\”Everything is for your own good\” is really for the sake of the children?

When I was a child, the thing I was most afraid of was my mother telling me, \”I\’m doing this for your own good.\” When I was in elementary school, if I didn\’t do well in an exam, my mother would pick up the book and hit my palm, \”Who told you to be disobedient, and it wasn\’t for your own good!?\” After my mother and father quarreled, she would always say to me, \”If it wasn\’t for your own good, , we divorced a long time ago.\” When I grew up, whether it was about studies or love and marriage, my mother always talked about her ideas and repeatedly told her to listen to her. The euphemistic name is: \”I am doing this for your own good, I am afraid that you will suffer a loss.\” To be honest, when I hear my mother say \”everything is for me,\” I feel a strong sense of guilt. My mother sacrificed her time for self-improvement in order to study with me, and endured an unhappy marriage in order for me to grow up in a stable family. I feel like I am a sinner and I can never repay my debt to my mother. Therefore, I have to tolerate and accept her emotions and experiences, even though I can\’t. As I grew up, I found that many people around me had the same feelings as me. My friend Mina said this to me: My parents always say that frugality is all for me, so I feel very low self-esteem and feel very guilty towards my parents. However, our family is actually not poor. After I woke up, I felt huge anger in my heart, knowing that they had kidnapped me. I can\’t love them anymore. Growing up, too many people told us that parents’ love for their children is selfless. In order to protect their children, they often need to make choices between career and family, and worry about their children\’s study, life, interests and other things. However, are parents really just doing this \”for the sake of their children?\” There are actually many other levels of meaning hidden in the words \”I am doing this for your own good\”. I do it for your own good. You have to listen to me. Many women whose husbands have cheated on me say to their children: \”I do it for your own good and I don\’t want to divorce.\” The implication is: I have suffered so much for you. If you don\’t To be obedient would be too ignorant. The child felt serious self-blame and secretly told himself: In order to compensate his mother, he must be obedient. In addition, which school to go to, what major to apply for, who to marry… Such parents will take care of everything in the name of \”for your own good\”. This isn\’t really for the child\’s benefit, it\’s control. Children are miserable when they are around their parents and long to get rid of them. After leaving their parents, they are at a loss and find it difficult to make decisions on their own. For your own good, I don’t have to worry. A common complaint in the circle of friends is: raising children is too stressful! These mothers should buy imported milk powder, have comprehensive early childhood education, and attend private aristocratic primary schools… Even if their family conditions are not good, they cannot let their children lose at the starting line. The wide variety of tutoring classes is not so much for the future of the children as it is to appease the anxiety of parents. However, how many parents have asked their children if they are willing? Friend B has been a \”child of other people\” since he was a child, and he was reluctant to win prizes in various competitions. When she was in college, she once said: My mother had a free job and spent a lot of time with me, saying everything was for me. My dad also said that I made him feel proud. For a long time, I felt that I had been burdened with the meaning of my parents\’ life. I didn\’t dare to do what I really liked, for fear that if I made a mistake, it would destroy the whole family. Everything \”for the good of the children\” is essentially an escape. fatherThe mother is worried about being eliminated by society and lacks room for growth, so she puts all the pressure of growth on her children. Everyone can only be responsible for themselves. Children cannot bear the weight of other people\’s lives. For your own good, it is for my own good. Parents who had a difficult life when they were young are more inclined to over-satisfy their children materially. What they often say is: I don’t want my children to have a childhood like mine. It seems that this \”for the good of the children\” has a bit of great flavor. In fact, giving the child what he thinks is best without considering his real needs stems from the narcissism of parents. Doing good to your children without restraint is projecting your \”inner child\” onto your children. Doing good for your children means doing good for yourself, and you are compensating for your childhood self. These parents hope that their children will never grow up and spend their entire lives being the projection of their \”inner child.\” If the child agrees, he will do what his parents want and will never be able to be independent. So why can’t parents express themselves openly? Because being honest carries a lot of risk. It\’s hard for people to accept their true selves, and it\’s the same when you become a parent. We often feel like we’re not good enough to open up and share our feelings with others because we worry that people won’t love us if they know who we really are. Parents are the same with their children, they are afraid of showing their inner weakness and ruining their image in their children\’s minds. When a mother gets angry at her child because her work is not going well, how can she tell her child that it was because she was criticized by her boss? It can only be blamed on the child\’s disobedience. Similarly, parents cannot tell their children about their inner anxiety, panic, desire for control, and sense of meaninglessness… Everything that cannot be said comes down to \”I am doing it for your own good.\” Due to moral pressure, parents cannot accept their own desires. Not only do children bear the pressure of filial piety, but parents also bear the pressure of \”unconditional love for their children.\” That is: as parents, every action must be based on the interests of the child, and everything must be for the sake of the child. good. Even if parents are aware of the conflict of interest with their children, they dare not express it out of political correctness. Unable to accept that as a parent, I still have various desires, and can only beautify \”for myself\” into \”for the child.\” \”I\’m doing it for myself.\” If parents can realize this, it will be much easier. Unconditional love is just a direction to work towards, not a destination that must be reached. As a parent, you don’t need to be perfect, just being honest is enough. Even if parents love their children, there will be moments of vulnerability and powerlessness. As a parent, of course you can have your own needs. In fact, parents and children are meeting each other\’s needs. Children gradually grow up due to the care of their parents, and parents experience a richer life due to the arrival of their children. Although anxiety, panic, control, and sense of meaninglessness cannot be solved immediately, we can acknowledge their existence and no longer put them in the box of \”good for the children.\” At the same time, let yourself work hard to become the kind of person you want your children to be, rather than forcing your children to work hard. Perhaps parents can ask themselves: \”What have I gained in the process of raising children? Have I become a better me?\” Instead of worrying about: \”Am I good enough to my children?\” Or the friend at the beginning said: Only after raising children did I knowYes, raising children is such a joy. I never felt that I was trying very hard to be good to my children. That was something I was willing to do, and I knew that he would love his children like this in the future. I don\’t want him to be willing to sacrifice everything for me. Because it only makes sense for people to pass on love from generation to generation.