Why does the more you comfort a child, the harder he cries?

Some time ago, my son Xiaoshu just started going to kindergarten and made a new friend, Xuanxuan. One day after school, Xuanxuan’s mother and I were walking and chatting, while the two children were playing together. At this time, Xiaoshu wanted to pick a dandelion on the roadside, but Xuanxuan stopped Xiaoshu. The little tree insisted on picking it, so the two little guys argued for a while, and Xuanxuan began to cry violently. Seeing this, Xuanxuan\’s mother hurriedly comforted Xuanxuan: \”Baby, mommy knows you are sad. Stop crying. If you cry anymore, you won\’t be handsome.\” After Xuanxuan listened to her mother\’s words, she cried louder and louder. When I came home from get off work a few days ago, I saw a couple of old people playing with a little boy about 4 years old. The boy accidentally fell and started crying. Grandma stepped forward, pulled up the child on the ground, and yelled loudly: \”I told you to stop running away, but you don\’t listen. If you fall, you still have the nerve to cry. If you cry again, we will leave, leaving you alone to cry here.\” .\” The little boy hurriedly grabbed his grandma\’s clothes. His expression of fear and trying not to cry made me feel sad. When children cry, parents are often at a loss. Xuanxuan\’s mother said: \”Xuanxuan cries too much. I don\’t know how to help him. I tried empathy but it didn\’t work. Is there any other way?\” Another friend of mine said: \”The more I comfort him, the more I can help him.\” The more you cry, the more immediate results you will get by yelling.\” It seems that we instinctively feel that crying is a bad thing and must be stopped in time, otherwise it will cause harm to the child\’s body and mind. But upon closer inspection, this is not the case. A netizen on Zhihu asked: Why do some parents not allow their children to cry? When we stop our children from crying, many times it is actually because their crying arouses discomfort in us, but we are not aware of it ourselves. Grandpa Xiaoshu loves Xiaoshu very much, almost to the point of doting on him, and tries his best to satisfy any of his requests. But when it comes to crying, he has a \”zero tolerance\” attitude. Every time he saw Xiaoshu crying, grandpa would sternly say: \”Don\’t cry, crying is not a good boy.\” And if Xiaoshu\’s grandma tried to persuade grandpa a few words, grandpa would go straight out of the door. Xiaoshu\’s crying caused Grandpa\’s inner discomfort and made him find it difficult to face it. Whenever a child cries, we tend to have a \”self-guilt\” mentality. Most adults who find it difficult to face their children crying had a childhood where they were not allowed to cry. The moment the child cries, we feel that the child\’s sadness is caused by us, and we suddenly become like the child who did something wrong but was not allowed to cry. In order to eliminate this discomfort, we often instinctively stop the child from crying, either in a severe and threatening way, or in a relatively gentle way. But in the final analysis, if our ultimate goal is to prevent children from expressing emotions, then children will tend to cry more and more. When a child cries, the first thing that needs to be dealt with is the parents\’ emotions, and what needs to be changed is the parents\’ thinking. Crying is a normal expression of emotion in a child. Negative emotions that are seen and accepted will not cause harm to the child. At the same time, a child\’s emotional management ability is built through crying, losing control, and being understood. There is a saying: \”The less cute a child is, the more he needs love.\” As the closest and most loving child aroundAs trustworthy people, we need to feel our children\’s voices with our hearts. The specific method is: \”empathize\” with the children. In the variety show \”Incredible Mom\”, Hu Ke took Xiao Yu\’er to buy toys for his brother, but the rule was that he could only buy toys for his brother. However, Xiao Yu\’er chose the toy he liked, but could only return empty-handed. This made Xiaoyu\’er very upset. After leaving the toy store, he started to lose his temper, shouted \”stinky mother\” loudly, and then started crying violently. Hu Ke immediately squatted down and hugged Xiao Yu\’er, letting him cry on his shoulder. After that, Hu Ke said to Xiao Yu\’er: \”I know you are sad.\” Many mothers will empathize to this step, but then we often fall into some misunderstandings. For example, we will add a sentence after this sentence: \”Don\’t Cry, okay?\” The result is, \”I\’m obviously empathic, but why does the child cry more and more?