Be careful of the harm \”controlling\” can do to your children, it is more terrible than losing your temper.

Learning to let go is harder than loving your children… We all feel bad about losing our temper with our children. Because under the roar, the child trembled, or stared and resisted. When controlled by anger, parents often fall into a state of control. So when I calm down, I will reflect on it, regret it endlessly, and warn myself not to do it next time. After we see the behavior of some children who are tightly controlled by their mothers. You will feel that compared to the \”fire-breathing mother\”, the mother who \”has the final say in everything\” is more terrifying. The harm of \”controlling\” to children is more terrible than losing temper. In actual parenting, mothers spend more time with their children than fathers. Therefore, the mother\’s influence is the main one, and firm control over the child is often in the mother\’s hands. We all know that maternal love is a kind of care, and it is a mother\’s nature to protect her children. This kind of love is sincere and natural, and children need such careful care. But if this kind of care exceeds a certain limit, it can easily become a kind of \”control\”. Moreover, the influence of the desire for control on children may even last for generations. 3-6 years old is a critical period for children’s gender identity. At this stage, the boy will use his father as a reference, constantly compare himself with his father in his heart, and generate gender identity through identification with his father. Girls will also use their mothers as their role models, looking forward to becoming someone like their mothers and being influenced by their mothers. The mother in the movie \”The Joy Luck Club\” said: \”Growing up in China, I was taught to have no desires and demands, to endure the scorn of others, and to tolerate all suffering. Even if I educate my daughter in another way, she still won\’t let go. Self-pity and self-pity.\” The mother has higher expectations for her daughter and does not want her daughter to suffer the same misfortune as herself. But the result is often \”I don\’t want to be like my mother, but I am still the same as my mother.\” I used to have a colleague, and when we went to his house, his father-in-law would greet him diligently. The mother-in-law always had a serious look on her face, sitting aside and occasionally cracking out a smile. It can be seen that he is a strict person. And his wife is almost exactly the same as his mother-in-law, and she rarely greets us when she sees her. Of course, friends who are familiar with it think it’s OK, because it’s a matter of one’s personality. But it feels different to neighbors and unfamiliar people outside. Everyone felt that their family was difficult to get along with because they often met each other and rarely exchanged greetings. Because a controlling mother often produces a controlling daughter. Like their mothers, they control their children and husbands. When they are young, daughters are often controlled by their mothers and do not stand out. But as an adult, you are like a wild horse running wild, out of control. So when a controlling daughter meets a controlling mother, the relationship becomes a tense stalemate. And this state of affairs will affect generations. Colleagues have complained to us many times, saying that our daughter has a bad temper and is often unpopular among her classmates. Because she always said when she came home: \”Why don\’t they listen to me and don\’t play if they don\’t want to play?\” It makes people sigh that such pain continues on the younger generations. If a mother has a controlling mother, the son will also suffer terrible consequences. Because when boys grow up, they need the influence of their father’s personality.ring. Unfortunately, a controlling mother is often paired with a weak father. In this way, the children have nowhere to learn, feel confused and bored, and have a sense of frustration. I have a cousin, and his mother is the \”Laowang\” in the family. His father has been working at the construction site for a long time, and even if his mother loses money playing cards at home, there is a reason. And my father broke his hand on the construction site, and he had to hand over all the money he earned to his wife. At home, he is submissive to his wife and never dares to say anything about big or small things. When I was in college, his father would occasionally call me to inquire about my academic status. Every time, he would tell me to talk more outside and improve my social communication skills. He said this from the bottom of his heart, because he felt that he had suffered this loss and did not want his descendants to be like him again. Now he often says this to his son. But not once did his son really listen. Sometimes he became impatient and said directly: \”Look at yourself, can you do it well?\” He was speechless. In a family, especially a family with boys. The father himself must work hard, and the mother must also work hard to maintain the image of the father in the eyes of the children. Respect his rights as a father. In addition to the influence of his father, boys will develop many male personalities as they grow up. For example, the cultivation of responsibility. Responsibility comes from full autonomy. Because people often have to first learn to be responsible for what they do before they can learn to be responsible for the things of others. But over-controlling mothers never let their children make the decision. She has the final say in everything, so the children don\’t even have a chance to hold themselves accountable. Such boys are often cowardly and lack a sense of responsibility. Many boys end up becoming mama\’s boys or \”old boys.\” How much success can you expect a boy like this to achieve when he grows up? Moreover, when such a boy grows up and gets married, it is also a hardship for his wife. A mother has to be a mother to her son and a mother to her husband. It was miserable. Many mothers strive to be perfect. When the child was born, I vowed in my heart: I will be a 100% good mother. In fact, the perfect mother does not exist. British object relations psychologist Winnicott once proposed the concept of \”Good enough mother\”. To sum up, there is one most important point: mothers should give their children good enough care, and also give them \”just the right amount of frustration\” so that their children can experience safety and danger, as well as disappointment, but not reach a state of despair. Of course, this is just right and intriguing, because children encounter many kinds of dangers every day, and we need to take care of infants and young children all the time. As the child grows, the mother must learn to separate from the child and give the child some opportunities to be independent. However, many mothers have crossed the line and have been addicted to the mother-infant attachment period. They have the final say in everything and have become controlling children. Children must ask their mother for instructions on everything they do. Don\’t dare to act naughty. I was playing with my son downstairs a few days ago, and a boy about his age also wanted to play with him. There was a slide in the middle of the community playground. The son ran over excitedly and said, \”This is my base!\” The child immediately ran into his mother\’s arms.He said, \”Mom, that brother doesn\’t allow me to play.\” He was slurring a little when he spoke. His mother has been playing with her mobile phone, and then she said, \”Go and play by yourself. It belongs to everyone and everyone can play with it.\” The kid came running. Saw me playing with my son. He told us: \”I can play in this place, it\’s not yours.\” \”Yes, let\’s play together. He just said that this is his base, and you can come with us.\” Seeing me saying this, he Come and play with confidence. Just after a while, he will run to his mother to report. For example: This brother just pushed me, this brother wants to chase me, this brother is a naughty boy, I don’t like naughty children. The child\’s mother said, \”Go play!\” and continued looking at her phone. The two children ran for a while, and then he ran to his mother and said that he didn\’t want to run anymore because he was sweating. This child cannot concentrate on playing for more than 5 minutes and always goes to the trouble of looking for his mother. At first I thought this mother was learning to let go. In fact, it was not the case. The content on the mobile phone was more exciting that day. Because whenever she sees her child in slight danger, such as running too fast or pushing and playing with children, she will immediately shout to stop and call the child back. All desires for control have their own unique reasons. What we can do is to reflect often so that our love for our children can be expressed normally and smoothly. In addition, please don’t be too anxious and try to learn to be a 60-point mother instead of a perfect mother. Acknowledge your own imperfections. In all relationships, everyone suffers a portion of imperfection. In this way, the pressure will not be on one person, and the relationship will be comfortable and relaxed. This is true for parent-child relationships, as well as family relationships, which require both men and women to share their responsibilities. I think if someone shared the housework, took care of the children, and took on the responsibilities given by the role of father, there would be fewer controlling mothers. Men are not spectators and should love their wives well. Use actions to win your wife\’s respect, and your life is the best example for your children to learn from.