Every undisciplined child lacks such guidance behind him

I have asked many mothers with slightly older children, and everyone nodded in agreement: the most tiring and troublesome thing is not to wait for the baby to eat, drink, poop and sleep, but to make the baby obey the rules! Here, I do not use \”obedient\” but \”obey the rules\” because obedience requires children to passively obey our subjective orders, while obedience requires children to actively comply with objective disciplines. This is because the foundation of education is definitely not to cultivate \”good children\” who obey our orders, but to cultivate independent individuals who can distinguish right from wrong and behave appropriately even if they are out of our sight (or the teacher\’s). The West has developed a relatively mature and systematic approach to children\’s discipline education, which we can use for reference and study. For example, I recently read the book \”Discipline Education for Children Aged 0-8\” and recommend it to everyone. The so-called discipline education is to set rules for children to stop aggressive, dangerous, and inappropriate behaviors. At the same time, bear the consequences of breaking the rules. Aggressive behavior: hitting, biting, etc.; dangerous behavior: suddenly running into the middle of the road; inappropriate behavior: throwing food everywhere, etc. If you are struggling with having kids at home, try these five suggestions. 1. \”Fight\” with your children selectively. Don\’t just say \”no\” when something happens. Establishing rules requires clear taboos. Make an exclusive \”taboo list\” with your child and clearly tell him which behaviors must not be done; if he does it, what serious consequences will there be. I saw on Sina Weibo that a netizen named @pianpianma set rules for her children: Don’t be rude to your elders; don’t do things that endanger safety; don’t eat other people’s food. Other than that, there are almost no taboos. My children\’s happiness is my highest principle. Resolutely ask your children to follow the necessary rules, and then selectively ignore the trivial things. For a while, Ogawa always set up a tent in the living room, displaying his favorite toys one by one, and not allowing anyone to touch them. If it moves, it must be put back to its original position without any deviation, otherwise it will definitely make you angry. During that time, the whole family was trembling and angry because of him, but they finally endured it. Because I know that what he did is a manifestation of the rapid development of the brain: children in the sensitive period of order basically have zero tolerance for disorder. When he gets older, things will naturally get better. So, don’t just say “no” when something happens. Mothers often suffer from a common problem, always saying \”no\” on their lips. \”Don\’t climb so high!\” \”Don\’t put your hands in your mouth!\” \”Don\’t grab children\’s toys!\” For very small babies, such as those under 1 year old, there is absolutely nothing that can and cannot be done. Concepts and all actions are an instinctive exploration for him. When we say \”no\”, children can only realize that the word is different from other languages, but they cannot really understand the meaning of \”no\”. At this time, we can try to say No to him in a game. In the parenting diary of team member Lucky’s mother, I saw how she dealt with her little furry: 8-month-old Lucky always wants to touch the power supply, and every time I say in a threatening yet slightly amused tone, “Hmm! Hmm! Well!\” Hearing thisJust 3 words and he would stop and look at me and let out a chuckle. What’s funny is that later, when Lucky, who was in the imitation stage, saw the jack, he also said, \”Hmm! Hmm! Hmm!\” Faced with older children who have clearly understood the negative meaning of \”no\”, we also need to pay attention to controlling the frequency of use and try our best to Save \”no\” for more serious situations, such as things that endanger your child\’s safety and health. Otherwise, using it too frequently will cause children to become immune to \”no\”, and \”no\” will lose its authority. 2. Understand the motivations behind children’s behaviors. As long as you understand the incentives behind these behaviors, some inappropriate behaviors of children can be completely avoided. ★8-12 months American child educator Judith Myers Walls believes that even a baby must know that there are many things he cannot do. When the baby starts learning to crawl (about 8 or 9 months old), early discipline education has already begun. However, children of this age have limited language understanding, memory, and concentration. Therefore, early discipline education for infants and young children is more focused on \”danger control.