To cultivate children’s sense of security, don’t miss these important periods

When chatting with readers, I often receive questions about the sense of security: \”Will it cause a lack of safety for the child if the child is taken care of by the grandparents in his hometown?\” \”The child cries every day when he goes to the kindergarten. Is it not safe enough?\” \”My child is sensitive and introverted. Is it because he doesn\’t feel safe enough?\”… We often hear that security is abstract and vague when it comes to describing it, but it is extremely important for children. Today Danma wants to talk to you about this topic. 1. What is security? In the field of child psychology research, saying that a child feels safe means that he or she has established a secure attachment relationship with his or her parents. The concept of \”secure attachment\” was first proposed by British psychologist John Bowlby. But later, an American comparative psychologist named Harry Harlow conducted a famous monkey experiment to prove this theory: he isolated young monkeys from their mothers, and installed equipment in the cages of the young monkeys. Two fake mothers. Of the two fake mothers, one was made of stainless steel wire with a baby bottle on her chest; the other was wrapped in flannel but without a baby bottle. What is unexpected is that only when the little monkey is particularly hungry, he will run to the wire mother to drink a few mouthfuls of milk, and then quickly run back and hug the flannel mother tightly. If you follow the principle of \”whoever has milk is a mother\”, the little monkey\’s behavior is obviously illogical, but from a psychological point of view, this is very normal, because the flannel mother has temperature and is warm. , soft. Moreover, when these monkeys grow up, they are not only unable to integrate into the normal life of the group, but also have indifferent temperaments. They also refuse to get along with or mate with any of their own kind. Even if they are pregnant, some of them are very indifferent to their children and even kill their own children. . This series of research confirms that parents cannot just focus on feeding their children, nor can they just think about how to train their children. Instead, they must provide children with a variety of sensory stimulations so that they can feel the love and presence of their parents. To get a sense of security. Children with a good sense of security are generally stable, gentle, confident and optimistic; on the contrary, children with a poor sense of security are sensitive. Frightened, unconfident, and afraid of being abandoned, they spend all their energy seeking external recognition and are unable to develop their own abilities. 2. How to give children a sense of security? It is recommended to seize these critical periods. 1. When the baby is just born, if the caregiver, especially the mother, is very kind to the baby and can often give him a stable and timely response, the baby will feel comfortable and satisfied, and will be responsive to the surrounding people. The world creates trust and expectations, which creates an initial sense of security. ● Respond to and meet your baby’s needs in a timely manner and care for your baby. Although your baby cannot speak, you can understand the various cues given by your baby through his cries, expressions, etc. and learn to quickly identify whether he is hungry or not. Still sleepy, or still having a wet diaper… You have to be gentle and patient, respond to your baby\’s needs in a timely manner and satisfy him, make eye contact with him, and hug him. ●Holding him when he cries will not spoil the child. When Dingdang was born, his grandma would say: \”Baby\” when she saw him crying.If he cries, let him cry for a while, don\’t coddle him. \”I laughed it off and went to hold the baby. In fact, when a newborn baby cries, it may be because he is hungry, has a wet diaper, is frightened, or feels uncomfortable. He is crying to tell you: \”I don\’t feel well. , come and help me. \”And you help him gain a sense of comfort, which is the first step for him to build trust in the world. ●Unconditional acceptance and constant attention. Within 3 months of birth, the child needs to be unconditionally accepted by the mother and paid attention to at all times. If If the child is not satisfied with the aspect of \”unconditional acceptance\”, problems will arise in the child\’s sense of security, such as possessiveness and jealousy. When he grows up, he will be particularly \”clingy\”. In kindergartens and elementary schools, he will be clingy to teachers and in middle school. In short, when you are in love, you will continue to search and find the person who is the most important and accepted in front of you. Around 2 or 5 months, the child begins to \”recognize life\”. After more than 5 months, the child begins to \”recognize life\”. This It is a normal phenomenon. Babies who form an attachment relationship will go through a period of recognition of their birth. With the companionship of this attachment relationship, they will gradually become independent. What we have to do is to accompany and support the child. ●Hold the child tightly, do not give No matter what the situation is, if your baby is shy, you should comfort him and don\’t label your baby \”shy.