How did I change from a legal mother to a Buddhist mother?

In the past, I was more like a legal mother. This winter, Chengzi always complained that his throat felt uncomfortable. I asked him to drink a little water before going to bed every day. He would feel much better when he got up in the morning, but Chengzi always forgot about it. That day, Chengzi had already gotten into bed, and I asked, \”Did you drink water?\” Chengzi stuck out his tongue and said, \”I forgot.\” It was obvious that he was too lazy to get up from the bed and go to the kitchen to drink water. Well, I went to get a glass of water and gave it to the orange. Chengzi was a little surprised and said with a smile: \”Thank you, Mom.\” Is this approach very Buddhist? You know, a few years ago, I was more of a “legal” mom. When encountering a similar situation, I will directly issue an order: \”Get up and drink water.\” I know that Orange will obediently get up and drink water, although it is a bit reluctant – how can we develop good habits without any coercion? Later, I learned to turn myself around and walk away. My inner OS: Drinking water is his own business. If he drinks too little water, his throat will hurt, so let him feel the pain once and learn a lesson. He will remember to drink water next time. However, since it is my own child after all, I am still worried that his throat will be sore, and I want to correct his behavior, but I can\’t really let go. I felt very upset, and my face naturally looked ugly – I didn’t know whether I was competing with my child or myself. Later, I found that I had new changes: I no longer insisted on \”principles\” so much, and no longer regarded these things that \”should\” be done as so important – I could do my best, and it would be okay if I couldn\’t. What made me change from the legal system to the Buddhist system? Because, through studying, I discovered a secret – something 10,000 times more important than adhering to \”principles\” and letting children learn \”rules\” – the emotional connection between me and my children, and the way I handle things has a profound impact on me. The subtle influence of children. From the legal system to the Buddhist system, my mental journey is to realize that in one thing, what we teach our children are actually two sets of things. One is superficial: such as various rules and principles. One is deep-seated: how we teach our children rules, the way and attitude we deal with this matter, we unintentionally set an example for our children, and pass our outlook on life and values ​​to our children – these are very important to our children. The impact is even more profound. For example, I let Orange drink water. I ordered Orange to drink water, once, twice and three times. Maybe Orange could develop the habit of drinking water. However, in addition, he also learned to use coercion and command to solve problems. What he learned in the parent-child relationship was the command-submission model, and as he grew older, he applied this model to his relationships. When he gets along with others, he is either the strong one or the submissive one. Apart from this, he does not know or know other modes. More importantly, because he has been accustomed to his mother treating him in this way since he was a child, this pattern has taken root in his subconscious, and he will not realize that he is thinking in this way. This became his character, his instinct, his destiny. For the same thing about drinking water, I didn’t make Orange “must” drink water, but brought him water. From my approach, he realized that there are not so many \”musts\” and \”shoulds\” and many things can be done more flexibly and flexibly.Deal with it – If this doesn\’t work, you can also think of a workaround. You know, many, many people\’s troubles come from the \”musts\” and \”shoulds\” they think they have in their minds. When a person sticks to the rules and regulations in his mind, as long as the people and things in the outside world do not meet his \”necessities\”, he will feel pain, trouble, and anger. More importantly, Chengzi realized the warmth of the relationship in this incident, realized that his mother loved him, that he was good and deserved to be treated warmly. The emotional connection between us is strengthened. A child who grows up in warmth and love has a warm background in life and is relaxed in interpersonal relationships. He does not need to worry about being criticized or punished all the time. Such a person will have more happiness. He has confidence in himself, confidence in the world, and goodwill. If I force Cheng Zi to do something, even by beating and scolding, although my intention is good and for the sake of the child, what he will receive in terms of feelings is attack and hurt – even though on a rational level, he He also knew that his mother did this for his own good. Feelings will enter a person\’s subconscious mind and have a more profound impact on a person\’s future than reason. This is why many people will say when they grow up: I know my parents are also good for me and they love me. However, they still develop a lot of problems and carry them to the next generation. They only \”know\” but do not \”feel\” the love of their parents because the emotional connection with their parents is broken – broken through repeated force, reprimand, and beating. This is the difference between the legal system and the Buddhist system: one has thunderbolt methods, the other is compassionate; one wins a battle, but loses the entire war; the other seems to have lost a battle, but wins the entire war. How to be a Buddhist mother? At this point, some people will definitely ask: \”In order to maintain the parent-child relationship, shouldn\’t we not follow the rules?