Sorry, I would rather choose \”impolite\” for the sake of my children

I have nothing against politeness. But I object to fulfilling one\’s \”good manners\” at the expense of harming children. Yesterday afternoon, classmate Huang Xiaoyuan kept pulling me to complain. This lady, who has always considered herself gentle, virtuous and polite, was scolded for being \”impolite\” for the first time. She was so angry that she had nowhere to vent her anger, so she had to use me as a trash can. The thing is this: after kindergarten, many children are unwilling to go home immediately and stay in the reading corner outside the classroom. As soon as Huang Xiaoyuan\’s daughter took down a book from the bookshelf, it was snatched away by a little boy next to her. Huang Xiaoyuan\’s daughter first tried to get the book back through communication, and then used the rules set by the teacher to reason with the other party: The teacher said that children should come first, first served, one by one, one by one, no grabbing! Unexpectedly, the other party didn\’t take this trick. She treated her words as nothing and held the book tightly in her hand, with no intention of returning it. Huang Xiaoyuan\’s daughter was anxious and went to grab it. The boy was obviously bigger and stronger. With a hard push, Huang Xiaoyuan\’s daughter not only failed to snatch the book back, but also fell down and squatted on her butt. The girl had no choice but to cry and ask her mother for help. Huang Xiaoyuan, who adhered to the principle of \”adults try not to get involved in children\’s conflicts\”, did not say anything. Instead, the little boy\’s mother symbolically advised her son: Please return the book to your sister. You see, her sister is crying. The tone was a bit understated, but the little boy ignored it and looked at Huang Xiaoyuan\’s daughter crying with pride. Huang Xiaoyuan saw that his daughter really couldn\’t solve the problem with her own strength, so she said to the little boy who snatched the book: \”Kid, the teacher said that children should abide by the first-come, first-served rule when reading books. My sister got the book in your hand first.\” If you want to read it, you need to wait until your sister has finished reading it. Can you return the book to your sister now? At first, the little boy still refused. Later, perhaps because of Huang Xiaoyuan\’s gentle but insistent attitude, or perhaps because Huang Xiaoyuan was an adult after all, the little boy felt the pressure. Although he was very reluctant, he still returned the book. return. But when I thought about it, I felt wronged and burst into tears. Seeing her child crying, the little boy\’s mother, who had always been calm before, became unhappy. While holding the boy in her arms and trying to comfort her, she loudly rebuked Huang Xiaoyuan: Who is this person? ! It is not polite at all for an adult to force a child to return a book and make such a young child cry! Shouldn’t adults teach their children to share generously? Huang Xiaoyuan was suddenly confused. I was just reasoning according to the rules, so why did I become the sinner who forced the child to return the book? It was obvious that the book that my daughter got first was snatched away, but she turned out to be a stingy person unwilling to share generously? I advised her not to be angry. The little boy\’s parents were just not used to it. There would be such an adult who, in order to protect the property rights and dignity of his child, would not hesitate to destroy the harmony that everyone is accustomed to. This harmonious picture is usually: When your child\’s toys are suddenly snatched away and the child cries, you will usually advise your child: Oh, let your brother play for a while. There are so many toys, let\’s go play with other toys! If the parents of the child who snatches the toy are acquaintances or relatives with you, it will be even more difficult to save face. They will often say generously: My brother likes this toy so much, so just take it. The other parent usually says: No, no, no, that’s so embarrassing!We responded even more boldly: It’s nothing, just a small toy! Finally, the child who snatched the toy took the toy and left, leaving his own child alone and sad. Huang Xiaoyuan was scolded as \”impolite\” for protecting his children. This reminds me of another incident I saw recently. The protagonist in this incident was exactly the opposite of Huang Xiaoyuan. He was hurt in order to preserve his \”polite\” image. child. Several old classmates gathered for dinner, all with their children. Before dinner, the children played football together. A classmate\’s child was very good at playing football. He was fast and good at handling the ball at a young age, and he also shot well. The parents who were watching the game praised him during the meal: This child is really good at playing football and has great future. He must be trained well. The little star\’s father waved his hands vigorously and said: He can only play football well, but his grades are simply not good, especially in English. He can\’t keep up at all. You all don’t know, but I’m worrying too much… My father was still talking about “self-effacement” and didn’t notice the child beside him. The previous smile on his face instantly froze, and tears welled up in his eyes. Huang Xiaoyuan complains because he was scolded as \”impolite\”, and his old classmate \”self-effacing\” is because he is worried that others will think he is \”impolite\”. Both behaviors actually originate from the norms of politeness in our traditional culture. Professor Geoffrey Leech, an academician of the British Academy and a famous linguist, has studied Chinese linguistics throughout his life. In his article \”Politeness Principle and Face Theory\”, he mentioned that in traditional Chinese culture, politeness includes several principles, among which it is very important. The two are: the principle of seeking common ground and the principle of belittling oneself and respecting others. The principle of seeking common