Danger, never praise your child like this

My best friend has a beautiful daughter, whose English name is \”Rose\”. True to her name, she is as lovely as a rose in spring. Her best friend braided her hair into nice little braids, put her on a chiffon floral skirt, and walked around the neighborhood. Everyone who saw her praised her, kept saying she was beautiful, and said she would be very stunning when she grows up. , and touched her pink little face lovingly. My best friend is proud of this and often praises her daughter like this, saying how beautiful and lovable she is. After hearing this, my daughter smiled sweetly, with two dimples appearing in her smile, and her face was filled with happiness. mark. Twain once said: \”A word of praise can keep me alive for two months.\” This shows how effective praise is. In childhood, children are still very shy and need the approval and praise of their parents. However, not all praise is appropriate. Some common praises may seem reasonable, but in fact, they have a negative effect. I once read an anecdote: A teacher went to Northern Europe to be a visiting scholar. On the weekend, a local professor invited her to be a guest. At the other party\’s house, she saw the professor\’s little daughter. The little girl is only 5 years old, with blond hair flowing like the sun, and blue eyes, pure and bright, which makes people fall in love immediately. The little girl is not only good-looking, but also polite. She knows how to greet people when she meets them, and she is not \”crazy\”. When the visiting scholar brought her some Chinese specialties as a gift, the little girl had an elegant attitude, smiled and thanked her, and her big eyes flickered, which was really annoying. So the scholar couldn\’t help but praise: \”You are so beautiful, you are so cute!\” If you are a Chinese parent, you will definitely feel happy when you hear this kind of compliment. But in Northern Europe, this is not the case. After the little girl walked away, the professor said seriously to the visiting scholar: \”You hurt my daughter, please apologize to her.\” The visiting scholar opened his eyes wide and was very surprised: \”I just praised your daughter. , I didn’t hurt her.” The professor explained: You praised her because she is beautiful. But being beautiful is not her fault. It depends on her parents\’ genes and has nothing to do with her personally. But the child is too young to distinguish. Once you praise her, she will think that this is her own ability. Moreover, once she thinks that natural beauty is something to be proud of, she will look down on ordinary-looking children, which makes her fall into misunderstandings and become superficial. The professor then told the visiting scholar that we can praise her politeness because it is the result of her own efforts. So the scholar praised the little girl\’s manners and apologized. Since then, this scholar has understood that when we praise children, we should not praise those innate talents, but should praise the acquired qualities. Natural beauty and intelligence are certainly qualities for excellence, but overemphasis on these can easily make children arrogant and complacent. By praising those valuable acquired traits, such as politeness, diligence, thrift, and hard work, children can learn self-discipline, self-improvement and training, and gain lifelong wealth. However, there are also things that should be paid attention to when praising acquired traits. We cannot just praise them blindly and talk in general terms. before,I worked as a counselor for a while. At that time, in order to motivate students, I often praised their personal qualities. For example, before asking them to do more difficult things, I will first praise them for their proactiveness; in order to prevent them from missing late self-study, I will first praise them for their diligence and self-discipline; in order to let them handle the relationship with classmates well, I will first praise them for being polite and kind. . However, I found that the effect of this was not obvious. It did not improve their learning efficiency and consciousness, nor did it make students more harmonious. So I found a few students and asked them what they thought. The students said that at first, they were very happy to hear my praise and felt flattered. But later on, I often praised them, and they got used to it, so they took it for granted. In the end, because I heard too much, I even turned things upside down. They will feel that I praise them for a purpose and to put a high hat on them deliberately so that they will do what I say. Moreover, I praise them before they do something and put a lot of pressure on them. They feel that they must do a good job in study and must not be absent from work. If they make any mistakes, they will feel a strong sense of guilt. However, who can be perfect in all aspects? After all, no one is a saint. Also, when I praise them, I just say that they are good in various ways, without saying why they are good, which sounds too vague and fake. So later I understood that there are several key points in praising acquired traits: the frequency of praise should be controlled, and it should not be frequent. In economics, there is a famous rule called the \”Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility.\” It means that within a certain period of time, if a person continuously obtains some kind of pleasure, then as the number of times of pleasure increases, the person will feel that the satisfaction he obtains becomes less and less. As the German economist Gessen said: \”The same enjoyment is repeated over and over again, and the enjoyment it brings gradually decreases.