My son is always slapped and cursed by his classmates. This mother’s behavior is thought-provoking

Late one night a few days ago, the mother of my son’s classmate suddenly contacted me: My child told me that there is a classmate in the class who always slaps him, and also slaps your child, and also calls him very dirty words… I have reported this to the teacher. ……What? Slap? Swear words? There was a \”buzzing\” sound in my mind, and all kinds of news and videos of \”school bullying\” flashed through my mind. I was heartbroken and angry, and almost went crazy. Which bastard is it? ! Are there any other more egregious actions? Has the son been psychologically harmed? I wanted to wake up my son immediately and question him. I also wanted to rush to the child’s home and argue with his parents! The treasure we hold in the palm of our hands has never touched a finger even if we are angry. Why should you beat and scold it frequently? ! I even planned to hold down the \”Bully\” button when picking up my son from school and let him spank him too! But I still used my remaining sanity to weigh the pros and cons: If I make the matter bigger, will it cause secondary harm to the child? After a night of suffering, I went to pick up my son from school with swollen eyes. \”How was it? How did the teacher handle it?\” I asked my son as calmly as possible. \”The teacher criticized him and called his father.\” \”That uncle was very nice and asked him to apologize to us.\” \”I want to say it\’s okay. Uncle said we will see how he behaves in the future and then decide whether to forgive or not.\” Him.\” I was afraid that my son was not sincere, so I asked him repeatedly, \”Then do you want to forgive him? If you still feel wronged and angry, we will definitely pursue it again!\” But my son said, \”I have already forgiven him, but sometimes he is not On purpose.\” Oh my God! Could it be that all my heartache, anger, and thoughts this day and night were just an inner drama? In my imagination, my son was greatly hurt; in my imagination, I wanted to beat the child with my own hands; in my imagination, the naughty child must have naughty parents, and a \”war\” was inevitable. Image source: \”Civilized Barbarians\” But that night, the child\’s father took the initiative to call us, apologized repeatedly, and promised to educate his child well. The son didn\’t seem to take this matter to heart at all: \”We boys don\’t have that many things going on between us.\” What does \”bullying\” look like in the eyes of children? After this incident, I couldn\’t help but reflect, do we often put our children in the position of \”victims\”? In the adult world, it is extremely rare to use violence to solve problems. More often, we prefer to communicate rationally or \”take a step back to see the world.\” But in the world of children, it is normal for you to hit me and me to push you. Even a \”slap\” that seems very insulting to us is just a \”Tathagata Palm\” to a child. Image source: \”Civilized Barbarians\” If measured by adult standards, swearing, slapping, and asking to be called \”Daddy\” are all extremely bad behaviors. In the eyes of children, neither the bully nor the bullied feel how \”heinous\” such behavior is. They collectively refer to these behaviors as \”bullying.\” To forgive these behaviors, the bully only needs to recognize the mistake, apologize, and correct themselves. Image Source:\”Little Naughty Nicholas\” This is not to say that children are not harmed when they are bullied, but the harm they suffer is not as serious as we think. Everyone has the love for their children, but if we \”overreact\”, it may be counterproductive. If your child is bullied, why don\’t you tell your parents? Although the incident has come to an end, what I can\’t let go of is that if my classmates\’ parents hadn\’t reminded me, I might never have known that my son was slapped and cursed, and my son never mentioned a word about the whole incident before. Why is it that the child is so secretive to his parents despite being bullied? With such worries, I asked my son distressedly, \”Why didn\’t you tell us?\” \”I didn\’t want to make the matter bigger.\” My son replied helplessly. Then, my son told me something like this. When he was in first grade, a classmate scratched his hand and it bled. When school was over, he told his grandfather. Grandpa was so angry that he rushed to his classmates and parents and complained loudly. That parent spanked his classmate on the spot. Later, the child hurt his son again, and the grandfather went to find the parents angrily. This time he met the child\’s grandmother. She argued that it was not her child who did it, so the grandfather had a fierce argument with her. The son said: \”Grandpa always makes things very big.