As for \”good kids are praised for their reputation\”, you only know one but not the other.

I saw a very interesting story on Zhihu: A three-year-old child took his dirty socks and went into the bathroom to wash them with soap. Although the little hands were not coordinated at all, my mother was impressed by her serious look. The mother said happily: \”You are great, you can wash your own socks. Mom will reward you with your favorite candy!\” But not long after, the child came out of the bathroom with a \”dong dong dong\” and squatted in the corner. When the mother saw it, she was so stunned that she couldn\’t close her mouth: because the child was wiping dust in the corner with a sock, and he wiped it hard. I smeared the socks as if they were fished out of a mud puddle, and then started scrubbing them in the basin. The mother asked the little boy in confusion: \”Why do you do this? Didn\’t you wash it just now?\” The little boy replied cutely: \”I am very happy to be praised by my mother. I can wash it cleaner than before…\” After reading this story, There is a feeling that can\’t help but make people laugh, but it also makes people think deeply. Is the child\’s behavior wrong? correct! He simply demonstrated the most primitive human need – the desire to be appreciated. As William James, the father of American psychology, once said: \”The deepest quality of human nature is the desire to be appreciated.\” It is the satisfaction of this desire that makes children experience happiness. But in order to get praise from his mother again, the child did not hesitate to make his socks extremely dirty. So much so that you can\’t even wash it clean, and you have to throw it away in the end. This behavior has great hidden dangers. It is the inappropriate way of praise from parents that causes children to have behavioral deviations and even become fragile and sensitive. So as Uncle Kai said: \”Parents who like to praise their children casually are essentially the same as parents who like to hit their children casually.\” After reading this story, I suddenly understood some of my son\’s recent emotions. . In the process of playing the \”Logic Dog Game\”, every time he finished it, he would ask me to take a look, and then expect me to praise him. If the game is easy and passed smoothly, I give him a thumbs up and he will continue happily. But if he encounters a more difficult question, he will bypass it without thinking about using his brain to solve the problem. At the beginning, I was very angry about his \”lazy\” behavior, so I couldn\’t help scolding him several times. I originally thought he would correct his bad habits, but found that they got worse and worse, and eventually our relationship became tense. It turns out there was something wrong with the way I praised him! When my son was very young, I believed that \”good children are praised!\”. So I often talk about words like \”you are awesome\”, \”you are very good\” and \”you are amazing\”, and even ask your family not to make any criticism in front of your children! So after a few years, I can say these words casually, and sometimes I will even look surprised when he does trivial things. Probably because my son enjoys this kind of interaction between me and him, my habit has also developed in him the habit of \”doing things just to get praise\”! Carol Dweck is a psychology professor at Stanford University in the United States. She has done a lot of theories and research on success, and she found that there are two ways that children can create different worlds.Mindset – growth mindset and fixed mindset. Children with a fixed mindset believe that intelligence and children are innate and fixed, and are afraid of challenges and difficulties. Children with a growth mindset believe that intelligence can be shaped and improved through education and hard work, and are eager to improve themselves through challenges. Therefore, it can be seen that a growth mindset is beneficial to the growth of children. Because they are good at facing various problems, solving difficulties and challenges with an optimistic attitude, and they do not give up easily. If parents only praise their children\’s talents rather than their efforts, strategies and choices, they will slowly kill their growth mindset! It is obviously our incorrect way of praising that leads our children to the incorrect path. Such things are actually not uncommon in life. The author Ai Xiaoyang said in her article \”You are awesome, you are the most poisonous poison for children\”: Chinese parents have a particularly bad habit of praising their children! Just like a three- or four-year-old child eating a small bowl of rice by himself, his parents, grandparents, as if they saw the \”light of the earth\”, surrounded him and said, \”You are awesome.\” Isn\’t it the duty of such a big child to feed himself? The reason why we want to praise children is, on the one hand, to affirm them and increase their self-confidence, and on the other hand, to encourage them to continue working hard. So if we want to truly achieve this effect, we must change the way we praise our children. In the book \”How to Talk So Children Will Listen, How to Listen So Children Are Willing to Talk\”, the author points out that we use \”evaluative appreciation\”. Words like \”smart,\” \”beautiful,\” and \”awesome\” not only draw children\’s attention to where they are failing, but can also discourage them from trying any harder. Because children always hope to position their self-image through our language. Such words may seem like gorgeous comments, but they are full of perfunctory elements. The child cannot feel our sincere gaze, and will also fall into an insatiable desire for praise, which is why he tries again and again, even to please. So we should pay attention to the details of what our children do, and then describe how we feel. Or some opinions, but also ask the children how they did it? This is called a \”descriptive compliment.\” It not only lets the child know that although he deserves praise, it is not impressive, and he needs to work harder next time! This can truly help children believe in themselves and give them the motivation and courage to continue working hard. In the fast-food society, we have made our children\’s education fast-paced. We always hope that simple praise will make children confident. This is our dereliction of duty as parents. If we cannot carefully feel the feelings of our children as they grow up, we cannot truly connect with our children. Similarly, praise is just a means, a way for us to affirm our children. But if a child does not do well, we still love him and praise him for doing his best! Only in this way can he treat the matter of praise correctly.