How much impact does the absence of parents in childhood have on children\’s future emotional choices?

Family members said that my nine-year-old niece committed suicide because her grandfather picked her up from get out of class late and her grandmother was busy taking care of her sister and did not answer her phone calls. She said that no one in the family loved her, so she might as well take medicine and die. When I heard the news, I began to think that this was a kid\’s joke, but when I thought about it carefully, I couldn\’t help but feel worried. My cousin is doing business outside all year round, and my niece was raised by her aunt since she was a child. My little niece has always been very obedient. She was already more mature and sensible than other children of the same age when she was three or four years old. She would rub her grandma\’s back, serve food to her grandpa, and take care of her uncle and aunt\’s sister… She already knew how to please adults at such a young age. , Act by looking at people’s looks. However, she behaves childishly and innocently when alone. My little niece loves Barbie dolls, and the room is filled with all kinds of Barbie dolls. Her favorite thing is to play the game of \”being a mother\” with Barbie dolls alone, and cook, make clothes, and sing songs for her Barbie babies. When playing \”play house\” with her children, she didn\’t want to play any other role except mother. Even her dream was to become a mother. Once, I helped her with her homework, and there was a question in it: \”What do you want to be when you grow up?\” We all did this question when we were children. Most children have very lofty ideals, and scientists, teachers, and astronauts are the ones. Common answers are standard, but my niece’s dream is to “be a mother.” I asked her why, and she said, \”This way I can get married, cook for the baby every day, take her to school, and never leave her.\” It seems like a childish statement, but it shows the child\’s love for a complete family and parents. desire. Psychologists say that family is a person’s first school and the source of enlightenment for emotional education in life. In the attachment theory of psychology, the earliest attachment relationship established by a person is the relationship between parents. The degree of response of parents to their children in the attachment relationship will affect the attachment style of the child throughout his life. Children with high levels of parental responsiveness will become secure, while children with low levels of parental responsiveness will become insecurely attached. Childhood is an important period for the formation of children\’s intelligence and personality. What they need most is the care and security provided by their parents. If parents are absent or absent during their children\’s childhood, they will often have low self-esteem and a severe lack of security when they become adults, and may even affect their choice of future intimate relationships. Among all female writers, Zhang Ailing\’s talent is undoubtedly amazing. Her grandmother is Li Hongzhang\’s daughter, her grandfather is Zhang Peilun, and her maternal grandfather is a general under Zeng Guofan. . Zhang Ailing was born noble, had excellent grades since childhood, and was talented. However, this noble birth did not bring her the equivalent spiritual and emotional \”nobility.\” Her works are always full of a touch of sadness. She follows the trend of the world and looks on with a cold eye. This indifference and insecurity towards the world are closely related to her childhood. Zhang Ailing\’s parents were a feudal young man with a violent personality who smoked opium and visited brothels, and the other was a new-style woman who pursued freedom and liberation from body to mind. Naturally, such two people could not coexist peacefully and grow old together. When Zhang Ailing was 4 years old, her mother left to study in Europe because she couldn\’t stand her father\’s debauchery. Zhang Ailing was raised by her mother since she was a child. Her father did not care about her and her mother was not around.A calculating old mother, a carefree father, a concubine who was a prostitute, and a younger brother who was more courageous than her. what is love? What is a complete home? She doesn\’t understand. Zhang Ailing also had a brief happy time in her childhood. When she was 8 years old, her mother came back from overseas to stay with her and taught her how to play the piano and draw. The happy Zhang Ailing excitedly wrote a three-piece letter to her playmate to show off her There is also a home and a mother. However, happiness only lasted two years. Her parents divorced, and her mother left for France. Mother\’s love and father\’s love were gone. Zhang Ailing didn\’t feel much farewell to her mother when she last saw her. She could only \”cry for myself.\” . After I turned 16, my mother returned to China, and my relationship with her became even more estranged. Everyone knows the subsequent story. Everyone knows that Zhang Ailing ran away from her father, gave up marrying for her writing, married the \”big traitor\” Hu Lancheng regardless of the opinions of others, left the mainland after being injured, and finally married a disabled old man. Throughout Zhang Ailing\’s life, although she was born into a rich family, she was like duckweed. She spent her whole life trying to catch some love, but in the end she failed to do so. This is true for family ties, and so is love. Some people say they envy Eileen Chang\’s lifelong attitude of \”I don\’t need the whole world to love me, I just love myself.\” But for those who love themselves and cry to themselves, who can say that they are not so low as dust that they cannot bloom, fearing that they will not be able to catch love in the end, and passively choose to give up on themselves? Some people say that if people do not receive enough love from their parents in childhood, they will spend their entire lives begging for love from others in an extremely humble manner. Love without giving up and starting again, frequently falling into bad intimate relationships. There is such a girl in the entertainment industry. As a popular young star born in the 90s, Zheng Shuang\’s acting career has been smooth sailing. She acted as the heroine in her first TV series \”Let\’s Watch the Meteor Shower\” and became an instant hit. She was born with a hotly-searched physique, and her every move attracts attention. This kind of \”good luck\” is something that many stars in the entertainment industry cannot envy. But this enviable girl is actually a girl with a low self-esteem, extremely sensitive and insecure. This can be seen from her two failed relationships. Zheng Shuang is a typical girl who works hard for love and is as humble as dust in front of men. During her relationship with Hu Yanbin, she was often photographed by the media losing control of her emotions in public. Regarding this relationship, she wrote in \”Zheng Shuang\’s Book\”, \”I support you in anything you do, even if you just want to play with your feelings, I can accept your indulgence.