Your child doesn\’t like playing with others? Only after this age do you need to worry, before you were worried too much

Recently, many questions are like this: Maodou Mom, my child doesn’t like to play with others. Is he unsociable? Will he be unpopular in the future? So worried. I want to say something louder: before you ask, how old are you? All answers to interpersonal interactions that are beyond the age of children are just hooliganism. Different ages have completely different answers. The cut-off point for children\’s interpersonal communication is 4 years old. Maodou\’s mother checked a lot of literature, including the doctoral thesis of Wu Jianfen, an expert on Chinese children\’s communication, and the doctoral thesis of Wu Jianfen of Hangzhou Normal University, as well as the thesis of Sang Biao, a professor of child psychology at East China Normal University, and came to this conclusion. A common conclusion: 4 years old is a dividing point for children’s interpersonal communication. From 3 to 4 years old, although the difference is only 1 year, the level is very different. The middle class of kindergarten is a critical period for children to have interpersonal relationships. Or put it this way, if you are in a small class and don’t like to play with others and like to play by yourself, it doesn’t matter and you don’t need to intervene. From the age of 4 onwards, if a child shrinks, is rejected, or doesn\’t like to play with others, parents need to pay attention. Developmental psychologist K. Rubin compiled an authoritative \”Children\’s Play Observation Scale\” and found that 4-year-old children have much more positive interactions than 3-year-old children, just like the string of interpersonal communication suddenly became better. The problem that many parents were worried about before: \”What to do if my child doesn\’t like to play with others?\” suddenly no longer exists. why? When children are 3 years old, they have a strong sense of self-centeredness and their attention is easily diverted, so they prefer to play by themselves or watch others play without necessarily participating. Edamame was like this when she was 3 years old. By the age of 4, language expression and communication skills are at a leap forward! At that time, our tutor took us to a demonstration garden to conduct an experiment to record the time spent by children of different ages interacting with their peers. The result was that starting from the age of 4, children suddenly spent much more time interacting with their peers than 3-year-olds. We have observed children in small classes and middle classes, and the picture is very intuitive: 3-year-old children in small classes are all playing with toys by themselves, while 4-year-old children are playing in a group. Therefore, there are so many authoritative research conclusions proving that you can rest assured: before the age of 4, it is okay for children to play by themselves or not to play with others. Not only your children are like this, but basically all children across the country are like this. Of course, psychologists also point out that the relationship between children depends not only on the time of communication, but also on the quality. Some children are introverted and sensitive, prefer to be alone, and spend less time interacting with their friends, which is fine. As long as the quality of the relationship is high and the relationship is pleasant and consistent, it will be fine. If you are always isolated and excluded, there is a problem. What should I do if I have interpersonal problems after the age of 4? Most mothers will heave a sigh of relief after reading the paper I cited! But some mothers asked: Maodou Mom, my child is over 4 years old and has problems with interpersonal relationships. For example, the children won’t let him play, won’t speak, or is very timid. What should I do? Don\’t worry, let me show you a very interesting study first, which is about \”What kind of children are particularly popular?\” The answer may surprise you. The first one is actually: Look at your face! The study asked children, who do you most like to be friends with? Who do you hate being friends with the most?The results showed that appearance and physical appearance factors are important factors that affect young children’s peer interactions. Children with good physical appearance are always endowed with positive inner qualities by their peers. For example, some children will answer: \”Because Luo Xiaoyu is beautiful, I like to play with her\”; other children say: \”I like to play with Dongdong because I want to marry him when I grow up, and he He looks handsome.