How can I save you, my emotionally broken little monster?

On a June day, a child\’s face changes at will. It wasn\’t until I had a child that I truly understood this sentence. One moment there was a dazzling smile like a little sun, and the next moment there was lightning and thunder + heavy rain. In addition to making high-decibel deadly noises, it will also be accompanied by a series of behaviors that make parents want to crawl into cracks in the ground, such as hitting people, throwing things, rolling on the floor, hitting walls and floors, etc. The most devastating thing is that there is almost nothing you can do about him: whether you are trying to reason with him or comforting him, he will not listen at all; if you hug him, he may be pushed or hit; if you yell at him, it is likely to make the trouble worse. . The most distressing thing is that it is very likely that the baby is making a big fuss, and you still don’t know why he is making such a fuss… He seems to be trapped in an emotional black hole, unable to hear or see anything, and just keeps venting until he Until all the energy in the body is consumed. If you are the parent of a child between the ages of 1 and 3, this scenario should not be unfamiliar. Don\’t feel that you are particularly unlucky to have such a naughty child. In fact, the vast majority of children between the ages of 1 and 3 will have such tantrums. My Maotou and Guoguo both go through this stage. The only difference is that Maotou will make a fuss for dozens of minutes, while my sister usually only makes a fuss for a few minutes. However, the intensity of the fuss is basically the same. Once the transformation occurs in public, the behavior is the same. Loveless. This kind of tantrum reaches a state of self-indulgence and isolation. There is a special word in English called Tantrum. It is generally more common among children aged 1-3 years old, because children at this age cannot understand and understand. There are many things going on, but their language skills are far behind. When they have emotions in their hearts, they cannot express their thoughts and feelings, and they will collapse. I believe that when your child breaks down, it will be difficult for you not to break down with him! Today, Chengzi will talk about how we parents need to deal with when our children start to enter a state of emotional out-of-control. 1. Keep yourself calm. First of all, don’t get confused. Maintaining your own rationality is the key to solving the problem as soon as possible. Regarding this, I once wrote an article specifically \”Fighting with naughty children, if you are angry, you will \”Lost\”, there is a sentence mentioned in it, 20% of your life is uncontrollable, and the remaining 80% is actually made up of your reaction to the 20%. You can\’t control your child\’s tantrums; what you can control is how you respond to them. If you yourself break down so easily, then what right do you have to ask your children to control their emotions. I know it\’s hard to stay calm in the face of a little monster. If you are really in a bad mood and want to explode, it\’s best not to say or do anything, because there is anger in your heart, and no matter what you say or do, it will hurt people. If possible, leave your child for a few minutes. Although the child may howl so loudly that the sky is falling and he is extremely anxious, he must do a good job in chopping wood and spending time and energy to stabilize his emotions. As long as you endure the saddest few minutes, your sanity will come back and you can take the next step. 2. Find a way to calm down the child first. When the child is in an emotional whirlpool, what you say willHe couldn\’t listen to what he said. The first thing is to make the child\’s emotions more stable and not so excited. There is no unified answer to how to calm a child. In the materials I read, every expert\’s advice is different and even contradictory: some experts say that you cannot leave your child and you must stay with him, otherwise He will feel abandoned. Some experts say that if you leave the child and leave him alone for a while, his temper will disappear faster. Some experts suggest that holding the child will make him feel safe and comforted. None of these suggestions are Wrong, of course, none of them are completely right. Because every child is different, the method that suits him is also different. Like my Maotou, he needs to be held more. If I hold him for about ten minutes, I don’t need to say anything to him, and he becomes much calmer. If you leave him alone to cry, he will cry for a long time. My Guoguo\’s painting style is quite unique. You must not touch her when she loses her temper. The more you touch her, the angrier she becomes. You can\’t even look at her. The young lady found a corner to cry alone for a while, and she soon regained consciousness. Therefore, it is very important for you to find a method that is most suitable for your children. You may have to try a few times before you find out which one you like. Probably these are the options: 1. Hug him tightly 2. Ignore him, but stay with him until he calms down a bit before hugging him 3. Disappear in front of him and leave him alone for a while 4. Find a way to let him vent, For example, draw on a piece of white paper, hammer a pillow, etc. In addition, if a child usually has a comfort object, giving it to him as soon as possible is also a very effective method. Once you find out which way your child calms down faster, stick to that method in the future. 