Why is it more scary for grandma to take care of children than grandma?

After my sister gave birth to her child, her whole person changed. Specifically, she is in a state of high tension whenever she encounters something related to her children. There is almost nothing else in her eyes except her children. The most direct consequence of this change was the frequent conflicts between her and my mother. At first, I was on my mother\’s side. Especially when my mother cried and looked helpless at my sister\’s \”accusation\”, I felt more and more that my sister had gone too far. When my niece was half a year old, she started taking complementary foods. After I stayed at my sister\’s house for a while, I realized: It turns out that it was my mother who was terrible. Once, my mother volunteered to take on the task of \”feeding complementary food\” to her niece, and my sister agreed. The little granddaughter was very happy to eat at first, and grandma also felt very accomplished. But after a while, the little granddaughter stopped eating. Before the child\’s grandma stretched out the spoon, the child frowned and looked unhappy. In the end, the complementary food was not finished, and the child\’s face was all muddy. The child\’s grandma tried a few more times, but the child still didn\’t buy it. As a result, the grandma suddenly raised her voice and said, \”Do you want to eat? If you don\’t eat, I\’ll beat you!\” Although the child didn\’t understand, he clearly felt the change in the expression on the adult\’s face. She stared at her grandma blankly, not daring to move. Similar situations happened repeatedly in the following weeks, and I even found that when my sister, the \”supervisor\” was not present, my mother threatened and intimidated the child even more. In fact, my sister and I both know that my mother is not really cruel, she is just used to this kind of education method, because my sister and I have been raised by her in this way since we were young. Compared to my mother, my niece\’s grandma is a little gentler. She often says, \”Little darling, if you eat more, grandma will be unhappy if you don\’t eat.\” The education method of each native family may be more Either way, there are flaws. Although my sister and I try to avoid being as emotional as my mother, we still have similarities to her. I have discovered before that my sister loses her temper easily when faced with naughty students. Even if she tries to restrain herself, it is difficult for her to be nice. When she and my mother cared for her niece together, certain similar flaws in them were reinforced in the child. But grandma is different. Grandma is different from grandma in all aspects. In the process of raising children, this difference can play a mediating role. In comparison, it is much more terrifying for grandma to raise children. Her best friend’s mother-in-law is good at taking care of children, so during the confinement period, she felt free to let her mother-in-law help. Not long after my mother-in-law arrived, my best friend\’s mother also arrived, and then the atmosphere at home changed. Because she is a biological mother, she sometimes doesn\’t care what her daughter thinks when she talks and does things. My best friend is also impatient. When she sees her mother’s inappropriate methods, she directly calls them to account. Her best friend is also not very merciful when speaking. This also stimulated her mother, and the conflict between the two parties was intensified. Many people don\’t know that for breastfeeding mothers, the mother can receive the child\’s emotions and emotions, and the child can also feel the mother\’s emotions. Therefore, the quarrel between the best friend and the child\’s grandma can directly affect the child, which is very detrimental to the child\’s growth. When grandma acts as a childcare helper, becauseBecause the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is \”estranged\”, when faced with the \”picky\” and \”nervous\” daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law will be more or less compassionate, and the best friends will be more polite, so that the relationship will not become too tense. If there is a blood relationship between the two parties, it is easy for the two parties to turn small problems into big problems, and then the children\’s mothers will quarrel. This kind of intense friction is extremely detrimental to the baby\’s psychological development. Melanie Klein, the pioneer of child psychoanalysis, believed that a child\’s core personality is formed before six months. If babies during this period have to face severe conflicts between caregivers, they will encounter obstacles in personality integration later on. An overly close relationship is actually a double-edged sword. If the same sentence is said, it must be the person who is closer to you, and it will hurt you more deeply. The quarrel between the daughter and the mother not only hurts each other\’s feelings, but is also very detrimental to the physical and mental development of the child. Some new fathers online said that their \”living environment\” was tested after their mother-in-law moved into their own small family and participated in childcare. Especially when there is a conflict between the wife and the mother-in-law, they have almost no other choice but to stand aside. Some new dads try to deal with this problem and ask for help in various forums. As a result, 90% of the answers he received advised him to sit back and watch. The reason was that they had been quarreling for decades and could not break up. However, when they do stand by and watch, the conflict intensifies. Wives are already in an emotionally sensitive period. When they quarrel with their mother and get angry, their husband\’s \”sitting aside\” will become a reason for them to vent their emotions. On the mother-in-law\’s side, it is inconvenient for a new father to accuse the child\’s grandma of unscientific parenting methods. At the same time, the mother-in-law will define the son-in-law\’s \”indifference\” as irresponsible, and believe that the son-in-law does not care about the family and is incapable of handling family problems. But from the perspective of a new father, if the person who assists in raising the child is his own mother, when she and his wife have different parenting concepts, he can better communicate with the child’s grandmother and have the courage to stand on his wife’s side and protect the couple. At the same time, it also creates the best family atmosphere for the children. The fastest time for a woman to grow is when she says goodbye to her past identity and becomes a mother. Before she became a mother, she was the \”protected one\” in her original family, and after she became a mother, she became the \”protector\” in her new family. When a mother enters her daughter\’s small family through a baby, it is equivalent to saying that her daughter does not need to grow up or leave her mother\’s protection. This is in conflict with the role change faced by her daughter. On Zhihu, a new father complained that after his wife gave birth to a child, he completely left the burden of childcare to his mother-in-law. As a result, the child is two or three years old, and the wife has no sense of responsibility as a mother. This situation is caused by the mother\’s excessive involvement, which leads to the daughter\’s inner rejection of the role change. An important reason why mothers and daughters have such violent conflicts over parenting methods is that their quarrels are intended to alienate the relationship. Because only if the relationship is further away, the mother will have less control. In this way, the daughter has her own independent space to complete the change of role. existDuring this process, although the mother-in-law will also quarrel with the daughter-in-law, behind the quarrel, it is more about getting closer to each other. When mother-in-law and daughter-in-law communicate in such an extreme way as \”quarrels\”, it is equivalent to exposing the most \”real\” side of themselves to each other. The way we interact with others is partly taught by them. Therefore, after a conflict occurs, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will gradually find a more comfortable way of communication from this friction. Maternal love is a graceful withdrawal, and on the issue of parenting, it is precisely the important node for the mother to withdraw from her daughter\’s life. This withdrawal does not mean that the mother will ignore her daughter from now on, but it means that the mother needs to give her daughter the space to choose independently, and respect and support the decisions she makes. When a daughter can feel her mother\’s support psychologically, she can grow into an independent and excellent woman at the fastest speed.