\” Image source: \”Civilized Barbarians\” Grandpa\’s reaction is probably what many parents would do. Even if your precious child is accidentally injured, let alone being injured intentionally, you will feel extremely distressed. Therefore, we “support” our children with this strong love for our children. But in the eyes of the children, the usually amiable relatives suddenly become strangers. That kind of anger and such loud quarrels will only make the children more scared and make it difficult for the children to get along with each other naturally. Rather than face such a \”lose-lose\” situation, it is better for the child not to say anything. Sometimes, without understanding the actual situation, we blame our children for no reason: \”Why don\’t they bully others but bully you?\” \”Stay away from him in the future!\” \”Why are you so stupid? You won\’t fight back.\” Ah!\” When children ask us for help, we often express negative emotions like \”I hate iron but cannot become steel\” and then make some unrealistic suggestions. In the child\’s mind, \”I will be criticized if I say anything, and the advice given by my parents cannot really help me. If I can fight back or dare to fight back, will I still be bullied?\” So, why should I talk to my parents? Say what? Children have their own social intelligence. Parents cannot always be their children\’s protection. Children must learn to deal with conflicts with classmates on their own. What we need to do is to teach him the ability to protect himself, instead of \”getting angry\” all the time and taking care of him. Go \”charge into battle\”. When a child is bullied, it is best to guide him to find a solution on his own. When a child says, \”Mom, XXX always bullies me.\” Try to talk to the child as calmly and gently as possible. You can use the following questions to guide him to make the correct attribution and find a solution: Why does he bully you? How did he bully you? What did it do to you? What do you want to do to stop him from bullying you? What do you want your parents to do? Do you want us to report it to the teacher? Do you want us to find his parents?? Except for children who are too young to express themselves clearly, for older children, we can first understand their thoughts and then provide appropriate guidance. Our purpose is to let the children know that their parents will always love you, support you, and respect your ideas, instead of letting the children mistakenly think that asking their parents for help will only make their parents even more angry. Psychologist Li Songwei once said such a thing. His daughter was less than 5 years old and was painted on her hands by a child. Li Songwei first said, \”Don\’t let her paint next time!\” The daughter said, \”I didn\’t let her paint, she wanted to paint.\” Li Songwei then taught her, \”Next time she wants to paint, just say no. !” The mother also said, “You have to be firmer, I will get angry if you continue to draw!” However, her daughter’s hands were still drawn, and Li Songwei realized that they had been teaching their children using the rules of the adult world. In the adult world, saying \”no\” means a clear refusal, and saying \”I\’m going to be angry\” means that you are going to fall out. However, children don\’t understand, and instead become more curious – I want to draw and see. How angry are you? Li Songwei continued to guide his daughter to see how she would deal with it. He was surprised by his daughter\’s smart approach: \”I told her that if she continued to draw, she would no longer be a good friend. If she continued to draw, I would tell the adults. If the adults weren\’t around, I would tell her that I had something to do at home. Let\’s take the washed out brush.\” ​​Li Songwei concluded: Children\’s interpersonal relationships are basically a disordered world where they grow wildly. My daughter has been struggling in this world and accumulated her own set of experience in dealing with things. My daughter is already an \”old Jianghu\” and she has the ability to protect herself. As a father, I base my wishful thinking on my own experience and teach her to say \”no\” loudly. This will only make her feel that I neither understand her nor support her. Of course, all the above suggestions are based on common fighting and bullying. If a lot of bad kids form a clique and do harm beyond normal limits, such as blackmailing, beating, humiliating, stripping for photos, cleaning toilets, or even eating shit, etc., and then ask us parents to \”solve the problem peacefully and rationally\”, who will probably It\’s impossible to do that either. We will never give up until bullies pay the price. Image source: \”Civilized Barbarians\” But whether it is \”bullying\” or \”bullying\”, all our actions have the highest criterion, which is to minimize the harm to children. Children will grow up and we will grow old. Although we would like to, it is still impossible for us to protect our children all the time. In the end, they need to deal with the ups and downs and difficulties on their own. I sincerely hope that each of us parents will be the person whom our children are most willing to turn to for help when they encounter problems. I also hope that children can learn the ability to protect themselves. After all, only by relying on yourself can you be unafraid of hardships; by relying on others, you will always be afraid of wind and frost.