Children who cannot afford to lose, this is the only way to \”save\” them

It has been more than a year since I took PET for the first time. I have taken PET refresher training classes in the past three days and I feel very satisfied and fulfilled. Why do I need to retrain after taking it before? It\’s like reading a good book. Reading it once and reading it five times are completely different. You will have new insights, new experiences, and new gains. Today’s mother’s contribution also gave me a new feeling. When faced with a child who “can’t afford to lose,” what I did in the past was to accept her emotions and let her gradually come out of it on her own. But emotional acceptance is only part of it. If we can guide children to change their thinking patterns and look at competitions beyond winning and losing, then we will truly leave an inexhaustible treasure mine for our children. On weekends, my husband and I took our son to the park to play together. The father and son were playing football on the lawn, competing to see who could score more goals. A middle-aged man in his 30s and a kid who is less than 6 years old are obviously not on the same level of playing skills. However, my son firmly and persistently believes that he must win. At such a young age, why is the burden on my mind so heavy? The game came to its most tense moment. My father was aggressive and the score finally reached 4:4. The only thing left was the last ball to decide the outcome. The son kicked first and missed. He held his head in frustration, showing a painful expression. Then, he walked aside silently and looked at his father nervously. At this time, my husband walked onto the court and kicked the ball without anyone paying attention. Enter! Got it! My heart tightened and I immediately turned to look at my son. I saw my son collapsed on the grass in an instant, crying like a ghost. The two of us hurriedly ran over to comfort him, but the kid didn\’t accept the comfort at all. He even waved his little hand and hit us, shouting viciously: I don\’t want to lose, I don\’t want to lose! This was not the first time that he had an emotional breakdown because he couldn\’t afford to lose. During this time, he was playing Go with me. As soon as the game started, he would stare at me with sharp eyes and threaten me faintly: \”Mom, you can\’t be too good.\” I couldn\’t laugh or cry, so I said to him angrily, \”Son Ah, mom keeps losing, this is unscientific!\” \”I don\’t care, I will win!\” He was quite eloquent and confident. If I dare not cooperate and he loses two or more games, come on, he will cry, make a fuss, and break the chess game. One step in the trilogy is inevitable, and he will lose control of his emotions for at least 15 minutes. Do children all get a disease called \”can only win but not lose\” when they reach a certain age? The frequency of \”illness\” attacks is so high that as a mother, I really can\’t stand it. A while ago, I talked with several parenting experts and found out that their children have also tried this, and they often get angry when they lose. Then, like benefactors, they gave me a dose of parenting medicine. During this period of time, I used it on my son and personally tested it to be somewhat effective. I couldn’t help but write it down and share it with everyone. This powerful parenting recipe is a growth mindset. The real reason why children cannot afford to lose is that they only see the result of the game, but not the process of the game. If you can tell your children, winning or losing is not important. What is important is the fun during the game and your own efforts. For example, what did you do in the game, what improvements did you make compared with last time, and what will you do next?What can I practice? Then, children will gradually be able to put aside winning and losing, focus on their own efforts, and continue to make progress. And this is growth mindset. A growth mindset, simply put, is the belief that everything can be changed and that as long as you work hard, you can make progress. Corresponding to this is the fixed mindset, which believes that many things are immutable and that success depends entirely on uncontrollable factors such as talent and luck. (Please enlarge to view) It sounds like these two modes of thinking are not new or special, but in real life, they have a great impact on people. Professor Carol Dweck, who proposed the growth mindset, once conducted a famous jigsaw puzzle experiment. Two groups of children completed the puzzle test and received two different praises: \”You are smart\” and \”You are hardworking\”. They then choose a set of puzzles, easier or harder. As a result, the choices are vastly different. Most of the children in the former group chose the easier one, while most of the children in the latter group chose the more difficult one. Because the children in the first group want to maintain the image of \”I am smart\” and it is easier to do simple things well; the children in the latter group want to continue to challenge themselves, because it is the \”process of hard work\” that makes them feel great. . Are you shocked? Because one word of praise is different, the child\’s behavior pattern is completely different. So, how can we cultivate children’s growth mindset? To sum it up, we need to hold on to two words: Effort (effort) and Not Yet (yet). EFFORT (effort) Effort does not just mean hard work in Chinese, but a way of thinking – focusing on the process rather than the result, that is, in this matter, what you put in is more important. Therefore, in daily life, we must consciously guide our children and praise them wisely. Chen Xin once shared a story in \”Raising Choices\”: One day, a child drew a fish, and his grandma praised him: \”Baby, the fish you drew is so realistic. You are really a little genius!