Accepting children\’s imperfections in this way is sometimes poisonous

The word \”acceptance\” is probably the most popular word in the field of parenting and physical, mental and spiritual growth. Whether it is about the behavior of our children or some of our own states, we will always mention \”acceptance\”. I once heard some mothers talking to each other in a salon, what to do if the parent-child relationship is not harmonious, what to do if the relationship between husband and wife is not close, what to do if the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is too painful, what to do if my life is too depressed… So, at this time, , a high-end and classy word that can bring us a lot of psychological comfort – \”acceptance\”, has made its debut. It seems that after all painful things happen, as long as you raise the banner of \”acceptance\” and wave it, everything will be peaceful. I couldn\’t stand the child\’s behavior, so I told myself to accept it; I couldn\’t communicate with my husband, so I held back my anger and told myself to accept it; my mother-in-law was driving me crazy, so I gritted my teeth and continued to force myself to accept it. Then acceptance and tolerance began to be confused, \”acceptance\” of oneself seemed to become rationalization, and \”acceptance\” of the child seemed to become indulgence. So, have we ever thought about it, is all we do really acceptance? When we talk about accepting a child, it does not mean that the child is allowed to do anything, but that behind all the child\’s behaviors are his desires and needs; understand that there is a reason for the child\’s current state, which is related to the child\’s inner self. personality, and the previous parenting styles of the parents. But it doesn’t mean that when our children’s behavior interferes with us, we just let it go and remain indifferent. When we talk about accepting ourselves, it does not mean that everything we do should be taken for granted, but that our current state is affected by factors such as the environment in which we grew up, past experiences, and our own limitations. But that doesn’t mean we can dwell on the past and find all kinds of reasons for ourselves to blame others. Acceptance does not mean to confidently shift all responsibilities to others and the environment. That is not acceptance, that is avoidance, evasion, and making excuses. For example, there are often news reports about the unacceptable behavior of \”naughty children\”. We can understand that these children are, to a large extent, affected by the education methods of their families, but it does not mean that we can allow them to continue to do whatever they want and not go. correct. Similarly, if an adult has some character flaws due to the harm he suffered from his family of origin, we can understand his growth experience, but it does not mean that he should use \”acceptance\” as an excuse to continue to dwell on the past and complain. others. What we accept unconditionally is the reasons behind emotions and behaviors, rather than meeting all the children\’s requirements. I once saw two cases written by a teacher: a child who was in the order-sensitive period and anal desire period was very stubborn. Once he wet the bed, his mother was not allowed to change the sheets, and he had to wet the bed. My mother took half of it from the basin and made sure to fall back on the bed. If she didn\’t, she would cry. So the mother kept holding the urinal, not daring to empty it, and just stood there and reasoned with the child. There is also a father who said that his child plays outside until late every night and is unwilling to go home. As a result, he goes to bed very late, cannot get up the next morning, and is late. Dad said: \”He just can\’t play enough.\”Go home, no matter what I say, he just won’t reply, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Didn’t the teacher say that children should be accepted and their needs should be met? \”However, this situation is really not acceptance. Don\’t say that I accept the child so I let him play and let him pee. That is not acceptance, that is submission, indulgence, and doting. When we say acceptance of a child, we mean, no Because of this behavior, children are denied and judged. We don’t say that children who wet the bed are bad children and are embarrassed. We see that children wet the bed because they are in the anal desire period, and then they are in the order-sensitive period, so we disagree. Change the sheets. We don’t judge the child who doesn’t want to go home at night as being ignorant or playful. Instead, we feel and listen to him. What are his needs? How can we meet the child’s needs without affecting normalcy? work and rest? So, really don’t always say “acceptance”. Are you really accepting it, or are you enduring it? What is the difference between acceptance and endurance? Tolerance is when one’s own ability is insufficient, because We have no choice but to suppress it. When we endure it, our attitude is still hostile and fighting, but it is a helpless and silent struggle. But when we truly accept it, it is clear Recognize what happened to you in the past, acknowledge everything that happened, and take responsibility for yourself at this moment. Many times, we often think that we have accepted it at the mental level, and then we have really accepted it. But your body will tell you , are you accepting or enduring? When we accept, our hearts are relaxed and soft, we know our choices and will take the initiative to assume our responsibilities. But when we endure, our hearts are tense , stiff, the whole person is always in a state of consumption, and the repressed energy is entangled in the body, either hurting others by accusing others, or hurting ourselves by creating guilt. When we truly accept a person, we have the ability to see the other person and respect him Don\’t force the other person to change, but at the same time don\’t lose yourself. I won\’t ask you to change according to my ideas, and I don\’t live according to your expectations, because we each have our own way of life. Accept it. It\’s not about compromising, but about respecting each other\’s boundaries, not shirking responsibilities, and not forcing control. A person with the ability to accept is a person who can truly take responsibility for himself. He will not expect others to be responsible for his own life, nor will he Rely on the other person to take charge of your own life. Acceptance does not mean indulgence. Acceptance is not a shield for escaping or a cover for passive laissez-faire. It means always doing your best, doing what you can do, and being responsible for yourself at that moment. Then, allow Everything happens as it is, without resistance or attachment, just like the trees in the forest, allowing the wind to pass through you. At the same time, acceptance also includes allowing yourself to temporarily not be able to do it when you are still unable to do it. Force, don’t push, and give yourself more time and patience. Acceptance is a state, not necessarily a specific behavior. A person with the quality of acceptance can use the state of acceptance to choose to accept or not. We It’s not that you must accept everything, but that in this kind ofstate, we have a choice. You can choose to communicate with the other party with respect, or you can choose to lower your expectations; you can choose to allow yourself to be temporarily unable to accept it, or you can simply choose not to accept it. But the difference is, you know what you\’re doing.