Why don’t punishment and praise work? Because they are all superficial and can also damage the parent-child relationship.

Stop punishing your kids because it doesn\’t work! What you need is this 5-step action guide… and stop praising your children. Try to use \”encouragement\” instead. Some sisters find it incredible. It is understandable that punishment is ineffective. Opposite praise is also ineffective. The roads at both ends are blocked. Now, what else can we do as parents? Indeed, it seems that punishment and praise are like either/or multiple-choice questions. Either punishment or praise (reward). If neither is effective, there is nothing you can do. But if you change the angle, you will find what they have in common. Punishment and praise are both means of behavior modification. In general, whether we punish or praise a child, the purpose is the same – to correct his behavior. Through praise, we hope that he will continue to do the behavior that meets our expectations; through punishment, we hope that he will stop doing the behavior that we do not like to see. Fundamentally, these practices are derived from Skinner’s reinforcement theory. Based on the study of a series of operant reflexes in animals and people, Skinner believed that people\’s subsequent behavior can be adjusted by giving feedback such as positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, extinction and/or punishment. One of the most famous experiments is the mouse feeding experiment. Put the hungry white mouse into the wooden box. There is a small lever in the wooden box, hooked to the mechanism that delivers the food pellets. When the lever is pressed, a food pellet rolls onto the food plate. At the beginning, the mouse accidentally stepped on the lever, a food pellet fell in, and then ate the food; when it stepped on the lever again, the second food pellet was released. Repeat this several times, using food as a reinforcer, the mouse\’s conditioned reflex is quickly formed, and it will continue to press the lever to obtain food until it is full. Therefore, when we praise and reward children and feed mice, they are similar in nature and both belong to the positive reinforcement type of behavior modification. When a child performs a good behavior, give him something he likes or makes him feel happy to increase the probability that the good behavior will follow. There is also negative reinforcement, which increases the probability of a certain behavior by eliminating things that the child hates or unpleasant. For example, tell your child that if he eats well, he will have to do fewer questions later. Beyond that, we can fade or punish. Punishment is easy to understand. Extinction refers to removing something a child likes to increase good behavior. For example, if a child doesn\’t eat well, cancel his opportunity to play with the iPad. By the way, there is also the \”time-out\” that is particularly hotly discussed (for example, shutting down a dark room, standing in a corner to reflect, etc.), which is also derived from Skinner\’s research findings and also belongs to the category of behavior modification. That’s why we say that the methods we commonly use to control children, such as praise, rewards, punishments, etc., look different, but in fact they are similar in nature. They also have a common problem – they are all superficial. Punishment and praise are both \”superficial\”. All behavior modification methods, including praise, rewards and punishment, only serve the superficial phenomenon of \”behavior\”, and use certain means to achieve the purpose of correcting children\’s behavior. These methods were created or verified from experiments on animals to control their behavior. Indeed, we cannot (and probably do not care to) explore the inner world of animals;Only care about its apparent behavior. But when dealing with children, we must be very careful when using these methods. We can easily fall into the trap of \”control\”. The basic human behavior pattern is this: unmet needs drive our motivation to obtain something, and motivation drives us to perform specific behaviors. For example, when a child is hungry, he feels nervous, which motivates him to want to eat, which then drives him to look for something to eat in the refrigerator. And when we \”control\” a child\’s behavior through praise and punishment, we often only look at the child\’s superficial behavior and ignore his heart. Slowly, the child begins to accept the \”behavior-obtaining rewards (punishment)\” parenting model. He no longer does things out of internal motivation, but to obtain rewards (to avoid punishment). Children read not because they want to acquire new stories and knowledge, but because their mothers will reward them with toys. In other words, external rewards, praise or punishment are likely to destroy children\’s intrinsic motivation; children are always in a state of being \”asked to do something\” by others, and it is difficult for children to develop the initiative and self-discipline of \”I want to do it\”. Praise and punishment can also damage the parent-child relationship. Psychologist Martin Hoffman once made the point that when we punish our children or use the \”time-out\” method, we are actually saying to our children that if they do something that dissatisfies us, we will We will make them unhappy in order to change their behavior. Praise and rewards aren\’t much better, says Alfie Cohen, author of \”Unconditional Parenting,\” and actually convey to children that if they do something that pleases us, we\’ll give them a sweetener in order to continue their behavior. As a result, the children gradually \”understood\” the key: when his behavior satisfies us, parents will give them love; when his behavior is inappropriate and makes us dissatisfied, parents will withdraw love from him. like. It turns out that his parents\’ love for him is conditional. This creates a rift in the parent-child relationship. The Irish Children\’s Health Agency has published a report with global influence – \”Children is first\”, which lists the \”Top Ten Emotional Abuse\” patterns suffered by children. The second one is \”Conditional Parenting, Treating Children The degree of concern is conditioned on its behavior or performance.\” Of course, most parents praise or even punish their children for their own good, because we love them. I really like and agree with this quote from Cohen\’s book \”Unconditional Parenting\”: It\’s not how we feel about our children that matters more than how they experience those feelings and think about how we treat them. I’ll be more reluctant to you. If we summarize the previous discussion in similar words: rather than us \”controlling\” what our children do, it is more important for children\’s intrinsic motivation to push \”I want to do it.\” Therefore, when dealing with children, please use punishment and praise with caution.