When my 4-year-old son yelled \”Mom, don\’t accompany me!\”, I finally understood what effective companionship is.

Last Sunday, I was playing the \”Car Gestalt\” game with Edamame. This game is very special. It involves stuffing plastic blocks of different shapes into the car so that they are flush with the car. What is exercised is the child\’s ability to recognize, complete and construct shapes. Such an interesting game, but Edamame was having a hard time playing it. His face was tense and he was about to cry. Under my expectant gaze, his forehead began to sweat. Suddenly he finally yelled at me: \”Mom, don\’t come to accompany me!\” I asked: \”If I don\’t accompany you, can you catch the ride on your own?\” \”Anyway, let\’s go!\” Maodou pushed me out. I\’m a little angry. A 4-year-old child cannot complete such a simple shape. I stood up and ignored him. But…how can I bear it? I sat on the small table, looking at my phone while keeping one corner of my eye on him. Who knows, he will be able to ride more smoothly when I am not around. After a while, he quickly set up the car and showed it to me happily: \”Mom, look!\” I suddenly remembered an incident last year. It is also a series of # Mom’s company makes me so annoyed #. I took Maodou to the bookstore, found a favorite book and sat on the floor. I was about to give a lecture to Maodou, but I was attracted by the voice of my mother next to me. The child was about 2 years old and was in the critical development period of hand movements. He kept rubbing and tearing the corner of the book, completely ignoring his mother\’s attempts to teach him \”red\”, \”green\”, \”apple\” and \”clock\”. The young mother was very angry when faced with her child\’s indifference. She suppressed her voice and yelled at her child, \”I want you to learn something, so don\’t tear up the book!\” The child looked at her mother blankly. The favorite action of a 2-year-old child is tearing. He learns this skill by repeatedly operating one thing. This is the only way for all children of this age to practice fine hand movements. The mother\’s desire to \”learn cognition\” is a fool\’s errand for a child of this age. I linked these two things together, and then asked a senior kindergarten teacher for advice, and suddenly realized: It turns out that Chinese parents often make these two mistakes when it comes to companionship! The companionship of many Chinese parents is \”too utilitarian\” and \”too purposeful.\” This senior kindergarten teacher is an American, so from his perspective, the comparison of Chinese and foreign parenting is clear at a glance, which has benefited me a lot. He said: \”I have worked as a kindergarten in the United States for five years. The difference in parental companionship between China and the United States that I have deeply experienced is that Chinese parents\’ companionship is too utilitarian and they always want their children to \”learn something.\” If the children are accompanied by If they don\’t play in pure play, they will be very disappointed and feel that it is a waste of time.\” \”The habit of American parents to accompany their children is that parents first turn themselves into children, re-enter the world of children, and interact with children on an equal footing. Play together. Companionship is companionship itself, without too much utilitarianism. When accompanying, parents feel at ease, because they are only for the pure joy of their children playing now, rather than worrying about their children\’s future.\” I said to the American The teacher nodded and agreed with his conclusion. “Once parents have too many expectations for companionship, companionship becomes a parent-dominated task.tasks rather than “children-dominated” play. What’s even more frightening is that many parents don’t understand child psychology or the stages of child development at all. They mistakenly believe that if their children are taught according to their ideas, their children will learn more than other children. That is really big. misunderstanding. \”For example, some babies often only read a certain page of picture books when reading, and their mothers will become anxious when accompanying them: What\’s wrong with learning more?\” They will take it upon themselves to turn that page away and let the child read a few more pages. \”But in fact, when children insist on reading only a certain page of picture books, their brains are undergoing magical changes: babies like to learn through repetition. When they can repeat certain skills particularly skillfully, when they know the next When it\’s the same story over and over again, their sense of security will develop extremely well. \”I understood instantly. What Maodou disliked was that when I was accompanying him, I still gave him instructions on how to build it. Moreover, my ardent expectations were a kind of special pressure for him, so that he could not unscrupulously press his own buttons. Imagine it in a way. It’s okay not to have this kind of companionship! As for the mother who always disturbs her child’s rhythm in the bookstore, she thinks she can dominate her child’s growth and ignores her child’s autonomy. It’s okay not to have this kind of companionship! Companionship is led by the child, not by the parents. What you need is to let the child play freely according to his interests. When your pressure becomes unobstructed resistance for the child, companionship becomes something poisonous to the child. ! Remember that parents are just companions and followers. Don’t try to teach your children anything through companionship. The child will naturally absorb everything he can absorb. If an adult is gesticulating in the company, it seems that the child has learned some knowledge on the surface, but But it makes the children lose their healthy self. When children are clingy, it just means that you are not accompanying them enough. Speaking of companionship, the American teacher and I also have a consensus, that is: Regarding companionship, Chinese parents have a very wrong concept: the more The more clingy children should exercise their independence. Just yesterday, I took Maodou back to the Infant and Child Psychology Research Laboratory of my alma mater, Beijing Normal University, where they are recruiting experimental subjects for \”the development of young children\’s spatial abilities.\” I said hello I went with my neighbor and my child. This experiment is actually very simple. The child goes to a separate small room and tells the researcher the color of the wall when he comes back. However, the child and the researcher need to go to a separate room. In the house, parents can only wait outside and watch through surveillance. Maodou is 4 years old, and the neighbor\’s child is one month younger than him. But his behavior is completely different. Maodou was very happy that he followed the experimenter into a separate small room, and there was no need at all. My comfort and companionship made me cry throughout the whole process. When I came back, I said, \”I haven\’t done enough, I still have to do experiments!\” \”The neighbor\’s child looked back at her mother every step of the way. Not long after entering the small room, she ran out to look for her. She did it three times and refused to go back. My neighbor is a busy working elite mother. She said to me anxiously Said: \”It seems that I should train my child\’s independence? Why is he so clingy to me? \”My discussions with the staff of the psychological laboratoryThe opinions are the same: \”When your child is clingy, it just means that you are not accompanying your child enough!\” When you give your child enough, no-expectation companionship, it means you give your child unconditional love, and your child\’s sense of security is like The saplings that are full of water grow vigorously. He can rely on this sense of security for a long time when his parents are away, because he knows you will be back soon. When you don’t provide enough companionship to your child, the child’s sense of security is like a dry river. When the parents are away, it brings back his anxious memories. He will remember how you left him and will also be worried about this time. You will still leave. Therefore – the less company a child has, the more clingy he will be; the more clingy a child is, the more company we need to give him! To sum up, what kind of high-quality companionship do children want? It is the parents who pursue their children\’s interests, rather than the children succumbing to their parents\’ arrangements; it is the children who decide what to play; it is not the parents who decide what their children play; it is the parents who turn themselves into their children\’s playmates and participate equally in their children\’s games, rather than Parents pretend to be their children’s bosses, dictating how their children should play.