\” Reason 1: There is a lack of accepting empathy, and the child doesn\’t buy it. Among them, the mistake we often make is: evaluating the child\’s behavior and psychology. After expressing our understanding of the child\’s emotions, we often deny the child\’s behavior immediately: \”You are sad, but it is wrong to cry and make a fuss.\” \”I know you are angry, but you can\’t throw things around.\” So, The child felt that he was not truly accepted and continued to cry. Reason 2: The child felt further misunderstood and cried aggrievedly. After understanding the child\’s emotional expression, what we say is very important. If parents put a label on the child\’s behavior at this time, or rush to judge the reason for the child\’s crying, the child will be wronged and cry because of further misunderstanding. . A few days ago, Xiaoshu burst into tears because he couldn\’t build the blocks properly. Grandma went over to comfort him: \”Baby, I\’m sad. You\’re such a crybaby. There\’s nothing to be angry about. Let\’s play something else.\” , Xiaoshu cried even harder. Reason three: The child is accepted and begins to release emotions and cry loudly. Another situation is when the child feels accepted and releases the grievances in his heart. At this time, allowing the child to cry for a while can help the child release the haze in his heart and return to a good state of mind. In the movie \”Inside Out\”, there is a good description of \”crying\” and a standard \”empathy\” template. In the brain of the protagonist Riley, the emotional villain \”Lele\” who represents happiness and the emotional villain \”Shouyou\” who represents sadness are in trouble and are in urgent need of help from Riley\’s imaginary playmate \”Possicle\”. However, when they found Popsicle and looked for a way back, Popsicle lost the most important rocket in his and Riley\’s shared memory, which made Popsicle very sad and burst into tears. Lele rushed forward to comfort him: \”Everything will be fine, we will find a way\” \”Hey, who is most afraid of tickling? Here comes the tickling monster\”, and even made faces to make Popsicle happy. But everything was of no use, and Popsicle was always immersed in his own sadness. In stark contrast, Youyou\’s approach was to stay close to her and make physical contact: Youyou sat down next to the popsicle. (Parents and children can squat down and give the child a hug directly.) State the facts: \”I\’m sorry they took away your rocket. It was your most beloved thing, and everythingIt\’s irreversible. \”Listen and pay attention: When Popsicle said: \”This is the last token of me and Riley,\” Popsicle said: \”You must have had great adventures with Riley.\” This allowed Popsicle to start talking freely, and he and Riley Lee\’s story. When Popsicle finished talking, Youyou gently patted Popsicle\’s legs and responded, \”Yes, yes.\” Then, feeling accepted and understood, Popsicle hugged Youyou and began to cry. After a while, Popsicle stood up and said, \”I feel better.\” At this moment, Popsicle\’s cry was the release after being understood. After release, he was able to pick himself up again. Don’t think of “stopping crying” as the sole purpose of empathy. Children need to learn to recognize emotions, channel emotions, and manage emotions during emotional outbursts. Therefore, every child’s emotional outburst is a good opportunity for us to help children exercise and improve their emotional intelligence. After the above \”empathy\” is over, there is another important step: American positive psychologist Daniel Siegel\’s book \”Whole Brain Parenting\” emphasizes that when the child\’s emotions calm down, we need to guide the child to repeat Experience, causing the child to call on the left brain to sort out the details and translate the experience into language, and then bring in the right brain to revisit his emotions. Find a time for the child and parents to calmly review the incident and allow the child to recall how they felt at the time. This can further connect the rational left brain and the emotional right brain and improve the child\’s ability to perceive and control emotions. Parents\’ sincere understanding and acceptance are the motivation for children to get out of confusion and move forward courageously. In the movie \”The Little Prince\”, the fox said to the little prince: \”Only by looking with your heart can you see clearly. Important things are invisible with your eyes.\” Children who cry in childhood will draw strength from love. , wipe away your tears as you grow, and grow into an angel with a soft and tough heart. Don\’t be anxious, don\’t rush him. Crying freely is one of the beautiful things in childhood. How many of us have grown up to be adults who don’t know how to cry? Why not give a hug to the crying child in front of you, and also give a hug to your childhood self who was not understood. Dear baby, if you want to cry, I would like to be by your side and accompany you.