Mom, you look so scary when you\’re angry

A mother left a message saying, \”When I see my son doing things slowly, I feel angry. I can\’t help yelling at him every time. But I really regret it after yelling. I really don\’t know what to do. My son once told me before going to bed. She said, \’Mom, you look so scary when you\’re angry,\’ and she burst into tears instantly, feeling sorry for her son and becoming an outlet for her crazy emotions.\” Many parents feel this way, but in fact, their children are often innocent. Serves as a punching bag for parents’ emotions. Under the control of bad temper, we often ignore the event itself. Instead, the damage was allowed to escalate step by step. From the reflections of most mothers, a common answer can be drawn: the children themselves are not wrong, it is often the parents who lose control of their emotions. Besides getting angry and losing our temper, what other options can we choose? Since becoming a father, I have found that my biggest improvement is not learning how to raise children. But his temper has become better. Because I am a very irritable person, and I have lived with an irritable grandma since I was a child. Now that she is almost 80, she is still a very anxious person. After having children, I will unconsciously think of many of my own childhood experiences. Because parents like to compare their children with their own childhood. We often find that we, who are prone to losing our temper, are crying and shouting in the field of memory. But the way he loses his temper now is exactly the same as when he was a child. Parents who have not grown up are almost like this. But in this case, how can we help children manage their emotions? I remember many times when my children were upset or stubborn. Ideas about spanking my children would pop into my mind. And the whole person was furious. If you don’t understand your child’s behavior and feel that the child is wrong, you should teach him a lesson. Fortunately, I tried my best to control my emotions. For example, once, when he was putting on clothes, he couldn\’t pull out his sleeves. The whole person burst into tears when he was anxious. Persuasion and help were ineffective. When we see such a reason for making noise, we feel that the child is being unreasonable. But I tried to control my emotions and let him calm down first. Then teach him how to turn his sleeves. During the order-sensitive period, every time he went out, he had to put on his shoes first, and then I put on my shoes. Suppose I put on my shoes first. It was like popping a hornet\’s nest, making me lose my temper. At this time, losing temper, beating, scolding and threatening can certainly calm the child. But what’s the point of such an approach. It\’s better to take off your shoes and sit there waiting for him to put them on first. Understand that Long Live is not a principled mistake or willfulness, so why lose your temper? Parents have their own reasons for losing their temper: the child is unreasonable and I have to punish him. I\’m so disappointed and it didn\’t do a good job. I always make the same mistake again and again, and I have no memory. Don\’t listen to what you say, only listen when you lose your temper. I do it for the good of my children, hitting is for kissing, scolding is for loving. …But after yelling a lot, I found that the result was different: the child became very docile and obedient, obeyed his instructions obediently, and did whatever he was told. The child stood there as if he was stunned, his little eyes full of fear. If you cry loudly, you will confront you, and even lose your temper like you, kicking and hitting pets at home or smashing beloved things. There is another kind of person who doesn’t react at all and is used to his parents’ temper., has long turned a deaf ear. Education during a tantrum is ineffective and counterproductive. We often say that children are a combination of angels and demons, and we parents are not the same. Because there are three kinds of clones in everyone\’s heart. A parent who often loses his temper is an adult who is easily controlled by the \”child clone\”. According to psychology, every adult has three versions of himself: parent, adult and child. When we hold our babies affectionately and watch them sleep peacefully, we feel very satisfied and feel that we can give anything to this little guy in front of us. After all, he was brought into the world by us, and we need to give them selfless support. Love with all your heart. At this time, we are parents who love our children. When we face danger, we can always handle it calmly and give our children some life guidance and suggestions. At this time, we are adults, and this is our most basic form. But when we are ignited by our children\’s behavior, we become anxious and often unable to control our emotions. We have a sense of frustration and a sense of helpless failure. If we are hit hard elsewhere, we can hide and cry, or talk to friends, but when facing our own children, we often vent our emotions by yelling and cursing to scare them and ask them to follow our instructions. The request comes. At this time, the \”child clone\” in us emerges. Therefore, most of our irritable states are controlled by our child self. Managing your emotions well is a beautiful form of love for your children. It can be said that your peaceful mood is the sky for your child\’s spiritual freedom. If you are colorful, then his world is colorful; if you are always surrounded by dark clouds and stormy, then his world is constantly stormy; if you are peaceful, he will be peaceful, able to breathe freely and confidently Growth; if you are authoritarian, he will be careful like a slave, trembling, timid and cautious. Maternal-infant relationship psychologist Li Xue said: When you can\’t help but want to be hysterical about your child, you have two choices. One is to deceive yourself: I am educating my child for the sake of my child. One is introspection: I have a lot of anger and pain in my heart that needs to be realized and healed. I have also been hurt by my parents in this way. This is the karma passed down from generation to generation in our family. I am willing to know myself and grow myself through the parent-child relationship. . The unfortunate reincarnation of my family must be borne by me, and it will end with me. We will find that in many families, parents\’ emotional instability often affects their children\’s emotions. Many people live in a family atmosphere full of beatings, scolding and tension, and have been thinking about escaping from this \”cage\” since they were young. However, as adults, especially when I have children, I find that many of the marks I left on my body in childhood have reappeared, affecting my children. So I must have a firm determination to end it with me. How to end it requires long-term emotional management. First of all, we must realize that this kind of temper-based parenting is an ineffective parenting method and will actually harm the child. Only with this understanding can we truly be willing to change. In addition, let me talk about one of my own experiences: holding back that feelingminutes to give each other some space to calm down. In the picture book \”Jerry\’s Calm Space\”. Little Jerry found a calm space for himself, and also gave his father a calm space. Everyone needs a psychological calm space, which does not mean demarcating a realistic area for oneself, but giving a psychological space for emotions to be released. When our temper rises, we should not be controlled by this anger. You might as well go to another house or go to the balcony to take a breath, put aside your worries in advance, take a deep breath, and think of something good. Don\’t always think that your child\’s problems are big. Think about it from your child\’s perspective and ask more questions why. \”Did he try his best?\” \”Did I ask too much?\” \”Did I not figure out the real reason?\” \”Did I go too far?\” When there is such a process of mental calming down, , many times our sanity will return. When I will calmly talk to my children about something as an \”adult parent\”. Instead of acting like children and hurting each other unscrupulously when the \”child clone\” appears. So, as a parent, if you really think about your children. It often starts with educating ourselves.