\” Do you think this humble gesture is heartwarming? mercy. This sense of humiliation was more vividly reflected in her relationship with Zhang Han. When she was with Zhang Han, Zheng Shuang\’s love for Zhang Han was blind worship. When they were together, she stipulated that she would not shoot kissing scenes or intimate scenes with other male actors. She washed and cooked for him, and came up with the idea of ​​​​entering the entertainment industry for him. If you don’t like the other person, they choose to have plastic surgery. However, this kind of love from Zheng Shuang is too full and too depressing for anyone, and will show fatigue over time. So, when she didn\’t feel enough love, in order not to be abandonedShe will choose to give up on herself and declare the end unilaterally. Even in life, she gives people the impression of being extremely insecure. She is not good at communicating with others and expressing herself. When something happens, she will hide and cry alone. Even though she has become a thin person, she is criticized by the media and participates in the program. When her father asked her to eat, she would still say, \”If I become a big fat man, who will like me?\” This extreme lack of security is directly related to the absence of her parents during her childhood. Zheng Shuang’s mother had always dreamed of entering the entertainment industry when she was young, but failed to realize her wish. After Zheng Shuang was born, her mother naturally passed on this dream to her daughter. Zheng Shuang started performing on stage at the age of 4, and started learning piano and dance at the age of 5. He left his parents at the age of 10 and went to Chengdu to study art. At the age of 16, he was admitted to the Beijing Film Academy. It can be said that Zheng Shuang\’s parents were absent for a long time in his childhood. Even before leaving home, her parents\’ love for Zheng Shuang was always absent. In order for Zheng Shuang to get ahead, her mother practiced military management on her. She would be beaten if she played the piano wrong, and she would be beaten if she didn\’t get first place in the exam. scold. It was precisely because she had left home since she was young and lacked the tender care of her parents for a long time that she had a low sense of self-identity. As an adult, she tries to find the love she lacked from her parents in love. She is willing to sacrifice everything for her partner. For love, she can even give up her job and original appearance, her pride and posture, just to get more love. The book \”Inferiority and Transcendence\” says that childhood memories are of great value in understanding a person\’s outlook on life. Children who lack parental care in childhood can easily develop the emotional concept that their parents don\’t love me because I\’m not good enough. Only by working hard to \”please\” according to the other person\’s requirements can I gain love. However, the concept that I am not worthy of love makes me a person with low self-evaluation. There are girls like this around me. Like Zheng Shuang, they were extremely insecure and insecure due to the absence of their parents in childhood. As an adult, Zheng repeatedly searched for a sense of security in relationships and was frequently deceived and cheated on by scumbag men. Keiko is my college classmate. She has a cheerful personality and is very popular. She was frequently active in various school clubs during her college years. She is a talented and beautiful woman who is well-known in the college. However, her relationship has been repeatedly frustrated and she often meets scumbag men. Keiko\’s first boyfriend was a fellow from her hometown. He was a handsome, honest boy who loved Keiko very much. He showed up calmly downstairs in the dormitory every morning to deliver her breakfast and carry her bags. He was envious of Keiko\’s good friends, but they broke up after less than half a year of dating. There was no quarrel or discord. Regarding the reason for the breakup, Keiko said, \”He is so good. I\’m afraid we won\’t make it to the end.\” Not long after the breakup, Keiko quickly started her second relationship. Keiko\’s second boyfriend was a member of the school\’s literary club. Poet\”, in her words, although the other person looks sorry, he is talented and \”knows how to live.\” Later, we all realized that the life of the poet boyfriend was always together when the two of them had meals. He even invested two yuan for Keiko to take the bus, but had to record it in the account book and wait for Keiko to pay back the money. However, we still feel deeply for such a \”poet\” Keiko. They gave their feelings to each other, but the relationship ended with the other party cheating on her. Later, Keiko successively had many third parties.Ren, the fourth…, every relationship starts with \”the other person treats me well\”, ends with failure, and then quickly starts the next relationship. Keiko\’s last love in college was with the supervisor of the internship department. In this love, Keiko was unfortunately \”mistressed\”, and at first, what impressed her was just a cup of hot water when she had a cold. Keiko\’s behavior of frequently falling in love, falling out of love, and changing boyfriends. She said, \”I want someone to always love me.\” This idea has a lot to do with her childhood experience. Because her father\’s job changed, Keiko was sent to the hospital by her parents as soon as she could walk. With her grandparents, her parents only took her home during festivals and vacations. So when she was 7 years old, Keiko was taken home to attend elementary school. Her biological sister thought that Keiko was someone else\’s child and wanted to compete with her for her parents. She cried and made a fuss and refused to eat or go to school. Her parents had no choice but to send Keiko back to her grandparents again. Later, Keiko was taken home several times, but because she had nothing to say to her parents and her sister was hostile to her, she returned to her grandparents. This situation lasted until her grandparents passed away on the eve of the college entrance examination, and Keiko returned home. . It is precisely because of the lack of care from her parents and family that when she left the family as an adult, she kept falling in and out of love, trying to enrich herself with more love. Chen Yihan, another female star in the entertainment industry, is also like this. She has been seeking security in love. Chen Yihan\’s parents divorced in childhood and lacked complete family care. When she grew up, she said: I love love too much, and I am afraid that if I don\’t fall in love, I will randomly pick someone to fall in love with, but later I found out that I might not really like the other person. Not having a loved one makes me panic. The education of the original family often affects the children\’s life. The long-term absence of parents in childhood will have a huge impact on the children\’s emotional values ​​​​and have a direct impact on their future social choices and intimate partner choices. Therefore, if we can, as parents, please try not to miss our children\’s childhood.