\” If we always use praise to encourage children frequently, then, over time, the effect of motivation will be reduced. It will get worse and worse, because children will develop \”aesthetic fatigue\”. No matter how beautiful the praise is, once it becomes commonplace, it will become cheap and make him feel boring and bored. Praise should be given afterward rather than before and after. It will be more targeted and serve as a positive reinforcement for the child\’s achievements. Praising in advance will be interpreted by the child as a means used by the parents to make him achieve a certain goal, and to manipulate him to complete a certain task. The child will then feel that the other person is \”hypocritical\”, and the result will be counterproductive. Praise cannot be empty, praise must be specific in content, and it is best to target something exactly. Those large-scale praises make people feel that they are polite words and are just for fun. They sound like wind and wind, fail to leave an impression, and will not be effective. Therefore, we must place praise on specific facts. Later, I changed my method and no longer said to students in general terms, \”You are very positive\” or \”You work hard\”, but I would praise them explicitly, \”That\’s great, I won the first place in the English competition\” or \”There is no one in the self-study class this evening.\” Absenteeism, really hard work.” In this way, they will know that I care about them and understand them. I will keep their achievements in mind and I deeply respect their efforts.Heavy. In addition to praising actual achievements, we also need to praise progress in performance. Japanese entrepreneur Hirohei Takashima once said that when praising someone, you should praise his or her growth. For example, tell the person, \”You have made great progress compared to six months ago.\” In this way, the other party will feel that you are very attentive and have noticed every step of his efforts, thereby gaining a sense of recognition and doing better in the future. Using \”sandwich\” praise sometimes, children have achieved certain results, but shortcomings and mistakes are inevitable. On the one hand, we want to praise him, but on the other hand, we want him to realize his shortcomings so that he can reach a higher level. This method can be used at this time. Sandwich praise refers to praising others first, then criticizing, and then praising. Just like a sandwich, two pieces of praise are used, and the middle piece of criticism is sandwiched to start and end the conversation in a friendly atmosphere. In this way, you not only express your opinions, but also convey enough goodwill without causing resentment. Just like I once said to students: \”You did really well in the midterm exam this time, more than ten points higher than last time, but you are still a little careless when doing calculation questions. You work so hard and are good at thinking and solving problems. In the future, Please keep up your efforts and do better.\” The students were very happy after hearing this. They knew that their achievements were only slightly flawed, but the flaws did not hide the flaws, so they would work harder in the future. Body language, expression and voice are all important when praising American family expert Gary. Dr. Chapman once wrote: Your voice (single, low, or obviously sarcastic) and your body language (looking around, sullen, not making eye contact) will quickly give you away. The other person feels that what you said is not true. If you can\’t express your sincere appreciation to others, it\’s better to remain silent until you feel better. When conveying appreciation, we should smile, look at the other person, speak kindly, and appear enthusiastic, kind, sincere, and attentive. If the children feel that we are duplicitous, careless, or complimentary casually, they will not get the desired effect. In addition, the praise we give our children is not limited to verbal expressions. Praise can also be diverse. Dr. Chapman once mentioned in \”The Five Languages ​​of Appreciation\” that everyone wants to be appreciated in different ways. Some people want verbal encouragement, some want focused companionship, some like physical contact… You can carefully observe what kind of method is most effective for your child. If he likes to hear compliments, then when he performs well, you might as well praise his achievements with expectations, affirm his character, and let him get positive energy. If he likes the company of his parents, then when he behaves well, you might as well accompany him on outings, visits, and games to spend quality parent-child time. This will not only make him happy, but also enrich his after-school time and strengthen the emotional connection between parents and children. If he likes physical contact, then when he makes achievements, you might as well give him a big hug, a happy smile, a gentle look, pat his back, and hold his hand, so that he can learn from it. In physical contact and eye contact, he is nourished by love and stimulates his potential for self-confidence. We can still allow itAllow children, after achieving their learning goals, to have the right to choose something they want to do and enjoy. For example, go play with a good friend, watch a cartoon he likes, etc. This will not only encourage him to do what he likes, but also exercise his ability to make independent choices and arrange daily activities. When a child gets his emotional and psychological needs satisfied through appreciation, his inner motivation will be aroused, his sense of self-worth will be enhanced, and he will work hard to move forward in study and life. Every child actually has a desire for self-growth, knows that it is a good thing to work hard, and also has a desire to express himself. If they receive praise, respect and recognition, they will be happy to show their parents through actions how great they are. Therefore, we only need to pay attention to the way of praise, guide well, and motivate reasonably. Female entrepreneur Mary﹒ Kay once said: \”The most powerful way of affirmation is praise. We should all praise others. It is like rain falling on drought-stricken flowers and trees.\” I hope your children can grow up bathed in love and praise in the family. , blooming like a flower.