Parents who control their children in the name of love are the ones who should be educated

Today’s article is written to all parents, especially my father and my mother, who can take the time to watch this documentary, which only has three episodes. The content of the documentary is simple: four children from three families are in trouble because they dropped out of school. The parents had no choice but to send their children to a special school in Wuhan to receive \”reformation.\” During the \”reformation\” period, children have to receive 81 days of training and psychological intervention, and parents have to receive 6 days of training to get rid of the anxiety, confusion and helplessness of being a parent. \”I tell you, it\’s best not to catch me. You can\’t control me if you catch me.\” \”How long has it been since you called me mom?\” \”I am a mirror. My face can reflect how I am. Loyal to his parents, both in appearance and heart, he is so similar to them.\” Zeqing, a sophomore in junior high school, dropped out of school for 2 months. My grandparents are university professors, and my parents also have respectable careers. However, in such an \”excellent\” family, there is an outlier like Zeqing, which is unacceptable to my parents. His mother said: Zeqing was addicted to online military chess. In the face of my concern, he even called me \”cheap\” and even attacked me and used a knife. Zeqing said: I am a person with a sense of mission, and I will use my actions to wake up my family from their dreams. In Zeqing\’s eyes, her mother has a bad temper, and she is always right at the end of every speech. My father couldn\’t stand it anymore and would use violence. Once, when Zeqing forced his mother into a corner and beat him, his father lay motionless on the bed beside him. He didn\’t get up to stop his son until his violent behavior escalated. Zeqing posted heart-rending screams on the wall, and was so furious that he kicked the door of his house until it broke. He stopped going to school, went online, beat his mother, and even picked up a knife. What\’s even more frightening is that, just like his father, he was tired of his mother\’s irritability and nagging, and he also learned to treat his mother the same way his father did. While he was tired of this kind of family relationship, he unconsciously identified with this culture. Finally, he finally discovered: I am a mirror, and my face can reflect how loyal I am to my parents. No matter how similar they are in appearance and heart. Jiaming’s father: I want to teach him my life creed, which is to never give up and never give up. I hope his life will be better than mine. For more than ten years, Jiaming’s father has been doing one thing, which is to desperately want his children to study and to walk on the path he thinks is right. This is very similar to many Chinese parents who keep saying it is best for their children. \”Whatever you want to play, the most important thing for you now is to study.\” \”Whatever you want to play, see how much your grades have dropped.\” \”Don\’t sign up for this major. The prospects are not good, and you can\’t even like it. Just listen to me.\” What are you fooling around outside? Come back and take the civil service exam. You are still reliable within the system.\” The harder he tried to get Jiaming to do something, the less Jiaming wanted to do anything. In the end, he didn\’t even go to high school. He stayed at home and worked hard for himself. Create difficulties, even self-inflicted harm. All Jiaming\’s deviance was actually to prove to his father that he could live another life. Teacher: Why doesn’t the child go to school? Zhang Zhao’s father: The pain in study may be due to the fact that he can’t keep up with his studies. He finds many reasons to say that school is stressful. The teacher continuedQuestion: He wants to jump off the building, do you believe it? Zhang Zhao\’s father didn\’t believe it. He didn\’t think his children had the courage, and thought he was just trying to scare them. On the other end of the camera, Zhang Zhao said: In fact, every time they say this sentence, \”You ask him to jump, do you think he dares?\” Every time after saying this sentence and going home, I am the grandson. . \”I don\’t go to school not because I have a girlfriend, but because that school is very oppressive and I can\’t bear the pressure.\” Every time he said these words in pain, his mother always questioned him: Thousands of people You can bear it, why can\’t you? Zhang Zhao said: \”I feel like I can\’t bear it, but I let out all the emotions that have been suppressed in my heart for a long time.\” His way of releasing is to do all the things his parents don\’t allow him to do, such as carrying a mobile phone, having sex, and There were fights. This documentary \”Mirror\”, which CCTV spent ten years polishing, is based on a psychological counseling training school in Wuhan and targets \”problem children\”. But through this three-episode documentary, what you will see is not how children get better under the education of their parents, but the parents\’ self-reflection and inner examination. Behind problem children, there must be problem families. It’s not the children who need education the most, it’s the parents. You must show your bottom line in front of your children. As they grow older, children no longer resort to \”unreasonable\” methods, but threaten their parents with \”death\”. This is often the result of parents blindly giving in and doting. In order to avoid such a situation, the best way is to let the children see that their parents have principles and bottom lines from the very beginning, when the children are young. Discuss life and death calmly in front of children. Many children do not know that \”death\” is irreversible. Especially when they are very young, they often imitate some self-harm methods in TV dramas in an attempt to attract their parents\’ attention. In order to avoid irreversible things happening, parents should express their opinions frankly when their children bring up topics about death and life. When faced with children\’s extreme emotions, avoid using excessive language to intensify conflicts. Is it love or control? When answering the question \”What do we hope will happen to our children if we leave this world in ten minutes?\” Jiaming\’s father wrote: I hope that our children can be independent and live happily every day… The last sentence is what I hope. He\’s had a better life than me. But he confessed that the so-called \”good\” means realizing his ideals, but his ideals need to be corrected and corrected. It’s the parents’ values, not the children’s. The values ​​passed down by Zeqing’s family give me the feeling that parents are trying to find their own sense of value through their children, and the child deeply identifies with this, so he desperately hopes to Fulfill your parents\’ dream. But the reality is that he has been burdened with too many people\’s expectations and lived very tiredly. It seems that he works very hard, but he is still weak inside and has low self-esteem. This is the undesirable consequence of parents imposing their own expectations (values) on their children: these children will be afraid that if they do not meet their parents\’ expectations, their parents may withdraw their love for them. Children are always living to meet their parents’ expectations without choosing themselves.The right to life. What children need most is for their parents to see themselves 1 respond to your feelings. For example, if your child tells you, \”Mom, do you think this Lego castle I built looks good?\” Then the mother can respond by saying, \”I saw it, this castle looks good!\” \”By repeating the emotions expressed by the child, the child will feel that he or she is seen by the parents, and the child will gain confidence. 2 Responding to children’s fears. When I was a child, I always had nightmares about falling from tall buildings or running too tired to stop. When I woke up from a fright, my instinctive reaction was to call “Mom”, but because of my parents, After being away from me for a long time or telling me that having a nightmare is no big deal, I began to get used to \”no response\” and to being alone. This feeling affected my sense of security and well-being for a long time. So after I had a child, I decided to listen to my child\’s dreams. When the boy woke up from a nightmare, I would sit by his bedside and tell him: If I had the same nightmare, I would be scared too. I\’m glad you\’re willing to tell me so we can figure it out together. At a weird conference, Cai Kangyong asked Yu Minhong: \”Can you accept that your child does not have lofty ambitions?\” Yu Minhong\’s answer was very touching: \”Great ambitions are not a necessity. The first thing is whether the child has obtained it in daily life. Only on this basis can we talk about great aspirations.\” Respecting children, accepting their ordinaryness, and allowing them to have the ability to be happy and happy are the most important things every parent should do.