You are so good at reasoning, why do your children still refuse to listen to you?

I remember that before I was married, I once had dinner at the house of a friend who was a mother. Her son was 7 years old at the time, and he was at the age where he would \”dislike a dead dog\”. First, he would \”fly\” a fighter jet around the living room, and then he would pile blocks on the floor to build, and the jingling bells would not stop for a moment. . Suddenly, the grandma passed by the child\’s building block and accidentally knocked the blocks apart. The child cried out angrily and aggrievedly: \”Nasty grandma, please pay for my building!\” The adults\’ persuasion was ineffective, and the child still refused to give up while sobbing with tears on her face. I thought to myself: This kid is so unreasonable. The adults have already explained it, but you still don’t seem to understand. Grandma didn\’t knock down your building blocks on purpose. She\’s so spoiled by being so unrelenting to her elders for such a trivial matter. When I have a child in the future, I must educate him strictly so that he can understand things from an early age, balabala… Now, 10 years have passed since this incident. The reason why I still remember it is because I have been slapped in the face by my own thoughts. In fact, the children worked hard to build the building with a lot of imagination and expectation. He was about to finish, but was suddenly knocked down. It was normal for him to feel angry, disappointed, and annoyed. He cried loudly to his grandma, just expressing his feelings instinctively and honestly. But the adult wanted to stop the child\’s behavior, so he repeatedly told him, \”Grandma didn\’t mean it. Grandma is an elder. You can\’t treat her like this. Think about how grandma usually makes you delicious food and loves you so much.\” I want him to be \”sensible\” but completely ignore the child\’s feelings. If the adult squats down, looks at him sincerely and says, \”You look very sad. Grandma knocked down such a beautiful building like yours, you must be very sad.\” The child will definitely feel more comfortable. When he calms down, If you reason with him again, the effect will be much better. Many times, a child is not unreasonable or \”ignorant\”. He just needs adults to see and confirm his feelings, rather than repeatedly reasoning with him in an impatient tone to make him \”sensible.\” It can be said that talking about feelings is much more useful than talking about reason. A few days ago, my 8-year-old son Changyuan had an argument with his \”sworn brother\” Shenshen. He said angrily: \”My brother is so mean! I never want to play with him again! I hate him so much!\” I thought it was weird. Shen Shen is 13 years old and a student I know very well. He has a good personality, is gentle, tolerant and patient with children. All children like him. What makes Changyuan so angry? It turned out that they were studying at the same music store. Shen Shen remembered something he forgot to tell his mother and had to call. He didn\’t have his cell phone with him, so he picked up Chang Yuan\’s cell phone and made a call in desperation. This is such a small thing. But Chang Yuan was not around at that time, but his cell phone was charging in the piano room. Shenshen was on the phone when Chang Yuan came in. He grabbed the phone, his face turned red with anger, and he loudly blamed Shenshen. Changyuan said to me angrily: \”It\’s not that I refuse to let him use the phone! I can let him use it, but he has to ask me. He didn\’t even ask me, he just took it and called me. This is really inappropriate!\” Because this is my thing, my personal thing…\” It is said that when Shenshen saw Chang Yuan coming in, he immediately covered the phone and explained to him, \”I\’m anxious to make a call. Seeing that you haven\’t come back for a long time, I won\’t wait any longer.\” Chang Yuan was still furious and didn\’t care about Shenshen. Before hanging up the phone with his mother, he snatched the phone back. Afterwards, Shenshen apologized again for taking his phone to make calls privately, but Changyuan still couldn\’t calm down. He repeatedly emphasized: \”I can give it to him, but he has to ask me . It’s so inappropriate to use my mobile phone when I’m not around! \”The child\’s righteous words may sound reasonable, but they are not humane. He adheres to \”reasons\” and \”principles,\” but cannot understand Shenshen\’s urgency for help when he needed to call and his concern for him.\” \”Take it without telling\”, and the embarrassment of being forcefully taken back by him and refusing to listen to explanations. In other words, Changyuan only talked about reason, not feelings. Why do children behave like this? The problem all lies with adults. Once before, Changyuan took my mobile phone to complete the online chess homework. This homework was carried out in the form of mini-games, and the child liked it very much. He sat in the tent in his room and was very immersed in the game. When I was about to go out, I discovered He took away the mobile phone that was charging, and the battery had reached its lowest level. I was in a hurry to go out, but my mobile phone was out of battery, so I was very irritated and kept a straight face. The child was unaware, and he followed excitedly. I told him what new moves he had learned today, how many chess pieces he had captured, etc., and he raised the screen of his mobile phone to show me his upgrades. I suddenly became angry and said to him angrily: \”Why don\’t you Just tell me and take my phone? Now that the power is out, do you know how much it has delayed my mother? The child\’s voice lowered and he said apologetically: \”Mom, I\’m sorry.\” \”While packing my things, I reasoned loudly: \”Mom\’s mobile phone can be used by you, but you have to say it first. It\’s not good to use other people\’s personal belongings without saying anything! \”Amidst the endless explanations, I ignored the child\’s feelings. He had just learned chess and was very interested. He was eager to complete the game homework assigned by the teacher. He didn\’t see me and didn\’t have the patience to look for it. He couldn\’t wait to take it away. It\’s understandable that he has a mobile phone. He learned new skills in the game and was very excited to share them with me, but I confidently extinguished his happiness with unreasonable principles and completely ignored him. It can be said that I set a negative example in all aspects. I only talked about reasons but not feelings, and did not empathize with him. His disappointment, grievance and anger were suppressed in his heart. When encountering similar situations, he was completely Copied my behavior and used big principles to attack other people\’s feelings. Fortunately, when Changyuan expressed his anger to me, I closed my mouth and did not educate him, \”Shenshen usually takes such good care of you, you \”Don\’t worry about it\”, \”Don\’t be angry about this little thing, remember the kindness of others\”, but listen patiently to what he said, and then confirm his feelings: \”Shenshen used yours without saying a word Cell phone, you look quite angry. Mom understands. \”Wait until he calms down, and then find an opportunity to slowly explain it to him. Of course, the most important thing is to avoid setting a negative example in future life. Then, everyoneShouldn’t people reason with their children? Of course not, the truth still needs to be explained, and the finishing touch of \”teaching without words\” must be done with words. Just remember: 1. Before reasoning, confirm your child\’s feelings first. When a child who accidentally breaks a toy cries sadly, never say something like \”It\’s just a toy, it doesn\’t matter.\” Instead, you need to acknowledge and understand the child\’s reluctance and sadness. Maybe there will be an opportunity in the future for you to tell your children, \”You can\’t cry back if you cry for a lost toy.\” Second, speak the truth without emotion. A child rides a bicycle too fast and hurts his knee. He cries irritably and uncomfortably. Don\’t be reasonable and say, \”You don\’t listen to me when I tell you to ride slower. You don\’t listen to adults. You can\’t blame others if you get hurt.\” Please remember that this is not the case. Be reasonable, but add insult to injury by making sarcastic remarks. Wait until your feelings of distress and complaint have calmed down, and then tell your children the truth of \”protect yourself.\” In short, we all hope that our children will be sensible and have high emotional intelligence. No one wants their children to be inflexible and incapable of understanding others. Therefore, we must first respect and be considerate of children\’s feelings. Only when children experience tolerance and understanding from our actions can they realize this beauty and spread it in interpersonal interactions. Please remember that speaking out in a reproachful tone will only turn the truth into cold rules and regulations, making it difficult for children to remember \”principles\” but find it difficult to understand \”human feelings.\” Talk more about feelings and less about reasoning, and children will definitely gain higher emotional intelligence and better interpersonal relationships.