\” Be serious! This is real! I\’ve attached the reference source below. I think this is because human nature always associates \”good-looking\” things with beauty, and children are really \”good-looking\” too. So, what can parents do? 1. Pay attention to children\’s healthy diet and don\’t let them become chubby. Little chubby children are often laughed at by children who don\’t know right and wrong; 2. Don\’t dress children in dirty clothes, which will affect their self-confidence in social development; 3. If possible, teach your children to dress appropriately and match well, which will make them confident when facing other children; 4. Do not give your children clothes that are too baggy or old (I mean \”too\”, the situation is very Good second-hand clothes don’t matter), which will also affect their self-confidence in interpersonal communication. The second popular factor is children who are smart or have high emotional intelligence. Some children said this: We all like to play with Mengmeng, because he is our leader and can always come up with solutions. Some children said: I am willing to play with Wenjia because she is good to me and helps me up when I fall. Therefore, either he is a child with good brains and becomes a little leader among children; or he is a child with high emotional intelligence who makes others feel like a spring breeze and is comfortable with him. Both of these children are popular, have smooth interpersonal relationships, and have self-confidence. Third, let’s talk about the kind of companions children hate the most: children who love to hit others! Those children who love to hit others show strong aggression, so they are often ostracized by their peers. Many children said: \”I don\’t want to play with XXX because he likes to hit others!\” I know there are many parents whose children take the initiative to hit others, but never intervene, and instead feel that they are taking advantage. With this short-sighted understanding, the days of disadvantage for children are still to come. How to raise a popular child In layman\’s terms, after the child reaches the age of 4, he is gradually told that he cannot live too self-sufficiently and must consider the feelings of his peers. Maodou’s mother briefly summarized this ability into two words: empathy. In plain language, it means: Children must first accurately recognize whether others are sad, happy, sad, and joyful, and they must also care for others with compassion. Here are a few simple methods: Basic version: Do you know how to teach children to recognize other people’s emotions? What little babies like to look at most are human faces, and every smile will attract their attention. Many mothers don’t know that this is actually the starting point for cultivating emotional abilities. When I was a graduate student, my supervisor told me a joke, saying: \”Many of the boys here are straight and don\’t know how to chase girlfriends. Do you know how to improve?\” All the straight men present cried and said that the supervisor was \”a friend of straight men.\” ” and then listened with all ears. The instructor said: \”Find any TV series or movie, turn off the sound, and just watch the expressions of the characters to follow the plot. Try to figure out the women in it frowning, snickering, being surprised, and thinking deeply.When you can figure out a girl\’s thoughts just by looking at her expression, you will be able to catch the school beauty. Words can be deceiving, but expressions cannot. \”So, I found a picture of a child\’s expression for everyone. You can use it to teach the child what crying, what sadness is, and what doubt is. Only after the child can accurately recognize the expression can he judge the feelings of others. Advanced Version: Read picture books with themes of peer relationships and emotional abilities. After children can accurately judge other people’s feelings, they also need to know how to behave. Maodou’s kindergarten teacher told me a story: Maodou’s classmates were sitting in small chairs Maodou sobbed because the car he brought to the kindergarten could not be found. Maodou ran over to see what was going on and said to his little classmate: \”What\’s wrong with you?\” What happened, I\’d like to hear. \”(Exact words from the picture book \”Big Bear Has a Little Trouble\” we read) The little boy said: \”My car is lost. Maodou nodded and said matter-of-factly: \”Well, I understand how you feel.\” I would also be sad if my car was lost (put yourself in my partner’s shoes). \”\”However, I have a solution (again the original words from the book \”Big Bear Has a Little Trouble\”), you can come and play with my car. \”When the kindergarten teacher told me, he expressed surprise. A child over three years old had no specific life experience. He went to and from kindergarten every day. How could he learn so many details about comforting others? I said: It\’s very simple. In the book You see, he just jotted down those words. The book \”I Will Care About Others\” with Little Bear as the protagonist he read said this: When I am sad, someone will comfort me and make me happy. Feel better. Others need my care too. I also feel sad when someone gets hurt. I don\’t push others because I don\’t like others to push me. I treat people kindly because I like others to treat me that way. You Do you think books are only for children to learn literacy? Books will teach them in advance what life has not had time to teach them, and what you, as a parent, do not have the emotional intelligence to guide your children.