A child\’s attachment style determines the child\’s future. Don\’t miss the critical period of cultivating \”secure attachment\”

When I got home from work, my son was like a little chick waiting to be fed. He ran towards me with his arms outstretched. I also picked up my son affectionately and spun him around. After that, my son followed me step by step, calling me in a sweet voice to play with him. The game was caught in the hand by a toy, and she asked me to blow her with tears in her eyes. Her cute look made me burst with maternal love. Suddenly, this harmonious scene was broken by my mother-in-law\’s words, \”If you don\’t come back, Mu Fan will be obedient and play with himself and drink water. But once you come back, he won\’t be able to do it anymore. He\’s so spoiled.\” I immediately responded: This is called safety. Type attachment relationship, you have to learn, mom! The mother-in-law clicked her tongue, turned and left. There is a saying in our hometown: A child will cry when he sees his mother. Many children are obedient and independent before meeting their mothers. They play games by themselves, eat by themselves, and even dress by themselves. But as soon as he saw his mother, he immediately became a baby in his swaddling clothes, acting coquettishly and cutely, like a little follower. Therefore, people around him always say that \”it\’s okay if he can\’t see his mother, but he cries and becomes disobedient when he sees her.\” I directly questioned that there was something wrong with my mother’s education methods. In the past, I thought this sentence was very harsh, especially when some mothers-in-law held their children, their eyes and tone were full of pride, which made me seek injustice for mothers: Why, this is my child, I am October She fought tooth and nail to get pregnant and gave birth to a baby, and she crammed in all kinds of parenting knowledge to raise him, but he was a good baby in other people\’s homes. Could it be that the mother really didn\’t know how to take care of her children? Later, I had my own child. Every time I heard my mother-in-law say this, I felt very happy because after studying child psychology, I knew that this was a sign that the \”secure attachment\” relationship between me and my child was being established. In psychology, attachment is the emotional bond between a baby and its primary caregiver as it grows. The secure attachment relationship was proposed by the famous American psychologist Irons Worth. Ironsworth designed the Strange Situation Technology to specifically study attachment types. The specific experimental process is as follows: By observing the performance of multiple babies, the researchers divided the attachment behaviors between mothers and babies into three types: Anxiety —Avoidant, secure, and anxiety-resistant styles. The first type is anxious-avoidant type. This type of babies accounts for about 20%. When their mother leaves, they will not show tension or worry. When their mother comes back, they will ignore it and show behaviors such as neglect and avoidance. For me, there is no difference between receiving comfort from my mother and receiving comfort from a stranger. The second safe type accounts for about 70%. When initially with their mother, safe babies will play happily; when strangers appear, they will be a little wary, but will not be irritable. When babies are left with strangers, they stop playing and look for their mother, and they cry. When the mother returns, they will be more affectionate and interact enthusiastically with her, including kissing and hugging her, and their emotions can be easily soothed. Anxious-resistant babies account for about 10%. Babies of this type show strong separation anxiety. When separated from their mother, resistant babies will feel strongly uneasy, cry incessantly, and find it difficult to comfort them. When their mothers come back again, they will actively try to contact them.Mom, but will show resistance or even anger to her mother\’s comforting behavior. Babies have various needs. When they are hungry, pee, or have diarrhea, they will express their emotions through crying. If parents understand the reasons or needs of their children for crying in time and respond to them, the baby can establish a relationship with their parents. Emotional attachment. If parents ignore their children\’s needs for a long time, do not respond to their children\’s cries, or even beat and scold them frequently, the child will form avoidant attachment, and he will curl up to avoid harm. If both parents have different views on the child\’s upbringing, or their moods change, and they are affectionate to the child and neglect him at other times, or change caregivers frequently, the child will develop an anxious attachment relationship. Attachment relationships have a great influence on the development of children\’s abilities. We often see many parents trying to improve their children\’s social skills by taking emotional intelligence classes. In fact, acquired training has a very limited impact on emotional intelligence. Most of the shaping of emotional intelligence comes from the attachment relationship between children and their parents. Children with secure attachment are confident and safe, and can easily develop mature communication skills, and are more comfortable and active in communicating with others. In adolescence, securely attached children tend to be less likely to engage in rebellious behaviors such as truancy and fighting because they have better emotional control abilities. Children with anxious-resistant attachment tend to be insecure and emotionally unstable. They often show shyness, anxiety and other emotions in social interactions, and are often worried that others will not like them. Sometimes he will cry and make a fuss for no apparent reason. This is a behavior manifested after the internalization of anxiety, because he cannot feel the care of his parents. He uses this method to gain attention and seek the attention of his parents. Children with anxious-avoidant attachment are often relatively indifferent to people and things around them, and their emotions are relatively calm, but they are very sensitive and suspicious inside. They seem to be indifferent to people and things, but in fact they are full of needs. After externalization, there are more behavioral problems, such as beating and scolding parents, attacking partners, and bullying the weak. Their emotional management ability is relatively poor. Of these three types of relationships, secure attachment is the healthiest and most normal. A secure child is more confident when growing up and feels that he has the ability to explore the outside world, so he will be more confident in interacting with others and less shy, and he will also learn how to love others. Psychologically speaking, 0 to 3 years old is an important stage for babies to establish a close attachment relationship with their parents. If parents lack care for their children at this stage, they will not establish a secure attachment relationship with their parents. When children grow up, they will not be too close to their parents. And such children are prone to rebellion. Therefore, parents must not miss the critical period of their children’s attachment relationship. Pay attention to children\’s needs and respond promptly. The establishment of an attachment relationship requires parents to pay attention to their children\’s various emotional expressions. Infants and young children often cry to express their needs. Parents should put aside their mobile phones and television and pay attention to their children\’s needs. Is the child hungry or thirsty? Is it time for the child to sleep? If children can feel their parents\’ attention, they will develop a sense of security and trust. On the other hand, if parents always ignore their children\’s cries intentionally or unintentionally, and the children\’s needs are not met, a situation will develop.Cause insecure attachment. Spend more time with your children. You should always check whether you are busy with work and neglecting your children. No one can replace the company of your parents, so you should spend as much time with your children as possible during the critical period for establishing a secure attachment relationship. Children are very sensitive to their parents\’ emotions. When parents are happy, their children will also be relaxed and happy. Parents should manage their emotions well in front of their children to avoid infecting their children with too many negative emotions. Face your child\’s crying. When children express their emotions through crying, don\’t get bored, and try to meet the child\’s needs in a timely manner with the right things that can be met. If something is unreasonable or beyond your ability, tell him firmly: Mom and Dad can\’t do it. Then use reasonable methods, divert attention, etc. to prevent the child from crying. Use the correct method of separation. At the entrance of the kindergarten, I often see many parents putting their children down and sneaking away. Some parents look back three times at a time, with runny noses and tears. This wrong way of saying goodbye can make children feel insecure and create anxiety. If you want to leave, you should let your child know in advance and tell yourself when you will be back. Come back on time at the agreed time and say hello to your child: Mom is back! The child may cry and not understand at first, but after a few times, a vague concept will form in his little mind: Mom will leave temporarily, but she will come back soon. Slowly, even if he is reluctant to let his mother leave, he will learn to control his emotions. Experts from the Child Development Graduate School of an American university followed 174 children for 6 years and concluded that when a child\’s IQ is certain, the infant\’s attachment pattern and degree to its parents is the most obvious factor in the child\’s future academic achievement. the elements of. Undoubtedly, compared to anxious-avoidant and anxious-resistant styles, secure attachment relationships are the basis for good interpersonal relationships throughout a child\’s life and are also a positive factor that affects children\’s academic and career achievements.