The shadow of your parents is deeply hidden in your marriage

In \”The Unbearable Lightness of Being\”, there are many descriptions of the influence of parents on their children\’s marriage that is difficult to detect. When Franz first met Sabina, he said to her in a solemn tone as if Columbus had just seen the American coast: \”Sabina, you are a woman.\” He emphasized the word \”woman\” and said to him The word is not used to refer to one of the two genders of human beings, but to represent a value. Not all women can be called women. Franz\’s wife, Marie-Claude, loved him so much that when they had only known each other for a few months, she threatened him with suicide if he abandoned her. Franz felt that he was not worthy of such a great love, and he believed that he should bow his head deeply to this love. Deep in his heart, there is a strong and inevitable self-requirement: never hurt Marie-Claude, and respect the woman in her. Not respect for Marie-Claude, but respect for the woman in her. However, Marie-Claude is a woman in her own right, and who is the other woman hidden in her that he must respect? It\’s her mother. He loved his mother, not some woman in her. When he was about twelve years old, Franz\’s father suddenly abandoned her one day, leaving her alone. Franz realized that something serious had happened, but his mother concealed the truth carefully in order not to cause harm to him. That day, when they were going out for a walk in the city, Franz noticed that his mother was wearing the wrong pair of shoes. He was very uneasy and wanted to remind her, but he was afraid of hurting her. He walked with his mother on the street for two hours, never taking his eyes off her feet. From that moment on, he began to understand what pain was. He loves his mother, so he insists on the belief that loyalty is the first virtue, which makes our lives complete and unified. So even though Marie-Claude was not that lovable to him, her love for him was unparalleled in his opinion. For Sabina, it is not loyalty that attracts her, but betrayal. When she was fourteen she fell in love with a boy of the same age. Her father was so horrified that she was not allowed to go out alone for a whole year. My father always enjoyed painting the sunset hanging on the treetops or the roses in the vase. One day he showed her some Picasso reproductions and laughed at the paintings. Since she has no right to love that boy of the same age, she can at least love Cubist art. After graduating from high school, she went to Prague, feeling relieved that she could finally betray her home. But in the Academy of Fine Arts, you are not allowed to paint like Picasso, and you must follow the painting methods required by the academy. Her desire to betray her father remains unfulfilled. Later she married a mediocre Prague actor for the simple reason that he had a bad reputation as a deviant and both fathers found him unacceptable. Some people may say that literary works are not equivalent to real life. In fact, in reality, too many people have their parents’ shadows hidden in their marriages. A is a girl who married far away. As an only child, when she was very young, her mother told her not to go far away in the future, but to find a man in this city to marry, and the family would be together forever. A’s father is in business.I am usually very busy at work and have a lot of social activities. In A\’s impression, father equals money. Their father bought all their food, clothing, and accommodation. Her mother plays with her, makes her food, sends her to school, and helps her with her homework. If mom complains that dad doesn\’t spend time with them, dad ends the argument with \”How do I have time?\” There wasn\’t much quarreling at home, and there wasn\’t much warmth either. As he gets older, A feels the low pressure that has been hanging over his family for a long time. A father who never comes home, a mother who is often unhappy. Relatives all envied her mother for marrying a man who could make money. As a child, A often wondered why her mother was not happy after marrying such a good man. Because his mother was often unhappy, A did not dare to appear too happy, so he was described as \”stable and sensible\” at a young age. Later, A was admitted to a university in other provinces and had a boyfriend. In terms of looks, grades, and family background, this boy is not as good as an A in any aspect. But A was deeply attracted to him. Even she couldn\’t explain what it was about him that attracted her. In short, she was happy to be with him. My boyfriend\’s home is local. During the holidays, he took her home. The boyfriend\’s parents were very happy when they heard that their son was going to bring his girlfriend home. A and her boyfriend arrived at his house and saw his father wearing an apron and working in the kitchen. His mother smiled brightly and stopped placing the fruit plate to welcome her arrival. Although it was the first time we met, there was no feeling of restraint. The house is not big, but it is full of warmth and comfort that life should have. During lunch time, her boyfriend\’s parents warmly asked her to eat more and asked her if she was adapting to school and whether she could get used to the food in the cafeteria. The boyfriend peeled shrimps for A, and the boyfriend\’s father peeled shrimps for his mother. No one thought there was anything wrong. It seemed that everything was as it should be. After A graduated, she did not follow her parents\’ arrangements and go home to take the civil service exam. Instead, she stayed in the city where her boyfriend was, married him, and became a girl who married far away. After getting married, her boyfriend\’s parents treated her like their own daughter, and her boyfriend (husband) treated her as warmly and peacefully as ever, just like his father treated his mother for decades. A said that she once thought that her father was a good man and her mother should be happy. When I met my boyfriend and his family, I realized that there is no right or wrong about happiness. Personal feelings and experiences can deceive others, but they cannot deceive yourself. B chose her current husband because he was willing to listen to her. B said that his parents have been quarreling ever since he can remember. Small quarrels occur every day, big quarrels occur every day, and bowls and pots are smashed. The only way parents communicate is by quarreling. Neither of them had the patience to listen to the other, nor could they understand what the other said. If they disagree, they start a quarrel. B, who grew up in such an environment, was taciturn and withdrawn. Due to long-term family pressure, he was unable to concentrate on his studies, so he went out to work as soon as he graduated from high school. While working, B dated several boyfriends one after another. Whenever they had a quarrel, B would break up. No matter how hard her boyfriend tried to stay, she remained unmoved. B slowly lost confidence in relationships and thought he would be alone in his life and die alone. Even so, she didn\’t want to get into a turbulent marriage with another person. When she was thirty years old, B met her current husband. They were introduced to each other,He is divorced and has no children. He doesn\’t talk much, but when he is with him, B feels very relaxed and not as pressured as before when he was in love. When she was with him, B would talk more. No matter what she said, he would listen with interest, nodding and answering a few sentences from time to time. B knew, he understood what she meant. They have been together for more than a year, and there are occasional disputes, but no quarrels. B said she didn\’t like to quarrel, and he said he didn\’t like it either. After they got married, he understood and tolerated B\’s emotions. He would listen patiently to what she had to say and would not deny her feelings. With his company, B gradually got out of the shadow of his parents\’ quarrel and became cheerful. Children’s marriages contain the shadow of their parents. The way parents get along forms the child\’s initial impression of marriage. The way a child interacts with parents of the opposite sex affects his intimate relationships. If a girl admires and likes her father and has lived with her father\’s encouragement and support since childhood, her father will become her criterion for choosing a mate. If her father did not participate in her growth, or if her father\’s image is too short and weak, and she has not received the affirmation and protection from her father, she will reject and look down on men, while at the same time longing for the love and warmth from men. Difficulty developing or developing disordered intimate relationships. If a boy grows up in a family where his father loves his mother and his mother respects his father, he will long to marry a woman who is as gentle as his mother and become a man who deserves respect like his father and respects his wife. If a boy grows up in a patriarchal family that does not respect women, he will see his mother swallowing her anger while his father bosses him around. Either he becomes like his father and marries a woman without self. Either out of love for his mother, he sacrifices himself and marries a woman who bosses him around. It is also difficult to develop healthy and intimate relationships. I remember reading this sentence: The sign of success as a parent is not to see how successful the child is, but to see whether the child\’s marriage is happy. Couples in happy marriages experience less physical illness, less substance abuse, and less anxiety and depression. Without physical illness, mental health is the foundation of a person\’s happiness.