\” Place items that are dangerous for children, such as scissors and glasses, out of his reach or take protective measures. For example, some babies especially like to play with the water in the toilet. At this time, installing a child lock on the toilet is much simpler and more effective than having a \”PK of the Century\” with them. At the same time, you can also place items that the child can touch, such as his toys, in a conspicuous place to attract his attention. ★Children at this stage of 12-24 months have an enhanced sense of autonomy, are fearless of everything, and are emotionally changeable and impulsive. Although they have reached the language enlightenment stage and can understand simple vocabulary and follow simple instructions, they still cannot express their needs effectively. Instead, they will vent their dissatisfaction by losing temper, hitting, biting and other behaviors to attract the attention of adults. The most effective way to deal with children in the \”emotional period\” is to distract and divert attention. When a 1-and-a-half-year-old child goes to the supermarket, he is very interested in the products on the shelves. He likes to touch them, take them out and look at them, and even move them around. In most cases, there is no need to intervene in the child\’s behavior, but in order to avoid special or dangerous situations, such as the child deliberately knocking over goods, you may wish to bring his favorite toys to the child. Of course, there are times when distraction fails. If your child loses his temper and cannot be stopped in a short period of time, the best way is to take him away, find a relatively quiet and closed space, and gently explain to him what happened until he regains his composure. ★Children at this stage of 24-36 months already have the concepts of right and wrong, cause and effect, and empathy. Discipline education can skillfully incorporate these factors. For example, when a child snatches someone else\’s crayons, you should directly tell the child: \”You can\’t snatch other people\’s toys. This is wrong behavior. If you take away Little A\’s crayons, he will be very sad.\” Then, again Give the child a similar crayon as a replacement and comfort. Discipline education should not only clarify right and wrong and allow children to use empathy to think from others\’ perspective, but also provide him with a way to solve problems. When a child reaches the age of two or three, he/she has a sense of autonomyBig explosion, special \”self\”. During this period, you can delegate authority within a reasonable range and let him become the master of his own behavior. When a child doesn\’t want to take a bath, forcing and questioning are not effective. It is better to provide him with several options: Do you want a bubble bath or a shower? When your child doesn\’t want to leave the playground, you can ask him: Would you like French fries or ice cream on the way home? This approach is a win-win situation. It not only solves the child\’s various \”non-cooperation\” problems, but also gives him the power to make free choices. 3. Use simple language When conducting discipline education for toddlers and preschoolers, the core principle is: the language should be simple! A psychological study by the State University of New York in the United States showed that when mothers use short and direct words to educate their children, the effect is more significant compared with long speeches. I saw a mother’s sharing on a parenting forum: When my child was 2 years old, I always explained to him why this was not okay, but I found that he couldn’t understand it at all. So I changed my strategy. When he said he wanted to eat ice cream before eating, I just said \”You can\’t eat it now\” without explaining or arguing. However, just because the behavior is not explained at the moment or when the child is emotional outbursts does not mean that the behavior will never be explained. We can completely use reading, etc. when the child is calm, to tell him in a language he can understand why he can\’t do this and why he can\’t eat ice cream. 4. Use more positive guidance to avoid falling into a vortex of bad emotions. Use positive guidance to replace negative negation, which is more effective. For example, when we tell our children \”Don\’t bang on the door,\” the message that the child pays attention to and receives is only \”smash on the door.\” In other words, when we use negative sentences, we invisibly emphasize the child\’s inappropriate behavior. When a child misbehaves, instead of saying so many \”no\”s, it is better to say more \”yes\”s. When a child puts his feet on the dining table, we can say directly: \”Put your little feet down, and let\’s hide our toes under the table.\” And when we use negative sentences or negative words to educate our children, Often with negative energy. When a child is surrounded by his parents\’ negative emotions, all of his attention is diverted to dealing with his parents\’ emotions, thereby ignoring the information that really needs attention. Therefore, before providing discipline education to our children, we first need to calm down, sort out our emotions, and not get stuck in a quagmire of bad emotions. Our stable emotions are the most important behavioral model for our children. 5. Make your position clear and stick to it. Children between the ages of 2 and 3 have begun to understand the impact their actions will have on those around them. At this time, if the adult\’s attitude towards one thing is always changing, it will make the child feel very confused. For example, if he is allowed to play ball in the room today, but not allowed tomorrow, such a change will completely confuse the child. Although we cannot be sure that a child will have to fall in the same pit several times before he or she will have a long memory. However, as long as the position is clear and the principles are adhered to, the child will surely gradually realize the inappropriateness of his behavior.