3. Help children sort out events and emotions. When children change from a state of oblivious crying and fussing to a state of sobbing, it means that they have calmed down a lot and can listen to you. Be sure to compliment him first, \”Baby, you did great, you calmed down\” and then give him a big hug. Don\’t let the child calm down. You must review the incident and help the child sort out his emotions. Without this step, the child\’s emotional control ability will not gradually improve, and the child will be in trouble next time. At this time, remember that they can only listen to what is pleasing to their ears, and they must not talk about it with a straight face, do not explain it in a long and windy way, and do not nag him and say \”what is there to cry about?\” Be sure to do our classic trilogy of emotional grooming: 1. Acknowledge your child’s feelings: “Mom knows you’re sad,” “Mom knows you’re scared,” “Mom knows you feel frustrated.” 2. Tell me why he lost his temper, no matter how trivial it seems to you. “You don’t like your clothes to get dirty, do you?” “You don’t like that person, do you?” “You hate that the blocks always fall down, don’t you? ?\” Grievances that can be expressed are not called grievances. Once the uncomfortable things are spoken out, they will not be so uncomfortable. If you help your children express their thoughts time and time again, they can gradually learn how to express themselves. . If you know how to talk, you won\’t lose your temper. 3. Come up with appropriate solutions. If there is no solution, use your imagination.Satisfy your children. I wrote an article specifically about this matter, \”As long as you learn this, you can satisfy your child even if he wants stars in the sky.\” Another situation is that you don\’t know why the child is angry at all, then after the child calms down a bit, , encourage him to express it. If his language skills are not good, you can try your best to guess. As long as you want to guess, you will probably guess it right. Then you use simple language to say carefully what the child just wanted to express. Then tell the child: \”Mom, I\’m sorry, I didn\’t understand what you wanted just now. Look, if you stop crying now, mom will understand it.\” Children will increasingly understand that the role of language is much more useful than crying, and they will be more inclined to use language to express themselves in the future. 4. Stick to your principles and never compromise because your child is crying. Appropriate compromise is not unacceptable, but the reason must not be \”crying\”. You can slowly discuss or even bargain with the child who has calmed down. Everything is okay, let the children know that everything can be discussed after calming down. But don\’t let your child get mad and you won\’t be able to bear it anymore and surrender immediately. This is undoubtedly training the child\’s acting skills. When he finds that losing his temper is useful, he will lose his temper even more next time to control the parent. This is how naughty children are raised. Let your child understand that I can comfort you when you feel uncomfortable, and we can discuss your opinions, but losing your temper is never the way to solve the problem. In fact, both adults and children need to learn this principle of communicating with others. 5. Avoid touching \”minefields\” at ordinary times. You will find that sometimes, children are like a mobile gunpowder magazine, which is particularly easy to explode. At this time, you have to find out the reason for his bad mood and try to avoid it in the future. Generally speaking, children are in a bad mood for the following reasons: 1. When you are hungry, you need to bring some healthy snacks with you at all times. You can read this article \”Children should eat snacks, but it depends on how to eat them.\” 2. If you are sleepy, grasp the signs of sleepiness, or be familiar with your baby\’s routine, arrange your activity time, and take a break if you feel sleepy. 3. Wake-up gas. There are generally three reasons for waking up gas. One is not sleeping enough to wake up, which requires training on the ability to catch sleep. The other is sleeping too long, sleeping too deeply, and it is difficult to wake up. Regarding these two For one reason, you can read Cheng Zi’s article about naps, \”You need to sleep well during the day to sleep well at night. Is your baby’s nap enough?\” 》. The third reason that is easier to ignore is thirst. Pay attention to having water ready when the child wakes up. 4. Mental energy is exhausted and it’s time to recharge. For introverted children, being alone is recharging. For extroverted children, socializing is recharging. If they are \”depleted\”, they can easily lose their temper. Some related FAQs 1. What should I do if my child turns into a noise monster in public? First, you must take the child away to a place where it will not disturb others, and then follow the steps I mentioned above. Because in public places where there are many people, parents are under great pressure, and children will also have a \”blackmail\” mentality because they know that parents are afraid of losing face. Both parties can easily lose control of their emotions.Make deformation. Therefore, it is necessary to leave. What should you do if you are in a closed environment, such as an airplane, subway, or bus, and you cannot leave such a place? Then you have to apologize to the people around you first: \”My child is very noisy. I\’m really sorry. I\’ll coax him a little.