\” \”Ignore the child and let him follow his temper. Isn\’t that doting?\” \”We have to maintain the parent-child relationship, but also have to How should I teach my children rules?\” First of all, there must be rules. But we need to distinguish which ones are the real rules and which ones are just self-righteous thoughts in our minds. What many people call rules are actually just \”self-righteousness\” and \”taken for granted\” in their minds. They are biased, limited, and untenable. Such rules are just trivial controls, large and small, layered on top of each other, which can only restrain children until they can\’t breathe. Secondly, regardless does not really care, regardless ≠ doting. Children must be managed, but they must be managed quietly and subtly. On the basis of not forming confrontation or conflict with the child, guide him and stimulate his inner energy to grow. A few years ago, I read a short story in a book by teacher Yin Jianli: a child was fascinated by playing games, lunch was already on the table, and the mother called for dinner several times, but the child always said to wait a while. What would you do if you were a mother? Throw away the rice and starve him, so he will know to eat on time next time. Serve food to your children and eat whenever they want. Teacher Yin chose the second option. At that time, I didn’t quite understand why I was doing this. Isn’t this child-indulging? Now, I understand more or less. When our body and mind soften and relax, we will find that there is nothing in this worldThere are so many \”shoulds\” and \”musts\” – behind these rules and regulations, there is actually still a fear of losing control. When we lose our fear, become stronger in our hearts, have confidence in ourselves, we will also have confidence in our children, and we will not worry that our children will fall. Love, freedom, and respect will not make people degrade, they will only make people value themselves more and become better and better. Finally, in order for a child to understand the rules, does it have to make him feel sad and ashamed? How many parents have such deep-rooted ideas in their minds: Punishment and reprimand–→make the child feel uncomfortable and ashamed–→then he will remember. Yes, this may have an immediate effect and the child will remember it firmly. However, the destruction of the parent-child relationship and the pent-up anger, grievance, and fear in the child\’s heart will affect the child\’s lifelong happiness. Which one is more important, needless to say. He won a city and a pool, but lost the entire kingdom. This is a mistake many parents make. So, what should we do? Rather than punishing afterward, it is better to prevent in advance. Punishment and reprimands mean that you and the problem are on the opposite side of the child. Prevention is when you and your child work together to solve problems. Let’s talk about orange drinking water. In order to prevent Chengzi from forgetting again, one night, Chengzi and I made a list of things to do before going to bed: wash up, drink water, apply lipstick, and pack schoolbags. I said: \”You have to do all these things before going to bed every day, and then I will go to sleep with you. If there are any omissions, I won\’t be able to \’start\’ it.\” Chengzi readily agreed. After that, I only need to remind you simply: \”Have you finished the whole set?\” Later, I simply simplified it to two words: \”Full set?\” Now, Chengzi will basically never forget it again. After finishing all the several things, He would run up to me, stand at attention with his little back straight, and salute: \”Mom, you\’re done, come over and sleep with me!\” Everyone was happy. The Story of a Legal Dad Finally, let me tell you the story of a legal dad. A reader complained to me about her husband. He is a good person, not bad in nature, but he has a bad temper. When he loses his temper, he seems to be a different person, with thorns all over his body. The child was careless in his homework and tore up his homework book in one go. The wife said: Today\’s food is a bit salty, so he can throw away all the food immediately. The wife is very aware of her husband\’s problems. When my husband was a child, his father had a very bad temper and was very strict with him. Compared with my brother who was always at odds with his father, my husband was very obedient and obedient when he was young, but as he grew up, his temper became more and more like his father\’s. Once when I came home during the Chinese New Year, my father scolded my husband again. My husband suddenly exploded: \”Don\’t talk about me again!\” He threw a bench to pieces. My husband loves his father very much, but because of his father\’s strictness over the years, they can\’t get close to each other. As a man in his forties, he does not allow others to say that he has any problems and is unwilling to be controlled at all. The relationship between husband and wife has always been tense. During the quarrel, he shouted: \”None of you want to control me. Whoever wants to control me, leave!\” This man\’s father used Legalist methods to establish rules and make his children obedient. However, he won one battle but lost the entire war – his children\’s life-long happiness and joy.