Why do good children make people worry more?

Many parents want a good child who is not naughty or troublesome, who is obedient and quiet, can play by himself, and does not cause trouble for adults. However, if our child is extremely well-behaved, would you still think that he is really \”very well-behaved\”? Ms. Z has a very well-behaved little girl named Xiao Z. When her mother goes to work, she won’t clamor for her. When her mother gets off work, she won’t pester her to play with her. Regardless of whether her mother was there or not, she looked indifferent, as calm as a child. When she went to a shopping mall and amusement park on the weekend, Ms. Z said she would play for another 5 minutes before going home. Five minutes later, little Z came out expressionlessly and followed Ms. Z home. At this time, other children were crying and making trouble and refused to leave. Even when she got a long cut on her foot while playing, she never told her mother. Ms. Z accidentally saw it when she got home. Ms. Z felt that the child was so well-behaved that she was a little indifferent. She was not attached to her at all. She didn\’t cry to her when she was hurt. It seemed that she didn\’t need her at all. She didn\’t respond to good things to her or bad things to her. I asked her, did you respond when your child needed you? Ms. Z thought for a while, I am very busy and do not have much time to take care of her. I hope that she will be more sensible and independent, and will not pester me or cause trouble for me, so I sometimes feel a little impatient and cold towards her. I asked, what about now, do you still hope that she will always be sensible and independent? Ms. Z was silent… At first glance, little Z seemed to be well-behaved, but looking back, it seemed that little Z had no attachment to her mother. Attachment is a very important emotional connection between a child and his mother, and it also plays an important role in a person\’s self-development and personality shaping (Bowlby, 1982). Strange Situation Method and Attachment Style Psychologist Mary Ainsworth (1969) used the strange situation method to measure attachment: 1. Mother and baby (12-18 months) enter a strange room together, and the mother uses toys to arouse the baby\’s interest and encourage them The baby explores freely; 2. The stranger comes in to talk to the mother and play with the baby; 3. The mother leaves the room, and the stranger and the baby interact; 4. The mother returns, settles the baby, and the stranger leaves; 5. The mother leaves again and stays The baby is alone indoors, and the stranger returns to interact with the baby; 6. Finally, the mother returns again, resettles the baby, and the stranger leaves. Based on this experiment, Ainsworth divided babies\’ attachment to their mothers into three types: 1. Secure babies can actively explore strange environments when their mothers are around, and respond more positively to strangers. After their mothers leave, they will Exploratory behavior will be affected, showing distress and restlessness. When the mother comes back, she is immediately contacted and easily comforted. 2. Resistant type babies are very alert before their mother leaves. They will yell and show extreme resistance when their mother leaves. But when the mother comes back, her attitude is very ambivalent. She will seek contact with her, but she will also get angry and refuse, making it difficult to appease her. 3. Avoidant babies are indifferent to whether their mother is present or not. They rarely feel uneasy when their mother leaves. They ignore her when her mother comes back and just play by themselves.Some people call these babies non-attached babies. The unspeakable secrets of well-behaved children. Children like Xiao Z who are extremely well-behaved are more like children with avoidant attachment. This type of child usually avoids close relationships, keeps a distance from others, does not reveal much about himself, and is very indifferent to his parents. Even if he is hurt, he does not seek comfort from his parents. He seems to be well-behaved, but in fact he is avoidant. Parents of such children are more accustomed to showing rejection, lack of patience, ignoring children\’s emotions, etc. The long-term rejection has given these good children the perception of being \”rejected\”. It\’s not that they don\’t ask for anything, but they don\’t dare to ask for it. Because there is no response to what is projected. Two researchers, Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver (2007), proposed that the dynamic model of the attachment system includes two secondary attachment strategies. One strategy is to activate the attachment system so that when danger occurs, the individual reacts strongly emotionally and seeks help. Another strategy is attachment avoidance, that is, weakening attachment. This strategy allows the individual to maintain extreme independence, be less vulnerable to injury, and be self-reliant. In order to avoid experiencing \”rejection\” again, these avoidant \”good children\” try to deactivate their attachment system and adopt strategies to weaken attachment, thereby reducing psychological pain. But if you look closely, you will find that there is desire in the eyes of the \”good boy\”. It\’s just that too many expectations are only replaced by disappointment, and they can only hide their desires in the disappointment, but their potential attachment needs have never disappeared. Relevant research shows that compared with children with secure attachment, such children may be more lonely in future adult interpersonal interactions (Ma Daowei, 2012). The core of the Embrace the Good Child attachment relationship comes from the signals the caregiver sends to the child. If a child is so well-behaved that he is avoidant, we may need to re-examine our attitude towards the child and adjust our state. When we feel tired, irritable and want to lose our temper, we can take a good rest before communicating with our children. We can also examine whether we have ignored him because he is addicted to playing mahjong or watching TV. If so, remember to give him more hugs, listen more to his language, and don’t hit him when he is trying to express. Cut it off. Because of our indifference and neglect, it may also cause children to avoid it. Spend as much time as possible with your child so that he or she feels our care rather than indifference. For example, you can enhance communication with your children by playing games with them and let them feel accompanied. Tell the child our understanding of his emotions, let him feel the warmth and care, and be willing to trust us again. For a child, his parents are irreplaceable, unique, and the first and strongest object of love in his life.