Parents\’ \”three incorrect views\” will lead to a tragic life for their children

My classmate D, whose parents work in the government, has a mysterious belief in being an official. The daily chats in his family basically revolve around the highest ideal of promotion. The topic that parents are most interested in is always who is getting promoted. Anyone who is helpful for promotion is a god in their family. D has been taught by his relatives since he was in elementary school, \”You have to be a monitor.\” He followed his parents to various official dinner parties since he was a child, and learned many different rules. This kind of influence made him deeply agree with the value of \”being an official is the winner in life\”. But unfortunately, he is not the material to be an official – he has no city government, no leadership skills, and his eloquence is not good. Growing up, his highest position was class representative. After graduating from graduate school, D took the civil service exam for four years and finally succeeded. It was one of the few moments in his life when he felt satisfied with himself, given the ingrained belief in his family that all careers other than civil service were inferior. It’s just that after going through a lot of hard work to get in, the road in front of you is by no means a smooth road. He has worked for eight years and is still at the bottom, with no promotion in sight. The key is that he can\’t handle complex interpersonal relationships at all and is very uncomfortable doing so. He felt that he was a special, special, special failure, and sighed deeply every day when he came home. Last year, a colleague who entered the company in the same batch as him and was two years younger than him was promoted, which directly triggered his depression, and he is still taking medicine. His wife said that after several years of being married to him, she still didn’t know what he looked like when he was happy. Except for New Year\’s Day, he rarely goes to his parents\’ house. Because his parents were always concerned about why he hadn\’t ascended yet, which undoubtedly made things worse for him. I had a long chat with D a few days ago, and I felt very deeply. In fact, in the eyes of outsiders like me, he had a good life before: he graduated from graduate school, was admitted to the civil service, has a beautiful wife and a cute son, his parents’ pension is not low, and there are two shops at home for rent. Compared with those classmates who work for others with mortgage loans, his life is not much better. But he was so depressed that he needed to take medicine all year round. Because, what he owns is not what he values. And what he values ​​​​can’t get. Fundamentally, his pain is caused by values. His family of origin has given him values ​​that are likely to make him miserable throughout his life – he clearly does not have the ability to be an official, but he insists that only being an official can reflect the value of life. How big is the gap between this ability and his ideal? So much pain. We often say that the family of origin will affect a person\’s happiness throughout his life. One of the very important and almost ignored reasons is that the family of origin basically creates a person\’s three views, and the three views will directly determine a person\’s happiness. For example, D, he has actually been a top student since he was a child and has a strong learning ability. If he was born in a knowledge-based family and has been exposed to the praise and pursuit of academically successful people since he was a child, then he will definitely feel that learning is particularly good. Thing – Children all over the world take their parents\’ words as their oracles. If their mother says earthworms are beneficial insects, then earthworms are beneficial insects. If their father says they can\’t steal things, then they can\’t steal things. If their parents say Nobel laureates are gods, then they are gods. If the earliest and most deeply embedded value in D is to be the most knowledgeable, his ambition may be to study for a Ph.D., do research and publish papers, which is incompatible with hiscapabilities are very consistent. When a person feels that a certain kind of life is the best and has the ability to realize it, he will certainly be happy. It\’s a pity that D is not so lucky. He was a top student, but his parents told him that being a monitor was better than studying well. He could have taken the Ph.D. exam, but his parents decided that taking the Ph.D. exam was not as important as taking the civil service exam. He is not suitable for being an official at all, but he stubbornly pursues this ideal that should not belong to him… Of course, it is not wrong to aspire to pursue an official career. What was wrong was that he narrowly believed that this was the only officially designated path to success. And he just didn\’t have the ability to take this path well. As a result, he can neither gain a sense of accomplishment from his strengths, but also deeply experience frustration from his weaknesses. There is no greater tragedy than this. To a certain extent, D\’s tragedy comes from his parents. But his parents definitely still don\’t feel that they did anything wrong. Even now that D is deeply depressed and instinctively wants to avoid the source of pain, they still don\’t realize why their son is unwilling to go home, and they are still discussing why he can\’t be promoted…how terrible. This is something every parent should seriously reflect on: We keep saying that we hope our children will be happy throughout their lives, but will the three views we pass on to them really make them happy? On my son’s fifth birthday, my best friend gave him an Armani coat. I cut off all the labels and asked my family not to tell him how expensive the coat was. When he was ten years old, he actually wore some big-name items, but he didn’t even know it. I will tell him how good the design and workmanship of those things are, but I will never tell him how dazzling these brands are, how cool they look when worn, and how enviable they are. I hope he knows what\’s good, but doesn\’t have excessive material vanity. Because I am not sure whether this vanity can be satisfied in the future with his abilities and mine. If he experiences the pleasure of wearing an Armani coat too early and cannot afford it in the future, then this desire for material things will harm him. For example, the female lawyer who showed off her wealth was a hot topic on the Internet some time ago. She opened her mouth and kept talking about \”50,000 yuan to buy a new bag in Paris\” and \”raised the hand wearing a Cartier watch and bracelet to comb her hair.\” As a result, netizens revealed her education and identity. He made a false statement and attracted the attention of the Guangdong Lawyers Association. In the end, he had to publicly apologize, admitting that he was \”young and ignorant\” and \”paid a heavy price for this.\” This price is due to vanity. And vanity is caused by values. If she didn\’t feel how great wearing a Cartier watch was, she wouldn\’t have made such an exaggerated story. In fact, even if this accident hadn\’t happened, I don\’t think she would be very happy. Because she worships money so much but doesn\’t have much money, the pain caused by the conflict between ability and desire is essentially the same as D. In fact, worshiping money itself is not a serious sin. If Wang Sicong worships money, there is no problem from his personal perspective. Because he has money. If a person thinks that being rich is the most important thing, and he happens to be rich, it cannot be said to be a bad thing. Or maybe Li Xiang lets her daughter wear all kinds of famous brands since she was a child, I think that’s fine too. Because based on the child’s genes and the strength of the Li Xiang family, it is estimated that the child will not be too far away from these famous brands when he grows up. The three correct views are actually very broad. We have to admit that we love money, love beauty, love being an official, and love luxury.Goods… none of these are wrong, as long as you can have them through legitimate channels. As a parent, there are two so-called bad views. One is to instigate or acquiesce in children to deceive, abduct and do bad things. This is an obvious mistake and does not need to be discussed. The other kind of \”incorrect outlook\” is much more hidden and is a mistake that countless parents often make unconsciously, which is: narrowly and stubbornly telling their children that the things they can\’t get are the best. The child obviously has no leadership skills, but you have to say that it is best to be a leader, and urge him to become a monitor since he was a child. He is obviously not sociable, and you have to make him believe that he can be successful by making friends in society. He is obviously not very good-looking, but you have to keep praising your physical beauty in front of him. You are obviously very poor, but you made him obsessed with luxury goods early on. Once he determines that the value of life is what he cannot do, he will suffer for his whole life. Therefore, smart parents will carefully examine their children\’s characteristics and try their best to help him establish three views that will make him happy. To put it simply, where his ability lies, he feels that the greatest value of life lies. He is good at learning, which makes him feel that learning is the most powerful thing. He is an artist, which makes him feel great about being an artist. He loves flowers and plants, which makes him believe that the charm of nature is better than anything else. Every child has shortcomings and strengths. We must not only teach students in accordance with their aptitude, but also guide them in accordance with their aptitude, so that their three views match their own abilities. Believing that what they are best at is the most valuable is what leads them to happiness. Door.