\” Second One day, an aunt came to the house as a guest. Grandma said, \”Baby, draw an apple and show it to aunt.\” In all likelihood, the child would not want to do it. Why? I can draw fish well, but I haven\’t drawn apples yet, so I probably won\’t be able to draw them well. If I don\’t draw well, I\’m not a genius at drawing. If the grandma had praised her child like this: \”Baby, your fish painting is very realistic. Look, you painted the scales and the whiskers on the fish\’s head. When you painted, you must have thought about the fish very carefully.\” You observed it so carefully!” So, when a child needs to draw a butterfly, his first reaction is to think about what a butterfly looks like. He will observe carefully, and then he won\’t find it difficult at this time. What we need is to praise our children \”you work hard\” instead of \”you are smart\”. Effort is more important than talent. Praising the process will build children\’s resilience. NOT YET (Not yet) Professor Dweck told a story in his TED talk: In a high school in Chicago, students must pass a series of course assessments before graduating. If you fail a certain course, the grade is \”not ye\”t\” (temporarily failed). This approach is very good. Because if the grade is \”failed\”, the student will think: I am a failure, my ability is not good, and I cannot learn well. But if the grade is \”not \”yet\” has not passed yet, they will understand that I have not passed yet, and there will be a chance next time. The word \”Not Yet\” is very powerful, and what is conveyed behind it is: you just can\’t do it this time, It’s not that you can’t do it. Try again, try harder, maybe you can do it. Growth is such a continuous process. So, when a child tells you dejectedly that he “can’t do it”, please tell the child, “You are only temporary. Haven\’t learned math well yet. \”You just can\’t play football well for the time being\” \”You just can\’t write well for the time being\”. This feeling is completely different. However, sometimes, it is just verbal encouragement, just saying \”Just try harder.\” \” is not enough. The child keeps repeating mistakes and can only move in circles. At this time, we need to push the child strategically and let them try again. A few days ago, I took my son to the park to play with models Plane. I always fly farther than him, and he has another objection. I thought to myself, son, you try your best to throw the plane down every time, but of course the plane can only hit the ground heavily. But a 6-year-old child obviously cannot figure out the ingenuity by himself. No matter how much I say \”come on, persist, work hard\”, it will have no effect. So, I said to him: \”Baby , you observe how mother flies, and think about why mother flies far. \”I told him to pay special attention to my hands, and then flew several times in slow motion and demonstrated his flying movements several times. My son stood nearby and stared intently. Soon, he discovered This is the key to throwing the airplane at a smooth angle. After several exercises, my son was able to fly very far. Several times, he even flew farther than me. He was so happy that he never asked me to give in. He has. Give children timely help, guide them to observe problems, and inspire them to find solutions, so that children can persist better. But it should be noted that we just give children a push, but we do not push them every step of the way. Children still need to walk their own path. Children must learn to work hard on their own. I think of a story my best friend told about her son who couldn’t afford to lose: When my son was 7 years old, he started learning to play tennis. He had a very bad temper and lost the game. He was definitely going to lose his temper. He picked up the racket and started hitting it hard on the ground. Every time his best friend looked at it, she felt particularly distressed. The racket was very expensive, could you please stop throwing it? From then on, she and the coach started to fight Instill in your son: Don’t care about every ball you hit, whether it’s good or bad. What you have to care about is what to do with the next ball. Similarly, don’t care about winning or losing the game, but care about your own efforts. Keep talking, talking. I have been together for 4 years, and my son is now 11 years old. Not long ago, my best friend went to watch her son play a game. During that game, my son was neither arrogant nor impatient. No matter how well he played the last ball, he actively prepared for the next one. A ball. After the whole game, my mood was calm and calm. At that moment, my girlfriendMi Lao was in tears. After 4 years of watering, the seeds finally sprouted. Yes, change never happens overnight, let alone a deeply ingrained mindset. Cultivate children\’s growth mindset, test children, and test the patience of parents. But please believe that there is a season for everything, and a season for everything under the heaven. There is a time to lose, a time to win, a time to be happy, a time to be sad, a time to sow, and a time to reap.