We don’t want to fight but can’t help ourselves and feel guilty after the fight. What’s wrong with us?

On the day when her son turned three years and five months old, Xiaolan spanked her son for the first time. When she was pregnant, Xiaolan discussed with her husband that the child\’s education should be based on reasoning and try not to be violent. However, Xiaolan still couldn\’t hold it back. Xiaolan\’s family lives on the 15th floor. For her son\’s safety, they have installed protective screens. Every time his son approaches the window, Xiaolan will tell him that it is dangerous and demonstrate to him the terrible consequences of eggs falling from the dining table. But my son always refused to listen and liked to play by the window. Sometimes he would lean his whole body against the glass or stick his head out. One day, when Xiao Lan returned to the bedroom after washing the dishes, her son was playing on the bay window sill again. \”Son, no, it\’s dangerous!\” The only reply was a grimace, and the son\’s hand was still pulling the handle hard, trying to open the window. Two slaps hit his son\’s buttocks. The son was stunned and looked at Xiaolan with a surprised look on his face. There were tears in his eyes. Xiaolan was also stunned. Didn\’t he say that he would not spank children? Why did you do it? So, I saw Xiaolan’s struggle in the mother’s group: he didn’t listen after being told so many times, but two slaps had an effect. But I promised not to spank my child, and now I spank my child again. Should I spank my child? Seeing Xiaolan\’s question, I also feel the same way as I also have a son who is a troublemaker. As the child grows up, his original belief in not spanking him is challenged by him day by day. The room that has just been tidied up becomes a mess in a while; He plays with toys and doesn\’t sleep until late; he comes to make trouble when I\’m at work… Even my husband sometimes says, \”It\’s just because I didn\’t spank him. He looks so ugly.\” To spank or not to spank is a tangled matter. In the mothers’ group, everyone’s responses were divided: “What a big deal. We were all spanked when we were children, and we haven’t seen anyone with a psychological disorder!” “We shouldn’t spank.” He is still so young, it’s useless to hit him.” “In special circumstances, it’s good to give him a beating to teach him a lesson.” “I don’t want to hit him, but I still have to do it when he gets angry!”… There are no parents. We like to spank children, and spanking is often the last resort when children don\’t listen to advice and we are at our wits\’ end. \”I just hit my daughter, and now she looks at me timidly. I feel really uncomfortable.\” Not long after I gave birth to my son, my best friend complained to me about how disobedient my daughter was, and at the same time carefully reminded me, \”I was often beaten when I was a child. Children tend to have low self-esteem, introversion, and weak social skills.\” I read an article titled \”Being Beaten in Childhood, and Becoming Silly When They Grow Up.\” I was really shocked by the title: Being beaten not only affects a child\’s personality, but also affects his personality. It will also affect IQ, which is terrible! The article quoted Lisa J. Berlin, a developmental psychology expert at Duke University, who found in cognitive tests that children who were spanked at one year old had lower cognitive ability scores at three years old. In another research report, co-author Murray Straus also suggested that children who are spanked at a certain age will score lower on cognitive tests later in life. But there are different voices. Dr. Den Trumbull, a pediatrician in Montgomery, Alabama, and vice president of the American Academy of Pediatrics, said that no one likes to spank their children., but for some children, this is the only way to effectively control his behavior and ultimately his will. Similarly, regarding the psychological and intellectual impact that parents are most worried about, someone investigated the impact of parents yelling, scolding, and derogatory remarks on their children. The results showed that if parents are usually full of care, love, and support for their children, occasionally getting angry will not have negative impacts. All corrective actions, whether involving physical contact or not, are inherently will have the same effect. In other words, whether it is spanking or reasoning, as long as the child\’s behavior is corrected, it will affect the child\’s cognition. You control your brain, but you still can\’t control your hands. \”Please come and give it a try, at least don\’t spank your children today, or you will find that you don\’t need to spank your children every day after today.