\” Try to hold him tightly. When he gradually relaxes, he will respond in his own way and Interact with strangers. ● Give your child time and don’t rush him. If he doesn’t want to, don’t rush him. When you are there to support him, encourage him, accept his acceptance, and allow him to deal with this new situation in his own way, This will help the child build self-confidence and trust in the world. Around 3 to 8 months old, children begin to experience separation anxiety. Most babies develop separation anxiety around 8 months old. This is the beginning of the baby facing the world independently. The baby learns to After crawling, his range of activities becomes wider. He hopes to explore the world more, but he is full of fear of this world, so he hopes that his mother will be with him. ● Mothers should not leave secretly to worry about their children crying. Some mothers leave secretly. You don’t know, although the child didn’t cry at the time, he didn’t know where his mother had gone. He was looking for her everywhere, and he was in a panic. So, don’t leave secretly, but say goodbye to the child calmly. After returning home, you should also say goodbye to the child. The child confirms that mother is back and that mother loves him. The child will know that mother’s departure is temporary and she will come back. ● Establishing a separation ritual with your child is also a very critical step in establishing a sense of security. Every time I When I am about to leave Dingdang for a while, I will tell him: \”Baby, mommy is going to xx, and xx will probably come back.\” \”Kiss his little forehead and say goodbye to him. Until now, Tinker Bell is 1 year and 9 months old, and I still have this routine when I go out. ●Don\’t change caregivers frequently. If you really have difficulties, don\’t change them suddenly. It is necessary to give the child an adaptation process to avoid causing excessive anxiety to the child. The mother should also explain clearly to the child the reason for the change, and do not completely ignore the baby\’s feelings because the child is young and immature. 4. 2 years old, self-awareness develops, stubbornness Children aged 2 years old in the sensitive period begin to develop self-awareness: I am free, Iis independent. The separation of physical and psychological aspects will make children both excited and scared. This is also the stage when children are extremely insecure. ●I accept that my child clings to my mother. Dingdong belongs to this period now and wants to cling to me all the time. In fact, I know that he is confirming with me that even though I am not one with my mother, my mother still loves me unconditionally. Therefore, I provide my child with high-quality companionship and express to him countless times: \”I love you, no matter what, I will love you.\” Only when the child\’s attachment to his mother is satisfied can he truly become independent. ●Don’t scare your children to make them obedient. “If you cry again, mommy won’t like you.” “If you don’t listen, mommy will leave you here.” Although such words can make the child “obedient” temporarily, it will make the child become timid. When I was young, I was afraid of being abandoned by my parents. ●Give children a regular life. \”A person can walk around with his eyes closed, and he can get whatever he wants with just two hands.\” Such a familiar environment and regular life can provide children with a sense of control and avoid unnecessary trouble. Fear of the unknown creates a sense of security. ●Don’t ignore your eldest baby after having a second baby. Maybe you are starting to prepare for a second baby. When you are pregnant, you must confirm with your eldest baby that your love will not diminish. When the second baby is born, you must spend time alone with the eldest baby, reading and playing games with the eldest baby, so that the eldest baby can still feel your love. 4. 3 years old, going to kindergarten, looking for social approval. The child is going to kindergarten. He doesn’t know whether the kindergarten is safe, whether his parents will come to pick him up, or do they want to send him away? ●Commitment and guarantee to pick up the baby on time. Once I was chatting with a friend and talking about her daughter’s separation anxiety when she first entered kindergarten. She told me something that impressed me deeply. She played a kindergarten game with her daughter. When she pretended to be a mother and went to pick up her daughter from kindergarten, she always expressed joy and would say loudly: \”Baby, mommy is here to pick you up. I miss you so much today\”, and then Hug your daughter tightly. I played this game over and over six or seven times. The next morning, her daughter stopped crying as she entered kindergarten. Because she confirmed to her daughter over and over again that her mother would pick her up at night and that her mother loved her. My daughter feels at ease knowing that sending her to kindergarten does not mean her mother doesn’t love her anymore. ●Accept your baby\’s emotions. Your child may have emotions after returning home, crying, being inexplicably irritable, or even losing his temper for no reason. These are all normal manifestations. The child has been depressed for a day in kindergarten and needs to vent his emotions in front of familiar people. At this time, you must unconditionally accept your baby\’s emotions and confirm your love for him. ●Read stories to children, use