ground requires both parties in communication to minimize their differences, meet each other\’s requirements, and agree with each other in order to achieve harmony and consistency, which embodies the etiquette of \”respect is worse than obedience\” in traditional culture. The principle of belittling oneself and respecting others means that when talking about oneself or things related to oneself, one should \”belittle\” oneself, while talking about the listener or things related to the listener should be \”elevated\”. \”Etiquette. Huang Xiaoyuan was labeled as \”impolite\” because he violated the norm of seeking common ground that everyone is accustomed to. However, my old classmate did it out of politeness and abided by the norm of belittling oneself and respecting others. I have nothing against politeness. But I object to fulfilling personal \”politeness\” at the expense of harming children. What if Huang Xiaoyuan said to his daughter: Let your brother read the book. It’s just a book. Be good, we want to share it with the children. Huang Xiaoyuan\’s daughter will definitely be confused: What about the agreed-upon first-come, first-served rule? Why do those who break the rules benefit, while those who follow the rules become ignorant and ungenerous? So should I follow the rules in the future? In this case, I will learn from others in the future and just grab something I like when I see it. The harm suffered by children is not only the confusion about the rules, but also the collapse of the awareness of property rights. We will not give away things that belong to our wife at home to others without her permission, nor will we throw away old items that our parents care about, because we do not have the right to dispose of these items. But in front of our children, we have a sense of authority brought by our parenthood and believe that we have natural distribution rights over our children\’s belongings. But, when we ask our children to give up their belongings to others, have we thought about it?But what seems like an ordinary book to us may be like a kingdom losing a hero and a soldier losing a general to a child. A corner of the fantasy world is missing, the real world is dark, and the child\’s sense of property rights collapses. And my old classmate, when he was \”self-effacing\” for the sake of politeness, never thought that when the recognized child was happy, he would be poured cold water on him by the embarrassing things he said. When we are angry, we often say: This is my bottom line. A child also has his own dignity and bottom line. When his shortcomings are made public by parents through jokes and self-deprecation, his bottom line is exceeded, and the child will feel a strong sense of frustration. Moreover, unlike adults, children have strong self-regulation ability and can laugh it off. This kind of frustration can easily cause children to have low self-esteem and timidity. Modern society has changed a lot compared to previous societies. In the past, we talked about harmony, and everyone should not argue or quarrel. Just like Kong Rong gave up the pear, everyone should be more generous. Now, if a person just agrees with others and does not have his own opinion, he can only be lost in the crowd. Moreover, modern business society also encourages competition, and a result that satisfies both parties is often the result of a game between both parties. In the past, it was important to belittle oneself and promote others, but now if you don\’t know how to show your advantages in a timely manner, you will lose many opportunities in vain. Therefore, what I understand as \”the principle of seeking common ground\” should be to abide by common rules and reduce disputes, but it is by no means blindly seeking consensus to avoid disputes, nor is it an unprincipled pursuit of consensus at the expense of breaking rules. What I understand by \”devaluing oneself and respecting others\” is to be able to see one\’s own shortcomings and appreciate the strengths of others. It is a kind of self-confidence after self-reflection, rather than being unobjective in belittling oneself and promoting others. Politeness is seeking common ground, but not convergence; politeness is self-effacement, but not self-deprecation. After all, politeness is about respect and understanding of others. But when we ask our children to give up their things to others, when we inadvertently belittle them, where is the respect and understanding for them? With all due respect, if convergence is polite and belittling oneself is polite, for the sake of my children, I would rather choose \”impolite\”! I support Huang Xiaoyuan’s approach. I even hope that all mothers who can’t let go of their dignity and blindly converge on each other can stand on the side of protecting their children’s property rights and dignity like Huang Xiaoyuan. In fact, this is not only respect for their own children, but also respect for their children. For children who break the rules, it is also a kind of respect. After all, releasing nature is not willful. Only by learning to respect the rules can he gain the respect of others. Regarding the \”self-effacement\” of old classmates, I want to say that self-effacement is not self-deprecation. When children receive praise from others, they only need to face it with a calm attitude and accept it happily without getting arrogant. That is good. There is a saying that goes well: To judge a person\’s cultivation, it is never about how he treats people with a higher status than himself, but rather how he treats people with a lower status than himself. Children, because they are ignorant and weak, are the best touchstone for our cultivation. Therefore, when we want to be considered a polite person, we don’t have to look for the standard of “politeness” in the eyes of others. It is better to calm down and think about how we treat our children. With all due respect, if it is polite to be the same, it is polite to belittle oneself.For the sake of my children, I would rather choose \”impolite\”.