\” It will get better.\” I believe that the public just hates parents who encourage arrogant children or do nothing. They will not have too much objection to a parent who is trying to comfort his children. 2. What should I do if I lose my temper and engage in violent behaviors such as hitting people and throwing things? There are two ways: one is to let the child be alone for a while, so that he can\’t hit anyone and have nothing to throw, until his violent behavior disappears. The second is to hug him tightly and hold his hands and feet until he calms down. But some children will become more angry and have a bigger temper if you control their bodies. So, it depends on the situation, which method will be easier for children to accept. When you go back to sort out your emotions, you should tell him that you just hit your mother in anger and threw the baby. Both the mother and the baby are in great pain. Can you give us a rub? There is no need to over-interpret the child\’s violent behavior when he is angry and blame him for hitting people and throwing things. As long as children learn to manage their emotions in the future, violent behaviors will naturally disappear. 3. What should I do if I cry so much that I almost lose my breath? This kind of situation was really easy to happen to Mao Tou in the past. It even started when he was a baby. His first cry would be held in for a very long time, sometimes as long as ten seconds, because he couldn\’t get through it. I was so angry that my lips turned blue. Judging from my years of combat experience, if he has never fainted from this, it means that his body can adapt to holding his breath for such a long time, and it won\’t matter in the future, he will eventually catch the breath. Don\’t be afraid because he holds it in for too long and does something that has no bottom line. In rare cases, there are indeed children who cannot take a breath and faint, and sometimes have convulsions, which looks scary, but generally speaking, they will \”wake up\” within a minute, and some will not remember. Why did I lose my temper? This is also a protective mechanism of the body, allowing you to breathe normally if you faint. The reason why some children are particularly prone to fainting is due to iron deficiency (so they are more susceptible to hypoxia). This phenomenon is also likely to occur if there is a heart problem. Therefore, if your child faints frequently, it is better to take him to the hospital for a good check-up to see if there is a physical reason. Generally speaking, this \”crying phenomenon\” will gradually disappear as the child grows up. The hair seems to disappear around the age of two. Some children will continue until school age, but they are a very small number. . 4. What should you do if your child loses his temper and engages in self-harm? When Mao Tou loses his temper, he will \”grab the ground with his head\”, sticking up his butt and hitting the floor with his head, as if he is possessed by Sakuragi Hanamichi. There are also some children who bang their heads against the wall, hit themselves on the head with their hands, and other self-injurious behaviors. In fact, it doesn\’t matter. No matter how angry your child is, he will not cause substantial harm to himself. There is only one exception, that is, parents are particularly concerned about this matter, and because they are afraid that their children will hurt themselves, they agree to many things that they do not want to agree to. \”Implementing Program Education\”In the book \”Children\’s Law\”, there is a case told about a boy who hit his head every day until it was bruised and bloody. He used this to control the whole family. As long as anyone did not comply with his wishes, he would immediately hit his head hard and kill himself until his family agreed to his request. If you don\’t want your child to become a master of self-mutilation, then don\’t care about his self-mutilation. If it is just used to vent, the child will not really hurt himself, but will also silently control his strength. When Mao Tou fought for the ground with his head, it was always on the carpet. If it was outside on a hard tile floor, no matter how angry he was, he would never hit the floor with his head. I had a neighbor at the time, Sister Ling, who said that her son liked to bang his head against the wall when he was angry. Walls in the United States are made of hollow wooden walls, which made a loud banging sound. It was very powerful but not too painful. Later, he took the child back to China. The walls of our homes in China are made of bricks. When hit, there is no sound, but it is extremely painful. The child hit a big bump the first time, and since then, he has never hit the wall again. Children may not understand other things, but they know very well whether it hurts or not! Many new parents who have been yelled at by their parents are worried that they will become the same person as their parents. If you want to stop yelling, you must first know what to do when your child is crying. Today’s article should be the most detailed. It\’s just that these methods require more patience and a stronger mind, and are much more difficult than yelling. In fact, healing the roaring child is not healing yourself? I hope that while you can comfort your baby, you can also comfort the aggrieved child in your heart.