\” – International No Spanking. April 30th every year is the International Day Against Spanking. This International Day was launched in 1998 by the Center for Effective Discipline, an American anti-corporal punishment organization. The purpose is to promote the anti-corporal punishment concept of children\’s human rights and attract the attention of society. Someone once asked on Zhihu whether children should be spanked. Among the more than 100 replies, most of those who disapproved of spanking believed that spanking children has the feeling of \”bullying the weak and forcing them to accept\”, and believed that parents use their physical advantages to do so. Force your child to accept your own point of view. How can we not spank our children? The suggestions put forward in the reply are to treat children equally, communicate with them, and jointly establish family education rules. Many parents are trying hard to establish rules and not spank their children. We don’t want our children to think of themselves as “evil mothers” or “ferocious fathers”, or as big monsters that bully small animals in picture books and stories. But even researchers believe that occasional spanking will not have a major negative impact on children. As parents, it is normal for us to be entangled. \”Every time a child gets naughty and misbehaves, the words \’a filial son emerges from under a yellow thorn stick\’ and \’if you don\’t beat him, you can\’t be a useful person\’\” will get into my head. I feel that I couldn\’t help but beat the child in the end. Maybe there are traditional concepts against me. Affected by this, I subconsciously believe that using beating as an educational method is passed down from our ancestors and there is nothing wrong with it.\” Her best friend summarized her actions this way. Indeed, in traditional Chinese culture, teachers and elders are in a position of authority, and family laws and rulers are indispensable tools for education. We have grown up in this cultural atmosphere, and when we are anxious, we may take action. If they really can\’t hold it back and hit their children, the parents will regret it again: Will it leave a psychological shadow on the children? While writing this article, I found a post – \”A detailed list of the weird reasons why parents beat me when I was a child.\” In the reply, the grown-up friends recalled the reasons and experiences of being beaten when they were children. Some of them made mistakes and were taught a lesson. , some were beaten because of being implicated by brothers and sisters, some were beaten by mistake because their parents could not figure out the reason, and some were beaten for no apparent reason… Although we were talking about the unpleasant matter of being beaten, there was a \”Mixed Doubles\”.Funny replies such as \”Male and Female Singles\”, and the language is relatively relaxed. Most of them can\’t read their dislike for their parents, and they think they have no psychological shadow. Some replies thanked their parents for beating them. It seems that those who were beaten when they were young The result wasn\’t that serious! I couldn\’t help but take action. Please note that I was also beaten when I was a child. I think one of the reasons why the beating did not leave any psychological shadow was because of what my parents did after the beating. After the beating, my father My mother would bring a hot towel to help me dry the tears on my face. When I calmed down a bit, she would tell me, \”Hit the child on the body, but the pain will be on the parents\’ heart.\” She would analyze why she hit me, and if she hit me too hard, He would also admit his mistakes to me. Maybe it was this kind of compensation after the beating that made me feel that my parents still loved me. In addition, as an adult, I have a sense of right and wrong, so it is not so difficult to accept. The same is true in \” In \”Listing the Weird Reasons Why My Parents Beat Me When I was a Child\”, some people replied that they were resentful of their parents beating them. Most of the reasons were because they believed that their parents beating them was not an education, but a way to vent their emotions. Therefore, when spanking When you are a child, you must avoid or even put an end to using spanking as a form of venting. For example, if a parent is in a bad mood and the child does something unpleasant, they take it out on the child; for example, to save face and feel that the child is embarrassed, I will I once saw a father scream when his son was fighting with other children for something, and immediately slapped the child in the face, \”What are you talking about? It\’s embarrassing to fight with children younger than you for something.\” \”Also, spanking without understanding the reason, such as only knowing how to spank and not being able to communicate, etc., need to be avoided. In addition, certain age groups are not suitable for spanking children. The stages of personality development proposed by psychologist Erikson The theory is that babies under 1 and a half years old will develop a basic sense of trust if their caregivers meet their needs in a loving and routine way. If their mothers deny their needs or meet their needs in an unusual way, If necessary, children will develop a sense of distrust. Therefore, children must not be spanked at this stage. Generally speaking, corporal punishment should be minimized after the child is 6 years old, and should be completely stopped by the age of 12. I remember the last time I was spanked was In the third grade of elementary school, because I did not do well in the exam, I secretly tore up my report card and ran to my aunt\’s house to hide. My father found me and beat me. Later, my father told me, \”You have grown up and you can understand the truth.\” , let’s communicate in another way in the future! \”I still remember this sentence to this day. Just hearing my father say that made me feel like I was respected as an equal, and I became more accepting of reasoning with my parents.