometimes believe them to be true and have a strong fear of these unfounded things. Letting go won\’t put your child in danger, but not letting go will. 2. Identify fear, raise questions, and reduce anxiety. The unknown is the most frightening, and sensitive children are more likely to have random thoughts about the unknown and amplify the danger. Therefore, teaching children to recognize fear is the first step. It\’s not just shouting \”I\’m afraid\” and shrinking back anxiously. It’s about knowing what “scares me” right now. For example, \”The first time I learned to swim, my heart beat faster when I went into the water.\” Then, I questioned my fear – \”Am I afraid of going into the water, or am I afraid of drowning?\” I made it clear in my heart that I was not afraid of water; Being in the water makes me feel insecure. I am afraid that I cannot swim and may drown at any time. Parents can wait for an opportunity and ask: \”Look at so many people in the water.Those who can\’t swim, have any of them drowned? ”, “What factors occur that lead to drowning? \”, \”In case of drowning, there are lifeguards on the shore, coaches in the water, and we are around you. Will we help you as soon as possible? \”Through many conversations, the child\’s fear of swimming can be transformed from abstract to concrete, and then the methods to eliminate the fear can be concretely engraved in his mind to defeat his fear and resolve his anxiety bit by bit. When the child can sense Learn to question the reasons for your fears, and many unrealistic concerns will disappear. 3. Increase positive experiences and gradually overcome anxiety. There is an Oscar-winning short film \”The Little Sandpiper\”, which is warm and meaningful, with detailed details. It touched thousands of parents. The baby snipe was afraid of the waves and did not dare to hunt for food on its own. But when it opened its mouth to ask for food from its mother, the mother snipe nudged the baby out over and over again to teach it how to peck for food on its own. The baby snipe approached the seaside for the first time and was beaten to death by the wind and waves. The mother snipe comforted her gently. But afterwards, she still pushed it out over and over again so that it could learn how to gradually fill up its wings in the wind and waves. Because the mother snipe knew that she could not block all the dangers for her child. Wind and waves, so I would rather let the child exercise and encourage the child to survive in the wind and waves! And when the baby snipe successfully overcomes the fear of waves and catches its first food, the positive experience brought about by the success makes it no longer afraid. No matter how hard the mother helps, she can go out bravely. Therefore, instead of saying \”don\’t be afraid\” a thousand times, the process of continuously accumulating positive experiences can help children develop a sense of control, overcome the fear caused by the unknown, and eliminate anxiety. . When faced with children who are timid and dare not come forward, the unconditional love of parents is the panacea for healing children. With the blessing of love, there is nothing to be afraid of.