The result of \”fighting\” with your children is that both sides will suffer losses. It\’s time to try the third method.

It is absolutely true that children are their parents’ “demon mirror.” Recently, Ogawa\’s ability to \”repay others with his own way\” has greatly increased. A few mornings ago, he insisted on running in the Riverside Park far away from home before going to kindergarten: \”I have to go for a run in the Riverside Park. There is no need to negotiate!\” \”\’No need to negotiate\’, does it sound familiar?\” Father Sichuan teased me, \”What\’s your latest catchphrase!\” It seems like, recently, I asked Xiaochuan to practice piano, play chess, etc., and when he rambled on and didn\’t want to do it, I would end the tug-of-war with this sentence: \” There is no need to discuss, hurry up and do it!\” Alas, the child has grown up, is difficult to take care of, and is disobedient. Are we really going to start \”discussing winning or losing\” between mother and child? We all know that conflicts between the needs of parents and children are inevitable in every family and will happen sooner or later. There is always something strange about a parent-child relationship that has never been in conflict, just like a marriage relationship where \”we have treated each other as guests for decades and have never blushed\”. These are very familiar scenes: we are in a hurry to go out, but he is still building blocks and playing with dolls; we are so tired that we ask him to finish his homework quickly and go to bed, but he is always grinding; we feel that there is nothing He insists on buying meaningful things, but he cannot treasure them; or simply, we want to go east, but he insists on going west, we say to walk slowly, but he insists on running hard… Conflict is inevitable, so the key to the problem is , when there is a conflict with our children, how will we choose to deal with it? The developer of the PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) course, Dr. Thomas Gordon from the United States, has found in long-term interactions with many parents that most people use the perspective of \”win or lose\” when facing conflicts with their children. . The first method is that parents use the authority of adults and \”must let them know who is the boss in the family.\” Orders and threats to their children must be carried out according to the wishes of adults. The result is that the parents win and the children lose. The second way is for parents to give in to their children because they are afraid of conflict, a tantrum, or simply want to meet the child\’s needs as much as possible. The result is that parents lose and children win. Although the two methods have different results, they are often ineffective. 1. Parents use authority to “win” in conflicts. In our eyes, this is often a shortcut to quickly resolve conflicts. Especially those of the grandparents generation think this way, \”Why bother with your children? A long discussion is not as useful as a slap!\” But from the perspective of children, this is not the case. Children do not want to implement the plans set by their parents. They obey only because they are afraid of being blamed or punished by their parents. Therefore, when doing things, they often do things in a perfunctory and perfunctory way. What\’s even worse is that because they feel \”forced\” by their parents, children may feel unfair and even angry and resentful. Over time, the seeds for the deterioration of the parent-child relationship were sown, and resentment slowly replaced love and affection. Another bad result is that children who grow up under the compulsory orders of their parents for a long time lack the opportunity to develop a spirit of self-discipline. When they grow up, they usually become people who need to rely on external authority to control their behavior. The way my parents disciplined me was typical of this type (I believe that many people of our generation have had similar experiences to me), which led me to lack of assertiveness for a long time. I was unwilling or even afraid to say \”no\” to other people\’s unreasonable demands. I often worked hard to express myself in order to gain \” recognized by important persons. Fortunately, after I entered university, during the 10 years from undergraduate to doctorate, I spent a long time studying and living alone, and my self-confidence and independent opinions were gradually cultivated. 2. Parents give in and their children \”lose\” in conflicts. A neighbor often advises me: \”Don\’t worry about Xiaochuan being too strict. He will be stupid.\” Indeed, children from families with the second method are not subject to so many restrictions. , may be more creative than children from families with the first method, but there will be some price to pay for this. They often lack the ability to control their behavior and always lose their temper to control their parents. They know what words to say to make their parents feel guilty in order to achieve their own goals. Because no matter what needs are always met, they can easily become self-centered and disrespectful people. They have become so accustomed to their parents giving in to all their demands that they expect other children to give in to them as well. Therefore, they often encounter difficulties or even resistance when getting along with their peers. The more serious consequence is that parents may be dissatisfied, angry, or even resentful of their children while yielding to their children and meeting his various needs. Children can certainly feel the tension in the parent-child relationship and the resentment from their parents. Coupled with dislike from peers, children who grow up under the second method often feel extremely insecure and feel that no one loves them. 3. The third method without losers How else can we resolve conflicts with our children without “discussing winning or losing” with our children? Dr. Gordon developed a third method in his PET course. I took a closer look, hey, isn\’t this the method used by democratic leadership in management? The objects are different, but the routine is the same. Fundamentally, the third approach is a compromise, \”no-loser\” approach, achieved by finding solutions that are acceptable to both parents and children. Specifically, it is implemented in this way: when we and our children\’s needs conflict, both parties should not be obsessed with their own requirements, but first try to come up with some possible solutions; both parties will jointly evaluate these alternatives, and finally find a solution that both parties can achieve. Accepted final solution. For example, as mentioned at the beginning, Xiaochuan wanted to go for a run in the Riverside Park before going to school, and I insisted that he go to kindergarten immediately. Seeing that the conflict was about to break out, I tried the third method and provided him with a series of new options: instead of going for a run in the Riverside Park today, I would go on the weekend and go directly to the kindergarten; I would go for a run in a nearby small park today. Then go to kindergarten; go for a run in Binhe Park today and accept the result of being late for kindergarten;… After careful analysis together, we found that both parties can accept the second option. So, we happily went for a run in a nearby small park, and then happily went to the kindergarten without being late at all. As for why the third method works? there are many reasons. Through communication, parents discover their children’s real troubles. As we discussed a few days ago, one day the child suddenlyI don’t want to go to kindergarten anymore. In the first method, his parents would force him to go regardless; in the second method, his parents would unconditionally agree that he doesn\’t have to go. Neither approach actually really solves the problem. When we use the third method to communicate openly and honestly with the child and find solutions, we may be able to discover the real reason why he is unwilling to go – he is worried that his parents will forget to pick him up. Children feel trusted and respected by their parents, and will be willing to consider their parents\’ needs. Children are more motivated to implement decisions they participate in. This has been proven time and time again in business management. As a child grows up, it is the process of shaping his personality and autonomy, and he slowly begins to have his own ideas and preferences. We still think that it is impossible and inappropriate for him to be obedient to us like he was when he was a child. Therefore, conflicts between parents and children are inevitable and natural. As long as it is faced and resolved actively, it will not affect the parent-child relationship, but also provide children with the opportunity to learn how to deal with conflicts and prepare for their future. However, stop \”fighting\” with your children and try the third, more effective method.