Do you know the serious consequences of often denying children?

A few days ago, I took my children to see the ballet performance of \”Swan Lake\”. In the theater, the children were deeply attracted by the beautiful dance. At the end of the performance, a little girl learned to dance ballet herself. The child was very excited and said to her parents, \”Dad, look at me, I am a little swan.\” The little girl tried hard to learn the ballet moves, but her father jokingly replied: \”You are dancing like a chicken!\” The little girl\’s interest suddenly disappeared. Perhaps the parent was simply joking, but was unaware of the joke and had inadvertently denied the child\’s efforts. When we grow up, we often hear other people’s evaluations of ourselves, especially those from our parents. Some evaluations may encourage us to go further, while other evaluations may deny us and set limits on ourselves. American early childhood educator Lillian Katz said that some children will gradually develop a sense of incompetence in learning due to certain reasons during the learning process, and thus gradually become less and less confident. What are the causes? Lillian Cates summarized three points: giving children too high learning goals, premature knowledge transfer, and too much negation and negative hints. Some parents do not consider the mental development level of their children and encourage them to thrive. Children cannot bear excessive learning goals and do not know how to learn. The more they learn, the more they feel they have failed. Premature knowledge transfer beyond children\’s cognitive level not only fails to help children grow, but also reduces their interest in learning. But at this time, many parents want to make up for it: Why are you so stupid? As a result, the child silently agreed with this statement. It turned out that he was stupid. Over time, the child may become timid and have low self-esteem, thinking that he or she is capable of anything. Lillian Cates said this is learned stupidity. Many parents\’ mantras to their children are: \”You are so stupid\” and \”You can\’t do it.\” Either an unintentional joke or an intentional incentive. However, when children receive messages that \”they are stupid and can\’t do it\”, they will develop a sense of inferiority over time. The more inferiority they have, the more they will begin to doubt themselves, and their self-confidence will disappear. Children are also accustomed to thinking that they are stupid and incompetent. Let’s look at our usual interactions with our children. Do you often send out various negative hints to your children? \”You don\’t understand…\” \”You can tell right away that you\’re not good!\” \”Why are you so useless!\” \”Why are you not as good as others…\”… Sometimes, what hurts children the most is precisely these intentional or unintentional comments from parents. negative. Goebbels said: \”A lie told a thousand times becomes the truth.\” When you deny your child\’s efforts time and time again, when you repeat to your child again and again: You can\’t do it, you don\’t understand, you can\’t do it, why are you so stupid… Will this become the child\’s life creed? The mantra of many people is: \”I can\’t, I can\’t.\” They habitually deny themselves and set limits on themselves. Even though he has grown up and become an adult in terms of physical age, mentally and deep in his soul, he is still the powerless child who has always been denied by his parents. When a young life grows up in an environment that has been denied for a long time, how much strength can he have to believe in his own life? There is a youngA friend who works in pediatric psychology shared a story with me. She said that their kindergarten accepted a child. Compared with children of the same age, this child\’s development in all aspects was slower. He had a catchphrase, \”I\’m still young, I can\’t do it.\” During lunch, the teacher will encourage each child to clean up their own tableware and put the tableware in the recycling area. It’s actually very simple, it’s just a dinner plate and a spoon that even children can pick up. But this child will say to the teacher, \”I\’m still young and don\’t know how to clean up.\” So he won\’t clean up. After getting up during the lunch break, the school will encourage children to fold their quilts by themselves. The process is not complicated, and it does not require children to fold them more neatly. It just hopes to cultivate children\’s attitude of independent self-care. This child will still say to the teacher, \”I\’m still young, I can\’t do it.\” So he doesn\’t participate. He will even refuse to participate in some outdoor activities and games. The school teacher had a meeting with the parents and learned that the child had jaundice and diarrhea when he was born, and his immunity has always been relatively weak, so he is a treasure at home. Hold it in your hand for fear of flying, hold it in your mouth for fear of melting, and don’t let the child do anything. The most common thing they say to their children is: \”You are still young.\” The children gradually agree with this sentence. As children grow up, many of the things they should be able to do, know how to do, and know how to do, change from being passive and unable to participate to being actively unwilling or afraid to participate. what to do? Friends said that for children, they will also send this hint to their children: You can do it. Their kindergarten is not big, and the children in the class are of mixed ages. She sorts the age of each child, and then plays age games with the children in the class. The purpose of this game is to let the child know that he is indeed not very old and there are children older than him in the class, but he is not the youngest either because there are children younger than him in the class. After having a reference object and seeing things that children younger than himself can do, the child\’s cognition began to change. The original reason of \”I am still young\” seemed to be unplayable in this game. The teacher also continued to encourage the children during the game, allowing the children to slowly find their own strength. There is another set of such experiments. Scientists went to schools and randomly selected some students from each grade to test their future development trends. Afterwards, the scientific experiment staff handed over a list of \”the most promising candidates\” to the principal and relevant teachers with a tone of approval. This set of experiments convinced the children and their teachers and parents. In fact, this was an \”authoritative lie\” because the students on the list were completely randomly selected. However, when these students were re-examined a year later, a miracle occurred: all the students on the list had great improvement in their grades, and had lively and cheerful personalities, strong self-confidence, strong thirst for knowledge, and more willingness to deal with others. . This is a phenomenon discovered through experiments by American psychologist Rosenthal in 1968. This famous experiment was also named the Rosenthal effect experiment. There is a clip from the movie \”The Pursuit of Happiness\” starring Will Smith that moved me very much. When the male protagonist was at his most impoverished, he still encouraged himSay to your son: \”If you have a dream, defend it. If you have a dream, work hard to achieve it. Don\’t let anyone tell you that you can\’t be talented, not even me.\” It seems, This is a teaching for children, but it is also the male protagonist’s own life belief. This movie is based on a true story, and the protagonist is Chris Gardner, a black American investment expert. It is precisely because of his belief that he can step out of various difficulties such as bankruptcy and unemployment. If the mind is not trapped, people have unlimited possibilities. For a child, his parents are his world. When his world denies him, he also learns to deny himself. When he is trapped in a sense of learned helplessness, how can he live out his future? A child\’s world originates from the life creed given to him by his parents. When his world gives him support and trust, a child can open up a life of infinite possibilities, because success and self-confidence can also be learned. What kind of life creed do you want to plant in your children? Have you ever thought about why you deny your child? Do you feel a sense of pleasure when denying your child? What are you defending behind denying your child? Behind our behavior of denying our children may also be a restriction on ourselves. In the book \”Live Life for Yourself\”, many such examples are discussed. For example, no one else has rejected you, but you have rejected yourself. You want to live your own life, but you keep tying your hands and feet. Everyone has his own life pattern, and this life pattern directs the reincarnation in his life. But we are the directors of our own destiny. Therefore, we must get to know ourselves well and get to know this director who is deep in our hearts but often unknown to us. At least, don’t let our self-limited fate reincarnate into our children’s infinite possible lives.