Anxious mother cannot take care of her child? Shit

I often read on the Internet that Chinese mothers are too anxious, but Dan’s mother doesn’t think so. I mean, how can there be a mother in the world who is never anxious: worried about her child’s health, her child’s study, her child’s future… As a mother, you have either been anxious before, Or on the road to anxiety. Mother\’s anxiety is like an infectious disease, and children are all susceptible. A random search for \”anxious mom\” on the Internet two days ago brought up more than 4 million related results: \”\’Parenting Anxiety\’ is a widespread outbreak, and nine out of ten mothers suffer from it\” \”Anxious mothers make children timid\” \”Anxious mothers raise children\” \”Happy children can\’t be born.\” There are even mothers\’ anxiety that causes their children to cough all year round… Dan\’s mother was shocked when she saw it, and she quickly said to her husband: \”If I get anxious, you have to remind me that for Ding Dong, I But you can\’t be anxious…Yes, I\’m not anxious…\” My husband looked at me speechlessly: \”I see you are quite anxious now…\” But calm down and think about it, is anxiety really that terrible? Anxious? Just be anxious. Dan’s mother remembers that her first job after graduation was as a children’s book editor. She was excited and anxious at the same time. At first, she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to do it well. I confided my anxiety to a senior, thinking that she would tell me that I was worthless and give me some guidance on \”not being anxious\”. But she said: \”Have you ever seen the kind of anxious people who are just idle and don\’t seek to make progress? Anxious? It\’s okay to be anxious. You want to do it well so much that you will be anxious!\” After listening to it, I suddenly understood, yes, it is precisely because Only when I have expectations and sincerity do I feel anxious. The same is true for childcare. Have you ever seen a nanny anxious when you are also raising children? Is the confinement nanny anxious? Even those parents who talk calmly about their children: \”It\’s okay, my mother-in-law will take care of me\”, \”There will be a nanny to take care of me\”, \”Send them to boarding directly and let the teacher take care of them\”, but they will not raise them or teach them. So anxious about the children. We feel anxious precisely because we really want our children to be well; we feel powerless precisely because we want to be powerful too much. We know that our words and deeds may affect the growth of our children. Only mothers who love their children have an anxious heart. Moderate anxiety is the only path for every good mother. When Dingdang was eight months old, I found that his interest in books seemed not very good. As a promoter of daily parent-child reading, Dan’s mother is a little ashamed… I used to read to him during the day, but he spends more time playing and crawling during the day. At night, he basically takes a bath, breastfeeds and goes to sleep, so that I can have more time. It takes a lot of time to write the manuscript, so reading it together with parents and children is actually quite fragmented, and it is normal for the effect to be unsatisfactory. Because I felt anxious, I started to take positive actions: I arranged my time reasonably. After Dingdong took a bath for half an hour, he was relatively awake. Give him corresponding books to read; randomly scatter books in every corner of the house, so that he will see books wherever he climbs… Two months later, if he wakes up before us every morning, he will take the initiative to look at the books there. Saw it. In fact, there are many parents around me who have become better because of anxiety: There is a mother who attended PET parent effectiveness training courses at her own expense because of anxiety about communication problems with her children, and now she has changed her career to a non-violence disseminator.A communicative caregiver. There is a mother who is worried about her child\’s health, so she taught herself massage, specialized in dietary therapy, and obtained a nutritionist qualification certificate. Now she is often invited by the community to give lectures to parents. There are also fathers who are worried that their children don’t like to exercise. No matter how late or tired they are at work, they insist on exercising with their children for half an hour every day. As a result, their own chronic diseases have improved… In fact, in psychology, \”anxiety\” is not a derogatory term. It is an emergency mechanism produced by the brain when dealing with unknown risks. Not only does moderate anxiety not hurt us, it can also become a motivation to change ourselves: it reminds us where we went wrong and urges us to find how to do better. Being an anxious mom is actually not that bad. Being anxious means that we are not numb and that we still have room for improvement. As new problems continue to arise as children grow up, anxiety will continue to reappear, and in this cycle of \”anxiety – reflection – action – regaining confidence\”, we will become step by step Better parents make a better self. Anxiety destroys children? That must be the way you open it. A few days ago, a mother confided in Dan’s mother on WeChat, complaining about all kinds of bad things about her children: always having to rush to get up, not being independent enough, always getting food on the floor… Dan’s mother I understand the mother\’s expectation that her children have good habits, but on the other hand, I feel that these so-called \”bad things\” in her mouth are really trivial things. But these little things made this mother very anxious. It got to the point where she would keep watching her child while he was eating, and would even hold a trash can under it. This makes people not only suspicious, but is she worried about her child\’s poor hygiene habits? Or is it perfectionism that makes her anxious when she sees something falling on the floor? As soon as the child doesn\’t do what she wants, she starts to think catastrophically: If the child eats and drops food on the floor, he will be disliked by others if he goes out. If the child is procrastinating now, he will suffer a big loss in exams and work in the future. The child\’s grades are not good now. I will definitely not be able to get into a good university or find a good job in the future. In this life… \”What happens to your child now will definitely lead to what happens in the future.\” Thinking about everything in the farthest and worst direction, Absolute and catastrophic logical thinking can turn moderate anxiety into excessive anxiety. Appropriate anxiety can be transformed into energy, but excessive anxiety can turn a person into a coke oven. In excessive anxiety, our fear of the future far outweighs our concerns about our child\’s problems. My mind was full of: \”It\’s over, it\’s over, my child is hopeless.\” Losing your mind is like a drowning person floating in the water, only knowing how to flutter around, but not knowing that this will only sink deeper and deeper. Anxiety is not terrible, what is terrible is excessive anxiety, and what is even more terrible is to only know anxiety but refuse to act. They only know how to use anxiety to control their children, but never reflect on their own way of thinking. At the end of the chat, Dan’s mother suddenly became curious about this mother’s childhood, and her answer actually made me laugh. She said: \”I was very naughty when I was a child. I went down rivers and climbed trees. There was nothing I didn\’t do.\” However, her parents were very tolerant to her, and they got over it with criticism and education every time. We didn’t have it that day due to time constraintsAfter chatting, but here, Dan\’s mother wanted to say to that mother: \”You were so naughty when you were a child, and you are doing well now, but why do you always think that if your child is naughty now, he will definitely not be good in the future?\” The growth of children requires a process, and the growth of us parents also requires a process. Accept yourself who are not perfect yet, and accept your children who are not perfect yet. Don\’t waste your energy on fear of the future. Actively turn anxiety into motivation, into wise reflection and action, to learn, explore, trial and error, use actions to eliminate the fear of the unknown, learn to be friends with anxiety, without avoiding or confronting it. This is a required course for every mother and everyone in their life.