Are you worried that your children can only receive praise and cannot be criticized? In fact, you made a mistake in this regard

One thing that bothers me recently is that edamame cannot withstand criticism. Whenever I criticize him in front of others, he gets very angry. Once, Maodou was playing with his cousins. He pushed his cousin anxiously. I turned to Maodou and said, \”Maodou, why are you pushing people!\” Then, Maodou suddenly became angry, He crossed his arms and raised them in front of his chest, and said with a cry in his voice, \”Huh! I don\’t like you talking about me.\” Another time, when Maodou and his friends were riding a scooter, someone in front of the scooter accidentally fell. The wheel rubbed against the heel of the friend in front, scratching a piece of skin. The little friend was shocked and hurt, threw off the scooter and started crying. I turned around and said a few words to Maodou, and his behavior also surprised me. He turned around and left, turning his back to me and crying. I asked people around me, and many of them said that the same is true for their children: \”I can only listen to good words, not criticism; I can only praise, but not point out mistakes.\” So, are children too fragile, or are we criticizing wrongly? An experiment subverted my point of view. Columbia University once conducted such an experiment. The leader of this experiment is Carol Dweck, the famous figure who proposed the \”growth mindset\”. Please click here to enter a picture description. Several teachers said to a group of children: \”Imagine you are building a house with building blocks, but you forgot to put in the windows.\” The teacher then used three different ways to criticize the children. , and record the changes in children\’s mentality. These three ways of criticism are: 1. Criticism directed at the child personally. For example: I am very disappointed in you! 2. Criticism that points out erroneous results. For example: The way you built it is not right, the window is not built in. \”3. Process-oriented criticism. For example: Maybe you can think of another way to do it better. Next, we tested the children\’s self-esteem, sense of competence and other indicators under these three criticism methods. The conclusion is: Adult criticism The method will affect the child\’s personality and thinking. 1. \”I am very disappointed in you! This is not the right way for you to match up! ——These \”result-oriented\” criticism methods will make children have low self-esteem and a sense of powerlessness. The children thought they would be \”so sad that they just wouldn\’t play.\” 2. \”Maybe you can think of another way to build it better. – With this kind of process-oriented criticism, children will be more active and willing to try more. Children will \”spend time to build it again\”, \” \”Tear down the roof and put the windows back on\”, \”Admit sincerely that you haven\’t finished it, then use scissors to cut out the shape of the window, and use glue to put it on the building blocks, so that you can make up for the mistake of not putting up the window.\” At this point, I already understand why Edamame (perhaps many children are like this) is so intolerant of being criticized. Of course, Edamame\’s natural temperament tends to be a bit thin-skinned, but more importantly, it\’s because my criticism method is wrong. The moment a child makes a mistake, by looking at the faces of our adults, we already understand that they have done something wrong. So if we keep saying \”You are wrong!\” it has no constructive effect other than exacerbating their sense of shame and evoking their guilt. To put it bluntly, apart from making the children uncomfortableOther than that, it’s useless! However, Chinese parents have been fond of using \”personal evaluation\” and \”result-oriented\” criticism as tools to urge their children to improve for a long time. We often hear the following criticisms: \”You child, why did you spill the water again!\” \”Why did you hit someone?\” When our criticism only points out the child\’s wrong results without any corrections to help the child grow Sometimes, this kind of criticism will hurt the self-esteem of the child who is eager for your support, and finally give him a sense of failure, \”It turns out that I can\’t do anything.\” For a child like Maodou who has a naturally high self-esteem, if I criticize him in front of outsiders, he will be extremely uncooperative, let alone correct his mistakes. So, how should you criticize your children? Let’s briefly talk about how we should use “growth mindset” to criticize children. The first point is: when asking questions, ask the child in an impersonal tone, \”What happened here?\” instead of starting with \”you\”: \”What happened to you?/What did you do to XXX? What did you just do?\” The second point is to find out where the child can improve without focusing on the child\’s results. Say to your children: \”What should we do next time so that we don\’t repeat the same mistake?\” or \”How can we do better than last time?\” As long as we criticize correctly, children will form a \”growth mindset.\” I will regard mistakes as an opportunity to be infinitely close to being right, and I will not feel embarrassed because \”my parents criticized me\”. Here’s a real-life example. In our kindergarten, Little Y in the class is a rather naughty child. Once he was playing with another kid in the class who was quiet and honest, and I took care of the others. After a while, the honest child started crying, and Xiao Y stood aside at a loss. I asked a little anxiously: \”Little Y, what did you do?\” Little Y didn\’t speak and just looked at the ground. The principal on the side has been watching all this. She waved her hand and said to me: \”You can\’t ask that.\” She called the two children to her side and hugged them. Little Y, who was better at language expression, Asked: \”What happened (what happened here)? Could you tell me?\” Xiao Y then told the truth. It turned out that he wanted to give the boy a toy gun to play with, so he knelt down and installed the bolt for him. However, before the bolt was installed, the boy was eager to get it. Little Y wanted him to wait a little longer, so he pushed him, and then the boy cried. It turns out that what you saw was only the last scene, which is a one-sided truth. But in fact, how kind-hearted the child is! When I started the question with \”you\”, Xiao Y must have felt uncomfortable. He felt that the adult had already preset the position and the mistake was his. So he would rather not speak than defend himself. When the principal asked him more neutral and descriptive questions, he was willing to open up and tell what was on his mind. The principal then asked: \”Little Y, I feel your kindness, you did a great job. Now let\’s think about it, if we want others to wait for a while next time, how should we improve our expression?\” Little Y immediatelyWith their eyes full of joy, they discussed different expressions with the principal, and they came up with ways such as \”using words, gestures, and lowering the voice.\” Children who have lived in the \”growth criticism style\” for a long time like the word \”improvement\” the most. They are no longer afraid of mistakes. Time after time, they become better through mistakes. I watched from the side and was deeply moved. Too many of our parents also use criticism as a form of punishment, thinking that criticism will make their children feel ashamed and uncomfortable, so that they can \”long their memory\” and not make the same mistake next time. But what about the actual effect? I found that the way we are accustomed to criticizing not only hurts the close relationship between us and our children, but also makes children feel low self-esteem and ineffective that they can do nothing. It also fails to prevent mistakes from happening again. Every time a child makes a mistake, analyze with the child \”how to do better next time\” so that the child can learn from the mistake. Too many of us parents see mistakes as bad and something to be avoided, but this is what Dweck calls \”rigid thinking.\” The really good way is to see mistakes as a great learning opportunity. Let children have an open mind and face a world with no standard answers ahead. There is a lot of knowledge in criticism. Will you choose the one that is better for your children?