stories to heal the soul. I used to have trouble in kindergarten. Later, I read him the picture book \”Little Owl\”. He did not ask to read from the first page, but asked to read \”Mother Owl is back\” over and over again. \”Only when you read it to your heart\’s content can you play with confidence. This actually means that children gain power from stories. At the age of 5 or 6, elementary school is the starting point when the child and mother really begin to separate. As soon as the child enters elementary school, he suddenly becomes stressed. Because parents are worried about their children’s future and are uncertain about the current educational environment, and anxiety bothers them, and parents pass this pressure on to their children.son. ●Don’t impose your own expectations on your children. Every parent has more or less expectations for their children, hoping that it will be easier for their children to gain a foothold in society and succeed in the future. But it is precisely this kind of \”expectation\” that may cause us to fail to fully accept our children and hurt their sense of security. ●Don’t always praise other children. Mothers always talk about “other people’s children”, especially in the circle of friends, where they show off their children in various ways, which makes mothers more anxious. However, if you always think that other people\’s children are good, they will feel that they are not good enough and are afraid of losing their mother\’s love. The Indian thinker Osho has a famous saying: \”A rose is a rose, a lotus is a lotus, just look at it, don\’t compare.\” Therefore, take your eyes back from other people\’s children, look more at the progress and advantages of your own children, and never compare. Be generous with your appreciation and encouragement. When a child confirms his mother\’s unconditional love for him, the child will become better and better. 3. What should we do with children who already feel insecure? Children with a good sense of security firmly believe in their hearts: I am lovable, I am loved, and my existence is valuable. This feeling is the best gift for children and will benefit them throughout their lives. But if a child’s sense of security is lost, how can it be repaired and rebuilt? This part of the reference content \”How to speak so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children are willing to speak\” 1. Give children a warm and relaxed family environment. Parents should avoid disputes and conflicts in front of their children. Parents should maintain consistent educational thoughts and actions. 2. Don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your children. Don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your children. Once your children know how much their parents love them, this is an infinite force that can accompany them through many difficulties in life. 3. Spend more time with your children, even if No matter how busy you are, you should spare at least 10 minutes every day to spend time with your children. When you are with your children, do not be distracted or show impatience because you think it is a boring game, especially before your children fall asleep. It is very important to read together before going to bed. A good way is for parents to put their children in their arms and tell stories and read books together. The children will enjoy and like this feeling very much. 4. Do not criticize, blame, or punish children, but appreciate, encourage, and support them. Do not treat children who do wrong things. He sees them as troublemakers and treats them as active participants in solving the problem. Here are seven ways to replace punishment: a. Come up with an idea to get the child to help; b. Express strong dissatisfaction, but do not make character attacks. ; c. Clarify your expectations; d. Point out remedial methods to the child; e. Let the child make a choice; f. Take action; g. Let the child experience the consequences of bad behavior. For children who encounter setbacks, first identify the child\’s Express your child’s feelings with appropriate words. Respect your child’s efforts. Encourage your child to seek help outside the family. Don’t stifle your child’s hope. 5. Don’t threaten your child. The 5 most insecure sentences are: a. If you don’t obey, you will be punished. Hit you! b. Mom doesn’t want you anymore! c. You picked it up from the trash can! d. I won’t do it if I say no! e. If you continue to disobey, your mother will not like you. 6. Give your children unconditional love and acceptance. The book \”Children\’s Love Language\” says: \”Unconditional love and acceptance\”Acceptance means loving your children no matter what their circumstances are. But this does not mean that we like everything our children do, but it does mean that we should always give and show love to our children, even when they behave badly. \”This passage has two meanings: First, loving your child only because he is your child has nothing to do with all attachment conditions. Second, you must separate \”child\” and \”behavior\”. What you accept is his person, not his. All behaviors. He did something wrong and needs your help but it does not affect your love for him. 7. Cultivate yourself and lead by example. Only when parents believe in themselves, love life, care for others, and trust the world can children gain a solid sense of security.